The Worst Part
"What is grief, if not love persevering?"
My grief from losing Momma still has ways of surprising me.
This coming September will mark three years since she physically left this Earth. There are days where it feels like it just happened yesterday and others where the sadness of every bit of those three years circles somewhere deep within. The latter is where I find myself most of the time – a dull yet continuous heartache that’s occasionally manageable if I can find a good enough distraction. If grief is the remaining love we never get to express (or “love persevering,” as some characters may say), then I know this is something I will feel on wavering levels for the remainder of my life.
Today, I find myself dealing with a recent development of my grief: Knowing that Momma’s gone in both my sleeping and waking life.
Momma has had multiple guest appearances in my dreams since her passing, and I often saw her as being alive and well. Lately, when she appears, I find that I have to break the sad news to her. Her reaction to this reveal often mirrors the stubbornness she exuded in life; a trait I genuinely miss more than I ever thought I would. In one dream, I approached her as she put on her old winter coat to go grocery shopping.
“Momma, you’re dead,” I told her. “People know you’re dead. They can’t see you out there.”
“Well, dead or not, this food shopping still needs to get done!”
As the reality seemed to take hold of her, her appearance changed – she became weaker, frailer. The large winter coat she had been wearing became massive around her. She then slowly walked to the kitchen, leaned on the counter, and looked right at me.
“Well, I guess you're going to have to do it from now on,” she said with sadness and confusion.
I awoke with tears on my pillowcase, sobbing as the morning sun reminded me that I would, indeed, have to do the food shopping, the house cleaning, and every other chore she demanded to do on her own (“You don’t do it right,” she would tell me. I just did things differently than she did, which she had a hard time accepting).
Most dreams that involve Momma make me sad – and I’m used to that feeling. This particular one felt like my heart was torn from my chest all over again. I cried on and off that entire day and even now, remembering this dream makes me emotional. It was like someone hit a reset button in the game of life that brought me right back to that day in September of 2021. The bit of healing and acceptance I experienced to that point was gone in a flash.
I had a similar dream yesterday, although I should’ve seen this one coming. Mother’s Day was just last week. As you might expect, it was not an easy day to get through. At first, seeing so many online friends and loved ones share photos and heartfelt gratitude about their moms brought a beautiful warmth to me – but it didn’t last long.
It’s weird to feel jealousy toward others who haven’t gone through the unwanted rite of passage I’ve encountered, but it still happens… and it’s not a feeling I enjoy.
In my recent dream, I found myself in Momma’s bedroom, looking in at her sickly body as she lay in bed with her back to me and the covers pulled high. The image was shockingly similar to the day Momma was taken to the hospital for the last time. As I slowly approached her, I knew what would come next. I climbed into her bed, wrapped my arm around her waist to comfort her, and started to cry.
“I know,” she said, stunning me by breaking the silence before I could. “I know, baby.”
It took me a moment to realize what she meant. Not only did I know she was gone, but she did, too. Then, just as suddenly as she had made the admission, she disappeared from view.
I jolted awake in bed, utterly devastated. Wrapping my blanket around my shoulders, I headed straight for Momma’s bedroom, knowing what I would find but still sobbing at the emptiness of the space.
“Momma,” I called out, then screamed out.
“Momma! Ma!”
I turned around and walked down the hallway toward my front door. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing. I just kept calling out for her. I opened the door and screamed down the lobby of my building. “Momma!”
And then, just when I thought the pain would completely engulf me, I woke up… for real this time. Again, it took me a moment to figure out what was going on: One, the dream hadn't ended when I thought it did, and two, my subconscious had now fully caught up to my reality.
My subconscious self was now mourning.
Following another wave of tears, I called one of my best friends. Through sobs, I explained what occurred and they, also having lost their mom, knew exactly how I was feeling.
“It’s like it’s happening all over again,” they acknowledged.
Someone hit the reset button, I thought – multiple times.
When I pulled myself together enough to hold back my sobs, the friend followed with something I’m sure was meant to soothe me.
“She’s always with you, you know. Even that dream is a way of explaining she’s still with you.”
Most days, I genuinely believe that… but to be honest, today isn’t one of those days. All I can feel is the loneliness and quiet. I miss you, Momma.
"[Grief] is all of the unexpressed love - the grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other, no matter whether someone lives until 60 or 15 or 99. I hope this grief stays with me because it’s all of the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell [my mother], and I told her every day. She was the best of us."
- Andrew Garfield
About the Creator
Jonathan Apollo
I bang my keyboard and words come out. Sometimes, they're worth reading. Sometimes, they're even good.
40-something, M, NYC. He/Him/His. #TPWK
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8 ANTI-INFLAMMATORY DRINKS to enjoy for health & wellness
I did a video on anti inflammatory foods that I eat every week and with over two and a half million views now, I'd say it's been quite popular. So today I thought I would follow that video up with one on anti inflammatory drinks that I enjoy drinking and I think you will too. These drinks deliver a variety of nutrients, antioxidants and free radical fighting compounds to keep inflammation at bay and give our immune systems a little boost. And I think that we could all use that, especially this year. I've got a vibrant assortment of drinks today, but you'll certainly notice several orange colored drinks and that's because turmeric is the star ingredient in several of them from warm teas to cooling smoothies. Now before someone mentions that I forgot golden milk in today's video, I've purposefully left it off because I've already done a separate video on it and I thought I would give you some new fresh recipes today but it is absolutely a classic anti inflammatory drink. One last thing and that's a quick reminder that you can find the printable versions of all of these recipes and more over on my website. So without further ado, let's get started. The first drink we're gonna make is this deep and dark elderberry tea. You've likely heard of elderberry before because it's the immune boosting fruit that's used in many over the counter cold and flu treatments like lozenges and syrups. But today we'll avoid any added sugars, colorings and other ingredients with a simple three ingredient tea and get those health benefits directly from the source. So add two cups of water to a pot along with two tablespoons of dried elderberries. And you'll notice the berries instantly start releasing their inky color. Then add one cinnamon stick which not only infuses a lovely flavor but is also anti inflammatory. Bring the pot to a boil then reduce the heat to low and let it simmer for 15 minutes. Once the tea has finished simmering, turn off the heat and let it rest for five minutes then strain it. I usually strain it into a larger measuring cup first because I'm prone to spilling then I'll pour it into a cup. This quick and easy tea is warming on a cold day but if it's hot where you live, just chill this tea once you've made it and pour it over ice for a refreshing iced tea option. Next on our list is a drink I learned how to make when I spent two months in Indonesia and that's jamu. Unfortunately, I was accidentally glutened in Bali and had a horrible autoimmune flare and this traditional jamu drink was definitely my savior. While there are variations to jamu, the key ingredient is usually turmeric and for this I do recommend purchasing fresh turmeric root if you can get it. Turmeric root is similar in size and shape to ginger root but if you break it open, it's a vibrant orange color whereas ginger is a light yellow color. And both of these together make for one powerhouse anti inflammatory drink. To make it you'll need approximately one cup of roughly chopped turmeric and one finger sized piece of ginger. Because we're going to strain this at the end you can actually skip the step of peeling if you prefer not to stain your fingers, just give your turmeric and ginger a good scrub. I fluctuate and sometimes I peel it and sometimes I don't. Slice it into pieces about a quarter inch thick or so and measure that out and then add it to your blender. To that sprinkle a little black pepper as black pepper can help to increase the absorption of curcumin from the turmeric. Pour in four cups of coconut water which has antioxidants and electrolytes and then blend it up on high speed for about a minute or until it's fairly smooth. Pour that into a pot and bring it to a boil then reduce the heat to low and let it simmer for 20 minutes. After it's done simmering, turn off the heat and add the juice from one lemon and two tablespoons of honey and give it a stir. Strain the mixture through a fine mesh strainer or a nut milk bag, but just be aware that it will be definitely stain your nut milk bag along with your clothes, countertop and anything else that comes into contact with so do be careful. Again I strain it into a much larger measuring bowl with a pour spout for less spills and then pour that into a glass jar that I keep in the fridge. You can enjoy jamu, chilled or warm and it will last for about a week in the fridge, just give it a good shake before serving. And I'll usually enjoy about a half a cup at a time. For the next drink, it's sort of a combination of the first two because it's a turmeric tea and it's really easy to make. Just add two cups of water to a pot and this time we'll use ground turmeric rather than fresh turmeric just to provide some options. So add a half a teaspoon of ground turmeric along with a quarter teaspoon of black pepper and two tablespoons of lemon juice, which is about the amount you'll get from one lemon. Bring that to a boil and once it's boiling, turn the heat down to low and simmer for 10 minutes. Once the tea has finished simmering, turn off the heat, add a little honey if you'd like, give it a stir and let the tea cool for a minute or two. Pour the tea into a mug through a strainer to remove the black pepper and again try not to spill because of the turmeric. If you do have any spills just make sure to wipe them up right away. For a little extra lemon flair, I always like to add a few fresh lemon slices. And I will say that this tea while delicious was still piping hot so I took a very little sip. You guys have been asking for this next recipe for the last year and that's ginger shots. Store bought ginger shots are crazy expensive and this tastes exactly like core brand wellness shots. So now you can make them at home. For this recipe you'll need a quarter cup of roughly chopped ginger root and again you can peel or not peel the ginger. You'll also need a third cup of lemon juice which is about three to four lemons depending on their size. Add the ginger and lemon juice to a high powered blender along with a quarter cup of coconut water and a pinch or a little sprinkle of cayenne pepper. Then add the lid, blend for about a minute or so on high or until the mixture is smooth. Once it's blended, strain the liquid through a fine mesh strainer. You also wanna press on the solids with the back of a spoon to extract as much juice as possible. Pour the strain liquid into a shot glass and drink all at once. And yes, these are just as intensely flavored and spicy as the store bought ones. Next on our list is a cool and refreshing pineapple turmeric smoothie, that's perfect for when the weather is hot outside. For this recipe I'll grate about a tablespoon of fresh turmeric and one teaspoon of fresh ginger. And for this drink because we're not straining it at the end you do wanna peal both the turmeric and ginger. In your high powered blender add one cup of dairy free milk, two cups of frozen pineapple chunks which are loaded with enzymes and antioxidants, one banana that's high in potassium and will help to make this smoothie creamy and the grated turmeric and ginger. Then blend that until it's nice and smooth. If you want a mild turmeric drink with a sweet tropical flair that will have you feeling good from the inside out this is the drink for you. For an anti inflammatory smoothie that doesn't include turmeric, but it's still loaded with nutrients and antioxidants, I've got this luscious blueberry smoothie. Add two cups of coconut water to your blender along with two cups of frozen blueberries, one frozen banana, half a cup of yogurt or kefir for beneficial probiotics and you can use dairy free as well. And one tablespoon of flax seeds which are high in healthy omega three fats and will help to thicken the smoothie. Then add the lid, blend that together for about 30 seconds or so or until it's beautifully creamy and beautifully purple. Pour the smoothie into a glass, pop in a straw if you'd like and sip on this deliciously sweet and power-packed drink. You know I love green smoothies and I have several recipes on my website but today I wanted to show you how to make green juice and this is a copycat of one that I used to buy at Pressed Juicery. To make this you'll need two tablespoons of lime juice which will usually get from one juice lime, one cucumber that sliced and we'll add some natural liquid to our green juice, three stalks of celery that you've roughly chopped, and one apple that you've cored and sliced into pieces and you can use any variety of apple that you'd like. Pour the lime juice into a blender along with the cucumber, apple, a small chunk of fresh ginger, celery, three kale leaves and you can just tear the leaves from the stems and one cup of spinach. Your blender will be pretty full at this point and because we're not adding any water to this recipe, you'll need to use your tamper to push the ingredients into the blades. And to make things easier on your blender make sure to add the ingredients that contain more water like the cucumber and apple to the blender first. But after a minute or so this should blend on its own just like any other green smoothie. Of course you can drink it thick and full of fiber but I know some people have a hard time digesting fiber so to turn this into a green juice, pour it into a nut milk bag and bring it out over a bowl, then pour it into a glass. This is one nutrient packed green juice with a hint of natural sweetness from the apple. And if you've ever wondered how to make green juice without a juicer, well this is how you do it. The last anti inflammatory drink on our list today is this apple carrot beet smoothie. And you can tell it's brimming with antioxidants from its vibrant red color. I always say this smoothie is the equivalent of drinking your veggies and it starts with three carrots that you've peeled, trimmed and cut into two inch chunks. You'll also add one medium beet, and to peel or not peel the carrot and beet is up to you. I tend to do just a rough peel on both of these and then slice the beet into large chunks. For natural sweetness core slice one apple, whichever variety you'd like and then juice one large orange. Add the orange juice to your high powered blender along with one cup of water, the sliced apple, carrots, beet and a small chunk of fresh ginger. Add the lid, blend it on high for about a minute or until the veggies are broken down and smooth. There's so many vitamins and nutrients loaded in this smoothie and it's nice and thick. But now that you know how to make juice from a smoothie, you could always strain this one as well if you'd like. We all have different tastes and texture preferences and I am all about giving you options. I hope you guys enjoyed all of those drink recipes and as a reminder, moderation and variety are key. So have fun switching up all of the different healthy foods and drinks that you enjoy weekly. If you like this video, let me know by giving it a thumbs up and feel free to share in the comments below your favorite anti inflammatory drinks.
By umar farooq6 days ago in Families
Peaceful Purpose
I have noticed that in the professional sphere, as far as I have noticed, that many people choose to come to work, mainly with the intention of collecting a paycheck, which I completely understand, unfortunately, we all need money to survive in this world. I also feel very strongly about the fact that if you are going to work in a profession, you should certainly treat that profession, whatever it may be, with the dignity that its purpose entails, whether you are working in the medical field, or working at a fast food restaurant, you should do you best to do the best job you can, because when it comes right down to it, we are all humans, going through the trials, and challenges that this life can bring us, by working together.
By Kaylon Forsyth7 days ago in Humans
Comments (3)
I don’t even know what to say other than I’m sending you big time hugs 💛 grief is a tricky bastard
Beautiful and sad all at the same time, that feeling about jealousy on Mother's day, I get that so much, but mine is Father's day. Amazing piece! 🩷
Although my mother is still on this planet, I feel your grief and how it slowly evolves as you come to terms with it. Oh, the dreaded day? How will I react? I love your link-ins. This was a great way to express love and honour for your own mother and many others.