The Little Black Book

“If you are reading this, it means I AM DEAD.” Words you did not expect to see. Shocked. Devastated. Sadness filled inside you. You look at your sister’s gloomy, pale face with tears in your eyes while slowly lifting your hand to her coffin. In your other hand is a small black book left to you by your sister, which the lawyer insisted that you do not open until the wake. Shuddering, the next few words mystifies you. “Please DO NOT read ahead. I need you to TRUST me. YOU are my everything and I LOVE you.”

It has been only you and your sister for years. After your parents died, you were left in your sister's care. When your sister got sick, you were all she had. It was up to you to care for her. Your dreams were put on hold because she did the same for you. You barely remembered the last time you had a dream. She was your everything, but now she’s gone. Looking slowly around the room, you show a weak smile, grateful to see a crowd of friends. Remembering who your sister was. Bright, cheery, always so positive and well loved. You don’t know how she did it. She could warm up a room just by entering it.

Alone. Bewildered. You sit through the wake in the corner, clutching the little black book to your chest, wishing for the wake to be over. You can barely bring yourself to look at the next page of the book. Relieved, when the wake was finally over. Lost and confused, you head to your car. You stare out the window for what felt like ages, looking for the strength to start the car and go home. You look over at the book in the passenger seat and with hesitation you reach forward and open it, grazing the words “I love you”. What came next startled you. “In this book is a list of detailed instructions that I need you to do for me. I cannot tell you why or what for, but it will make sense in the end. Ever since the day our parents died, I knew that I must protect you at all costs.” Unable to stop the tears, you turn to the next page. “For the first task, I need you to go to this location and pick up a van. I paid the deposit, but here’s a check for the rest of the amount.” A check for $10,000 was taped to the next page. Not sure what to think, you drove home, needing to shower and wash away the pain. Falling to the floor sobbing, you barely had any energy to lift yourself up.

Days passed by and you forgot about the little black book. You tried everything to forget the pain, even grief counseling, but nothing seems to help. Feeling numb, you go through your sister’s belongings, trying to figure out what to keep until you come across the little black book. You grab the book and go sit in her favorite spot. You drum up enough courage to open it. Needing to move forward, you decide to get ready, first time in weeks, and catch a bus to pick up the van. It’s beautifully handcrafted. Light colors make the space feel bigger than it is. You pay the dealership and head home. In the front seat of the van, you found, “here’s another $10,000. This is to pay for what’s ahead. I’ve had them set the van up with everything you need. All you need is food. I packed a suitcase with clothes you’ll need on your journey. You’ll find it in the front closet. You can leave whenever you want.” Not understanding what’s going on, feeling numb and disassociated, you go inside the house, grab the suitcase and head into the van. Feeling like a robot, you drive to the nearest grocery store. You buy the necessities and filled the cupboards. Sitting in the back of the van, you noticed a drawer you haven’t opened. It’s full of pictures of you and your sister. “To remember me by,” the note says. On the back were poems your sister wrote. Instinctively, you grab your sister’s urn and break down crying. You miss her so much.

When you’ve calmed down you go to the front of the van and open the book again. “Don’t forget to document this journey. Trust me.” It’s been a while since you received the chance to pursue your photography passion. In the last year, you’ve been so focused on making sure your sister has everything she could need. You think about how lucky you were to have her friends there to help. The more time you spent with them the more they became your friends too. You don’t know what you would’ve done without them. “This is your first task: if you’re still in Sacramento, take your time travelling Highway 50. Explore the Redwoods, take it in. Photograph it, savor it.” You arrive and follow your sister's instructions making sure to take pictures at every spot she mentions. “Then when you’re ready, keep going until you reach Lake Tahoe. I’ve reserved a room for you at a resort on the lake.”

Weeks pass by as you're going from one place to another following your sister’s guide. Being nostalgic, you slowly put the pictures up. You leave Lake Tahoe and keep driving down Highway 50, stopping at every beautiful places to take pictures. Eventually you reach the Shoe Tree in Nevada. In the book is a picture taped of your family when you were a little girl. With the Shoe tree in the background, you had the biggest smile on your face. “Find these shoes and take a picture with them.” It takes you hours digging through the mountain of shoes until you find the ones in the picture. As you hold them, you begin to remember the days with your parents and sister. The trips you would take across the country. How you dreamed of going there again to all the little spots off the highway, the restaurants in the small towns that are full of small town gossip and the unmarked trails of hidden gems, getting lost in the endless mazes of the big city. Your parents weren’t well off, but they made sure to fuel their children’s creative passions. You, the photographer, an artist of pictures. You dabbled in different canvases, but photography was always your favorite, capturing the magic in what you see. Your sister was the writer. Beautiful poems, and stories that would transport you into worlds full of magic and fantasy. “How did she afford all of this?” you wonder. Thoughts race back to before she got sick, working two jobs just to support the both of you and how she never grew tired of your company even after long days of double shifts. Eventually you make your way through Utah, stopping in Moab making sure to hike through all the trails. Then came Colorado and Kansas until you arrive in Chicago. As you’re walking around the city taking pictures in all the places that catch your eye, the feeling of familiarity sinks in. Your camera is full so you head back to the van to transfer the pictures to your computer. As the pictures were being uploaded, you look at the collage of pictures you put up on the empty wall of your van. You start to see the pattern. Every place she’s taken you was a place you both dreamed about going back to, your favorite trip with your parents where you fell in love with art. You whispered “Thank you” to your sister.

Last destination was New York City. You immediately fall in love. You follow your sister’s instructions to a building in Manhattan. You walk up to the designated apartment building and knock on the door. The door opens wide and your sister’s friends are there. They embrace you and invite you in. Confused, you look around the room waiting not knowing what to say or do before someone says, “your sister has a surprise for you. Open the last page.” Inside, the letter reads, “Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to New York University’s School of Fine Arts.” Your sister explains in the note, “I know you put your dreams on hold for me. My last dying wish is for you to fulfill your dreams. I submitted a portfolio with your best pieces of art and applied on your behalf. This final check will pay for your tuition for the first semester. It’s all I could do. You can stay with our friends. Remember! You are never alone. You are a part of a bigger family.”

Excited. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. You collapsed on the sofa. Just when life appears meaningless, a miracle happens. A new chapter begins.