Toxic Narcissism: A Hidden Enemy

Toxic Narcissism: A Hidden Enemy by Mr. Deep

This is a five part series in which I seek to expose the true nature of toxic narcissism. I aim to explain how Narcissistic Personality Disorder(or NPD) differs from general narcissism. I also delve into possible origins of this disorder. In addition, I clarify the difference between covert and overt narcissism. I describe common traits of NPD in the adult and demonstrate how those traits are expressed in the NPD parent . I also list the traumatic affects on the child victim of NPD abuse. The reason for such a lengthy study is to expose this harmful disorder and to help those who are or have been victims of it. This series will conclude with helpful considerations on how to heal this damage and move forward from being a victim of NPD to a victor!

Part 1: An introduction

The term ‘narcissism is derived from Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. In modern times, it seems these pools of water could fill a sea as the displays of this unhealthy self love are everywhere to be seen in our society. It has become such an epidemic that even healthy self love is often viewed with suspicion. The greater tragedy I feel, is the prevalence of narcissistic toxicity that is not recognised, especially by those who are the victims of such narcissists.

On the one hand, we have the conspicuous type of narcissist or egoist who might even be found in our own social circle. This type is quite easily noticed either drawing quiet ridicule or even pity from their peers as they cringe at their friend’s blatant demonstrations of inflated behaviour. Of course there will be those friends who may even encourage this deluded individual and become a fan of sorts. This is all the more common when the deluded one possesses some real success, power or fame. It’s almost as though the friend ‘fan’ allows the inflated self love in this friend since they gain an inflation from their association with them.

On the other hand, we have the type whose narcissism is all pervasive yet often goes unrecognised. It is firstly unseen in that it expresses itself more so in intimate relationships, close friendships or within families. It is also unseen by the victim of the narcissist since they are unable to recognise the disorder they are faced with. This is in part, due to the general lack of awareness of narcissism as a personality disorder. It is also due to the slippery and deceptive nature of those with this condition. For the non-narcissistic victim to truly understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD), is to enter an alien world of being. Yet no matter how bizarre a world the narcissist lives in, the victim must become familiar with the terrain or else quite possibly perish. Lastly, and perhaps the most significant reason NPD is not perceived is that, when a child is raised by NPD parents, that child often has no reference for what is normal and what is dysfunctional. In fact, this is at the root of most child and later adult blindness to narcissistic abuses they suffer under. I would also propose that NPD may well be one the least recognised of the personality disorders in our present times. It has even been known for a therapist to miss NPD abuse in their patient and on occasion, even regard the abuser as the good guy.

It is with this in mind, that I write this article series. I hope to help the reader become more aware of the toxic nature of NPD. It is my aim to help victims of NPD to finally put a name to a face. A disillusion though it may be as it dawn’s on someone that their loved one is in fact, suffering from a personality disorder, it can also bring great relief. This release is as a result of finally putting the jigsaw together of your loved one’s puzzling but harmful tendencies. I dare say, that for some, even a couple of pieces of the puzzle in place can lead to a whole series of realisations as to who you are dealing with and why they do what they do. It must be said though, that in the case of adult victims of NPD, such realisations may be limited to the degree they understand why they attracted the NPD person into their life.

In this article, my intention is to focus on the NPD parent though if you are in a any type of relationship with a person with this personality disorder, you will benefit from the analysis that follows. Though there is debate about the cause of NPD, it is my observation that the NPD parent, as an inheritance, can pass on the disorder to their children who perpetuate the same damage to their children when they become parents, thus repeating the cycle. It is also noted that from such NPD parents, you get the inverted narcissist child, who in reaching adulthood, becomes addicted to narcissistic abuse and therefore attracts such relationships for further abuse. This is made all the more possible since the inverted narcissist is not aware that they are addicted to this type of abuse.

I would now like to bring some clarity of terms as best as I can. Firstly, is to draw the main distinction between narcissism and NPD. There are different views on this but in the main, I would say that a narcissist exhibits narcissistic traits to a lesser degree than the person with NPD. The person with NPD however, suffer from a kind of chronic narcissism. Their narcissism is all pervasive and lies at the very root of their personality and the many expressions of it. This is not to say that one with NPD is not capable of genuine or loving acts. One could say that the degree of narcissistic or NPD severity is perhaps calculated by their ability or lack their of, to act in genuine and loving ways outside their narcissism. As mentioned earlier, in my view, it seems that the general narcissist may act in conspicuous and public ways while also expressing their narcissism in their personal interactions but to a lesser degree than the NPD person. The one with NPD, while also possibly being narcissistically conspicuous in public settings, is perhaps more so in intimate relationships like family or romantic ones. It should be remembered that the one with NPD, who is also publicly conspicuous, would be differentiated from the general narcissist by the all pervasiveness of their condition. It is a debilitating disorder for them and those around them rather than just a few bad habits like the general narcissist. It may help the reader to understand that the NPD person is deeply shame based and therefore may disguise their narcissism more in public but reveal it more fully in a safe, more intimate setting.

Before moving on, I need to address the general increase of narcissistic behaviour in society today. Such behaviour is being actively encouraged, promoted and expressed by the shapers of our society that would include corporations, celebrities and various social, political and entertainment platforms. The result of such normalisation of narcissism tends to have two significant effects. Firstly, it encourages those who already have narcissist tendencies, whether mild or chronic, to be validated in their unhealthy behaviour and encouraged to express it more. Secondly, it aims to tempt those who ordinarily would be absent of such narcissism, to add it to the expression of their personality. This latter type may be regarded as the more redeemable. A few humbling falls can be sufficient for them to let go of their newfound, narcissistic/egotistical bad habits. I have witnessed this reversal several times while working in the music industry. One could also consider narcissistic self love in society as the cult of vanity. The difference in this society may only lie in those who can unlearn their vanity and those whose vanity is an expression of a more chronic and permanent, narcissistic condition.

There are those once ‘ordinary’ people who become stars in their own right. Being unable to remain grounded, their inflated ego becomes irreversible. It must be remembered though, that such irredeemable inflation of ego tends to grow out of an unbalanced psyche. This is due to the fact that their superiority hides their former and still existent(but hidden) feelings of inferiority. It is in the delusion of their superiority that their original inferiority is revealed. This is not to say they do not now hold superior positions in society or are genuine high achievers, but that they imagine they are fundamentally superior as human beings now that they have success. In contrast, it would be fair to say that there are also once authentic, normal people who willingly allow themselves to become corrupted and disordered by success, refusing or being unable to dissolve their illusions of grandiosity.

***Not to be denied, one must also consider those raised under misguided elitism and superiority. One could say that such egotism runs in the family, however, the label of egotism may in fact mask sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies. Such tendencies may well have spiritual or genetic origins but this is not to say that such tendencies cannot be learned. Though the effects of personality disorders are far reaching, I sense that they may simply be varied expressions of the one disorder. This disorder could be a spiritual and genetic one though such deformity can be successfully achieved by those who who allow themselves to degenerate sufficiently. Furthermore, those who do achieve such disorders may well be as irredeemable as the first group though they were born with full soul potential. The downfall of these achievers may well be a result of some unhealed trauma or behaviours that could best be expressed as selling their soul, or even a combination of both. Such considerations may be regarded as a detour by the author yet I feel the need to at least mention spiritual and genetic factors. I will delve further into this topic in another article. I would now like to return to our study of narcissism. I have deliberately singled out NPD as a unique disorder to help those on their current level of understanding and awareness. That understanding is that NPD is a unique disorder and must be well understood in order to break free from those who express it towards you.

We now come to the two main types of NPD. Though I feel NPD is more conspicuous in intimate relationships compared to public life, this is not to say that NPD is always concealed. There is the overt narcissist who is quite unashamed and outspoken of their importance. Then you have the covert narcissist who is shy and therefore seeks their narcissistic supply from others by more deceptive means. There is a self deception, a false self image in both types but the covert narcissist chooses more consistently than the overt, disguised means to maintain their illusion through others. A list of both covert and overt traits will be given later.

Another possible distinction needs to be made between egotism and narcissism. While both traits involve self conceit and inflated sense of self, an egotist may not always be dependent on another’s approval. The narcissist however, appears to need the admiration of another. It is as though the narcissist demands a constant supply of attention and agreement from others to validate their false image where as an egoist may be self sufficient in their own grandiosity. Having said that, an overt narcissist may demonstrate no need for approval in their narcissism, but a closer look will often reveal they also seek narcissistic supply in other ways. For that reason they don’t quite fit the profile of possessing a real freedom from the approval of others, a freedom that is possible but not guaranteed for the egotist.

Also worthy of consideration is the appearance of egotism and narcissism in younger life development. In regards to egotism, it is naturally observed that children go through a stage of being self centred. Piaget, the well known psychologist saw such egotism as a natural stage of development in which the child is only capable of contemplating the world from their perspective but unable to see other’s point of view. He adds this is not to be confused with selfishness. Egotism can also be witnessed in the adolescent. David Elkind states,

‘The young adolescent, because of the physiological metamorphosis he is undergoing, is primarily concerned with himself. Since he fails to differentiate between what others are thinking about and his own mental preoccupations, he assumes that other people are as obsessed with his behaviour and appearance as he is himself.’

It seems that narcissism and NPD may have as one of it’s origins, the treatment of the child by the parents. This is not to say that biological, spiritual or genetic factors should not be considered also. A common dynamic can be when parents overvalue the perceived qualities of their child, more so than the neutral observer. Another certain factor is when parents act in extremely opposite ways towards the child. One parent may reinforce the child’s behaviour while the other strongly rejects it. An example of such extremes is when one parent is ‘sugar sweet’ and spoiling while the other parent is too harsh or strict. Therapist, Richard Gannon suggests that in such a circumstance, the child may secretly vow to forever live in this ‘sugar sweet’ world whenever possible. The pain of bearing under the harsh parent seems to warp the child. The result of a deep rejection of harshness is the child’s inability to experience even healthy and constructive criticism as they age. This one sidedness ensure’s the child develops a most fragile and distorted self image since they are unable to experience a balanced view of themselves from their parents. It is this fragility that may well form the basis of the child’s narcissistic or chronic NPD tendencies in later life. It should be said here that such a theory of narcissism in child development may well be correct but to suggest such parental imbalance will guarantee a narcissistic child may not always be the case. The certainty of unhealthy narcissism being the product of a child’s response to unbalanced parenting may be somewhat dependent on the child's core personality type also.

It might be that, though a child may not be spoilt, they may still end up with NPD. I base this on the theory that certain children raised in a toxically narcissistic environment may see no other alternative than to become equally narcissistic themselves. If we imagine a scenario where one or both parents have NPD(a situation that can occur),the child may simply copy such behaviour. If we look a little closer though, we may find the child so depleted and neglected due to parental self interest that narcissism may seem the best response. I must admit though, that it is hard to remove the detrimental effect of habitually spoiling a child and it would not surprise me if such childhood spoiling is found in some children who go onto develop NPD. Unlike treats given, that appropriately validate the child and demonstrate love, spoiling the child is often the result of inappropriate gifting, rewarding when not deserved or rewarding in an attempt to hide parental shortcomings. Spoiling the child in this unhealthy manner is often as a result of parental negligence towards the child’s healthy and balanced development needs. This is not to mention all the spoiling that masquerades as love but in fact only aims to feed the parent’s narcissism.

I lament the tremendous abuse that is the result of not just parents but entire cultures that encourage excessive special treatment of one child over another. Indian families have a long history of desiring a boy child over a girl and spoiling him accordingly. It has bred generations of men who are often infantile and deeply narcissistic. This is not to mention the ill effects of misguided male superiority of which women struggle under. Not to be outdone, many women in the world make very good use of the power that comes with their beauty and sexuality in order to take their own narcissistic supply from men. The narcissistic plague of our modern times is made up equally of men and women, yet the causes for this narcissism can be as different for the sexes as the ways in which narcissistic satisfaction is achieved.

This concludes part one in the ‘Toxic Narcissism’ series. Look out for part two where I describe all the traits of both the cover and overt NPD person.