I don't usually write and post online rants of outraged wrath (not that this is a bad thing), but the quality of the top-tier articles on online dating etiquette is laughable.
I find the idea of dating to be ten times more terrifying, fifty times riskier, and one hundred times more unpleasant than jumping out of an aircraft. Even worse, the "advice" given online by purported "experts" on going out is so terrible.
Here are five of the numerous reasons why the conventional dating advice given today is not even close to being useful to those who need it most: socially awkward people like myself.
Here are a few reasons why internet dating advice may not be the best choice.
1. It Is Clear
The most of the key advice (Don't be a jerk. Dress to impress. (Be on time.) are self-evident. Perhaps some people who are really socially awkward are unaware of these things, yet kindly. Most of us are rational beings. Please do not belittle the respect we still possess (we are looking for dating guidance online). We are aware of how low we have sunk.
2. It Is Incongruent
The dating scene in today's society is already complicated enough. Advice on proper dating behavior has many contradictions that simply serve to exacerbate the situation. Many socially awkward people long for the stricter social norms of the past, when communicating your intentions to others could be done in very clear terms and things weren't quite so hazy. Instead of a sea of various strategies asking us to do drastically diverse actions, what we need is a tidy yet contemporary set of instructions.
3. It Is Completely False
Everyone who seeks guidance from unreliable websites on the Internet is willing to suspend some skepticism and assume that the sources they cite are reliable. To pretend to believe internet sources when so many of them are demonstrably false, however, is impossible.
One article (from a real print journal) I read warned against the usage of fist bumps and high-fives on dates. Please understand that fist bumps and high fives are fantastic (if you're the sort of person dating a good match, who, if also cool like you, ought to derive actual joy from such actions). How on earth can the socially awkward believe anything they read if even fairly reliable sites are delivering terrible advice?
4. It is too simplistic
I realize that it would be hard for dating specialists to anticipate every scenario that a socially awkward dater would face, but they could surely be a bit more imaginative when speculating on potential issues.
Experts in dating may even do some study to learn about the challenges individuals encounter. Think about the challenging problem of fixing software defects. When user guides are ineffective, people often go forum posts and solve the issue there, leaving a solution trail for other people to locate. It is accurate to say that some individuals go to forum posts for dating guidance. However, individuals who are waiting and responding to their questions are often just as ignorant as those who are now experiencing a problem. Is there not a possible middle ground?
Six pieces of poor dating advice (and what I would suggest instead)
There is a lot of unreliable dating advice out... Because of this, dating often ends up being a case of the blind guiding the blind!
Here are some of the worst dating advice you'll ever hear, along with my recommendation in their place.
1) "When you least expect it, it will happen."
Recognizing that strong, enduring relationships don't simply "happen" to individuals is crucial. They develop as a result of making connections, picking up knowledge from experience, and gradually honed dating and relationship abilities.
Sadly, this useless advice is often given.
The issue with it is that it gives you the impression that all you can do is wait it out and have no control over the outcome of your dating life in the meantime.
This cliche has some truth to it, but it has to be teased out, as with all clichés.
My interpretation is that genuine love may surprise and thrill you in unexpected ways when you let go of the "how" and "when."
To fully take advantage of an opportunity when it arises, you must, however, be clear about the kind of relationship you're seeking and arm yourself with effective dating and interpersonal skills.
The key to making things happen is to remain non-attached and open to all options while still putting yourself out there and honing your dating abilities.
The idea is to study and practice now so that, when you do meet someone who knocks your socks off, you'll know how to connect and develop closeness with them.
2) "Play hard to get — Treat them harshly, keep them on the alert."
I've made some of my worst dating mistakes by using this poor advice!
To be honest, it's a terrific tactic if you want to draw in an emotionally unavailable person.
Playing hard to get will encourage avoidants to pursue you, but only until they get a smell of closeness developing; at that point, they'll generally take off running!
On the other hand, if you want to attract someone who is confident in themselves and prepared to establish a stable long-term relationship, you must be willing to demonstrate your interest in and appreciation for their invitation to get to know them.
When considering a potential date, I'm not advocating that you divulge your whole schedule with them, but playing games like "wait twice as long before messaging back" are likely to turn away healthy, excellent candidates.
3) "Ask him right immediately where he stands on marriage, having children, and commitment."
I understand that you desire to have children and that your biological clock is running out. It's alluring to learn someone's position as soon as possible since, after all, time is of the essence!
However, I caution against questioning a new acquaintance about whether they are prepared for a commitment on the first date (or the first 3 dates).
Yes, it's crucial to finally determine where a possible partner stands, but asking them too many straight questions too soon may lead to an increased sense of pressure and fast transform a first date into something akin to an awkward job interview. Just too soon and too much.
Instead, concentrate on developing a connection and getting to know the other person before bringing up this topic (at least after the first three dates), after you've established a strong relationship.
As a side note, many men in their 30s are seeking a spouse with whom to have children, but if you bring it up before there has been genuine chemistry, they may feel overwhelmed.
It would be similar to a male asking a woman about her sexual preferences in-depth on a first date. While this is absolutely acceptable after you've spent some time getting to know each other and developing a love connection, it is completely wrong when you've only just met.
4) "There's someone out there for you."
There is no such thing as a perfect person or a perfect spouse, which is something we sometimes need to be reminded of in this digital era of seemingly endless possibilities. But sometimes we could be too quick to write off a potential customer just because they don't have a "perfect" first impression.
You can have a tendency to believe that other places have greener grass.
But I'm here to tell you that where you water the grass, the greenest grass grows!
Watch this succinct, in-depth video to learn how to make him adore you right now!
Truth: If your wishlist for your perfect lover contains more than six or seven items, it's probably too lengthy. Additionally, I advise you to place more emphasis on attributes than appearances, such as "must be tall, black, and attractive."
My advice is to seek for reliable signs like:
Do your vision and values coincide?
Specifically, compatibility with questions like: - Where do you wish to live?
Do you desire children?
- What are your political and religious principles?
How important is work-life balance to you, etc.
Are they dependable and trustworthy?
Do they appreciate one's development? Are they able to be persuaded to (take personal responsibility for oneself and care for their health)? Do they exhibit emotional intelligence (they see relationships as a collaboration, are curious to learn about you, and are impacted by your thoughts and opinions on things)? Are they enjoyable to be around? (this includes being able to be vulnerable, ask you thought-provoking questions, and manage disagreement in a healthy manner.) (You love being with them)
Additionally, I want to distinguish between "trainable" traits and fixed attributes.
Attributes that may be developed throughout the course of a relationship with your influencer are known as trainable qualities (hence why influenceability and valuing personal growth are such valuable traits).
Just take him shopping or to the barber and show him what you believe would look nice on him and why, for instance, if a person has poor style. The majority of men are pleased with the changes and grateful for the new path.
On the other hand, establishing trustworthiness and dependability is not that simple. Before investing in potential, it is preferable to locate someone who has these traits.
On a side note, I almost rejected my future husband on a date due of his foul breath. What a mistake that would have been!
The bottom line is to identify your top 5 priorities so that you are clear on the qualities that are really crucial in a mate. Additionally, you may continue to be open to meeting someone who delights and surprises you. For example, they could not be your typical type at first, but attraction might develop with time.
5. "When you know, you know," is a truism.
It's OK to feel upset if you ask a married friend how they choose their spouse and get this response.
While there is some truth to this ambiguous advice, the issue is that it encourages individuals to search for strong emotions, which may cause them to fall victim to the honeymoon period's infatuation when it's actually too early to tell.
As I previously said, this general advice isn't really useful, so allow me to share my perspective with you.
I picked my spouse because, after dating him for more than two years, I had no residual concerns about his ability to improve my future. If any uncertainties occurred throughout the appraisal process (which is normal), they disappeared as I got to know him more.
Additionally, it was evident from the way he conducted himself throughout our courting that he was a fine guy who was capable of becoming a wonderful partner and future parent (I saw him with children and animals and liked what I saw).
When we discussed our future goals and objectives, we discovered agreement and compatibility.
We have been able to handle conflict when it has occurred in our relationship and our relationship has improved as a result.
Most importantly, he has consistently made me grin and laugh, and if that isn't a positive indicator, I don't know what is.
He also checks off the six essential partner qualities that are listed in our book.
Naturally, it takes time to find all of this out since there is really no replacement for gradually getting to know someone.
6) "Just be who you are"
The fact is that sometimes "being yourself" might mean remaining in your comfort zone and making the same errors you've already made, so this advice is horrible in addition to being poor because it's so darn ambiguous.
Being your usual self won't cut it if you feel trapped in your romantic life or detect a trend, such as attracting unattainable individuals.
"Doing the same thing again and over and expecting different results" is the definition of insanity, according to Albert Einstein.
While I'm not advocating that you adopt a false character or completely alter your personality, there are moments when dating calls for us to be brave and push the boundaries of our comfort zones.
You won't believe me, but this marriage advice has kept our union intact!
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