Toxic Adult Child & Parent Relationships

John has been working on his graduate program for the past year to acquire his Master in Education. Both of John's parents are Educators and he has always admired Teaching. Along the way, John has met Sara. Sara is a small business owner of a local Antiquities Shop. Sara and John hit it off and soon they become engaged. John's parents have welcomed Sara with open arms. John finishes school and begins Teaching. For the first few months, life is lovely.

While John pays off student loan debt and Sara keeps the business afloat despite a recession, John's parents supply the happy couple with their first home. This makes Sara uncomfortable at first because a home is an expensive gift. The home is in John's parents' name and Sara and John pay the bare minimum in rent to John's parents. Sara quickly brushes these thoughts aside as paranoia. After they move into their new home, Sara quickly notices how often John's mother comes over unannounced. This makes Sara uncomfortable, but when she brings these concerns up to John he says not to worry "My mother is a very family-oriented woman. She just wants to see how we're doing." Sara shakes off these strange feelings once again.

Soon these visits turn into vacation trips with John's parents when it was only supposed to be Sara and John. Every vacation turns into a getaway with John's parents in tow. Sara decides she's had enough of John's parents being overinvolved in their lives and confronts John. John becomes visibly agitated and immediately takes his parents' side stating "We should be grateful to my parents for what they have done. We only live this comfortable life with their help." Sara feels in over her head because they do heavily rely on his parents. John's parents begin to cause immense strain on John and Sara's marriage to the point where a fight erupts one morning and John leaves to stay with his parents.

After John leaves, the house they live in goes up for sale and Sara quickly does what she can to find a temporary apartment. John has ceased all contact with Sara and the rumors being spread about her by John's parents have put a permanent wedge in their marriage. John and Sara soon separate and divorce. A few years later Sara receives a call from John apologizing for everything that happened. He didn't realize how toxic the relationship with his parents was and has cut off contact with his mother and father. Sara agrees and forgives John, but refuses to be in any further contact with him because of the boundaries she set for herself.

I think we can take the time to determine that the relationship John had with his parents is clearly toxic from the little information we gathered. No parent should be deeply intertwined with their adult child's life like John's parents were. John's parents supplied Sara and John with financial help while they were struggling; this does not give John's parents a free ticket to become overly involved in their son's life to the point of controlling it.

This is one brief and clear-cut example of a toxic parent and adult-child relationship. Some relationships are "more complicated" or "darker" than the one depicted above and we can only imagine how these toxic relationships can have lasting psychological effects.

That is why it is vital to set clear boundaries with your parents when you enter adulthood. If your parents provide financial help to you in adulthood they DO NOT have the right to dictate your life. Be precise and clear in your boundaries and express the consequences to your parents if those boundaries are crossed. Parents have no place in the relationships of their adult children unless they believe they are in "harm's way" and in that case, they still have no say in the relationship. Being an adult comes with learning from your own mistakes and knowing when something is not okay.

Do not allow anyone, especially parents and partners, to cross boundaries that you have set for yourself. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or control your life. Take care of yourself and remember to protect yourself spiritually, psychologically, physically, and legally.

Thank you for taking the time to read this; I hope it helps! : )