Too Soon

You should be here...I haven't even been able to allow myself to cry because I'm paralyzed in shock. You deserved so much more than what you received in this life. Maybe that was due to your own decisions, maybe it was due to your environment, I'll never know. The only thing I'm left with is the good times we shared. You are teaching me to annunciate my words when rapping to our favorite rap songs.

Late nights of us talking about our dreams and how we were going to make it and support each other. The cold of Detroit made you tough, but your heart...deep down...only wanted to be loved. I just hope that your relationship with the only one who can save us, was tight a consistent. That in those unpleasant areas of life, you were able to talk to him and allow him to take control of your situations. I never knew the substance abuse you that everyone in the family gossiped about.

I cannot drive myself to mentally accept it. Whether it is true or not, that is not the man I saw or knew you to be. I wish I was there more...I had numerous numbers but never had a way to contact you. Tried looking you up on social media, but I couldn't find you. All I knew was our memories, and my half-invested belief in what our family said about you. I saw how the world turned its back to you, I saw how those close to you refused to accept the truths of your pain. Furthermore, that avoided the responsibility of giving you what you need more than anything...time.

It sickens me that it takes you no longer being here physically for people to finally adore you. I adored you all those years and all those memories growing up. First Tony, then Uncle James, Aunt Bessie, now you. It hurts, because there is so much I wanted to show and share with all of you. I wanted you to see my gifts on display in whatever arena of life I was guided to. I wanted to be able to become so secure in my career that I could invest and give back to you all.

Instead I live with your memories, not of pain and despair, but all of the hugs, laughs, I love You's, and countless indescribable moments. I haven't known how to feel about this cousin, it may take a long time to really allow things to become un-packed for me. So many words of life and love I wasn't able to pour into you. So many lessons we could have taught each other. Your life, as hard as it was, is to be celebrated and carried on.

Despite having to prick your finger to check your blood pressure, your pure love that I experienced pricked my heart every single time. I can't erase the one time I let my mis-guided anger get ahold of me in our youth and I confronted you. I just want to say sorry for that and I'm sure you forgave me for that, but I just wanted you to know. I'll never forget my excitement of kickin' it with you at family reunions, and the adrenaline rush of messing with your neighbors when we stayed the night at your house when we visited. I just hope all that I do can make you proud and carry your name on with zeal and excellence. You are a part of me, and I've always carried you with me, and known that I'm representing for us. This isn't the end, only the beginning and know that big Cuz loves you more than you'll ever know. Hopefully these words commemorate you in the ways that you deserve.