She Paves

This beautiful lady in the photo above is Hodayah. She is a nurse, therapist, teacher, chef, driver, respected janitor, comedian, and my everything. However, professionally she is known to be my mother. These titles she attained through her loving and nurturing air that she boldly carries and exercises throughout all aspects of her life. Whether its dealing with her children, grandchildren, friends and friendly strangers, she is always kind and supportive.

Overboard? Am I exaggerating?

Proudly, I am not. She is the prime definition of what a mother is. She is the best known in filling a roll with an inability to call in sick or even put in a request to take the day off. All these titles she has dedicated to my siblings and myself. As a mother, she has gone above and beyond everything my family could ever imagine in her position; a single mother.

There is a lot to comprehend when children are a whole of two halves, but she wrapped us in her tender-loving patience. She did the best she could to keep us safe, healthy and happy; all 6 of us. She was always at our beck and call wherever she were. Sometimes, it seemed as though she was perched, watching and waiting for us to call out to her. Maybe it was her motherly instinct? Mommy spider senses? Spimmy senses? Sensing 25/8, at whichever distance from us, finding out whether we were okay or not.

She was young when she had my oldest brother; in her 20s. Since then, she has worked tirelessly to ensure that we are alright. She did all that she could all by herself. Her continued support and aiding knowledge had kept us grounded. At the same time, she gave us the freedom – sometimes, we may even have stolen the freedom away from her awareness– to learn our way; with her gentle voice guiding us in our thoughts. Clearly, she is also the mother of mind control, but only to keep us safe. She mindlessly directed us through the lectures that echoed in our heads as we…

Snuck out? Skipped school? Took a longer way home and maybe stopped at a friend’s house or two…?

Done something behind her back, while it was her voice that all of us heard, loud and crisply, leading and 2 cents-ing. Doing all that we needed. Even when she wasn’t there, her endless love and support was.

She did everything for us and then tried to give us the world. All for nothing, but a simple hug, topped with a gentle kiss on the cheek, and charmed with the words, “thank you,” or, “I love you” in return. My mother travelled distances out of love and cherished all the moments she spent with us because of her own sincere gratitude and love she harboured.

She has never *not* inspired me. Driven me to be me, in the best me I could ever be.

She was the mother that she didn’t have; the complete opposite of what she had.

My precious mother was verbally and physically abused throughout her childhood and adolescent years. After her mother divorced her father, as my mother was in high school, she ran away to her father’s home. My mother could have chosen to not give a damn about me, or any of her children. She could have mirrored the foul monster her mother was to her, but she lived otherwise; and I am truly thankful for her.

Day after day, she was scolded and ill-treated by her mother. Day after day, my mother never failed to emit her love for us.

I am her 5th and, as a newborn, was at the brink of being given up for adoption, but she did not want to let me go. By bad company, my mom was pressured into giving me away, but she stood her ground and put herself back into her senses and kept lil ol’ me. She raised me in ways some could only dream of. My mom has been my all and my everything from when I was born to each passing day, even beyond the years she’ll go grey.

Despite the fact that she had a gruesome relationship with her mother, she has kept each and every single one of us happy to the best of her ability.

Being a mother is a huge roll to fill, especially in being a single mother. My mom never had to be a nurse. My mother did not need to listen to my or any of my siblings’ stories of what life had brought our way. My mother was not told to listen to us or attend to our calls. She did not need to show us how to be grateful and appreciate even the smallest things in life. She did not have to cook, or clean or buy clothes for us. She could have had us walk to school by ourselves. She did not need to turn any of our frowns upside down.

But she did it all, and never regret any of it. Only wished for the ability to do more, but she is truly enough.

This wonderful woman that I have the privilege to call my mommy has inspired me to never fall off the track of where I want to go in life. I am an aspiring writer, film and creative director.

I have a few short stories. I write books that have yet to be published. Thanks to my mother, I have the greatest potential to be the Quentin Tarantino, if he were a black girl that made horror films.

With the energy that is carried in 2020, living in a large city such as Toronto, it would be impossible for me to bear these dreams. The competition, the expense of living, the cost of film equipment and even education are all things that I would really have to rob a bank for. However, my mother holds me sane and confident, reminding me that I can do anything that I strategically put my mind to. She has taught me to work and go for things that I truly want. I never would have had any of these aspirations if I did not have her support, in fact I would not even be alive.

Ever since high school, I’ve worked, stressed about work, stressed about when I’ll have time for my writing, stressed about where I’ll find the money to fund my short films, stressed about work, then stressed about how working full time takes time away from my creativity – and rotated in that circle. Aside from personal goals, I had taken some money from a seat I am holding at the Vancouver Film School to help support my income as I battled with the stress of quitting my stressful job.

My mom feared the decision because she did and does not want me to lose my position at the school. Standing by me, she is aware of how important attending their Film Production program is to me.

Upon receiving the money, I was harassed out of most of it by an older relative for their selfish and greedy ways. They sleep at night, knowing they had taken away from a no income young girl who wants the best that she could possibly get to help her mother out, while barely even being able to achieve any of her dreams.

People once considered family are conniving.

Bills were due, I was at a huge loss and wanted to give up, but my mother reassured me that it was okay.

Painful, but okay. I was alive, had my brain, and was striving for the possibility to just be okay.

Jobless with bills due over my head, my mother pulled me up from the ground and reminded me that I am still here. We are in this together, every step I take, she will be there with me. What I was going through, she was going through. We cried together, grew together, and strengthened eachother. Living through this life, flying in a storm – she guided me through it. She gave me sight and sight abundantly. Reminded me of my aspirations and dreams that I can turn to reality. She reminded me of school. She reminded me of my writing talent. Reminded me of the cinematographic skill I have planted within me.

However, my mother works hard during this quarantine. She is a bus driver for a city just north of Toronto; Vaughn. As she works, I work. Using the time wisely to finish my novels, short stories, and screenwriting I have for my short films. Quarantine is unfortunate and I hope for safe recoveries for all those with cases and a great thank you for all those hard at work in fighting it off. My mother always taught to cherish even the smallest sweet things because in seconds, without any hints, it could all be gone.

I have great dreams and aspirations to fulfill by going to the Vancouver Film School. When work returns, I have hope, built in me by my dearest mommy, to be able to buy equipment for film to showcase the wonders of my creativity.

Money for me does not come easy. I do not have a dad I could ring for help. Relative ring to harass me, and, sometimes I feel like there isn’t even god or any great force to rescue me, but my mother. In fact, my mother purchased the Vocal+ subscription for me, at the very last second that I realized the competition had not closed.

Actually, I started and writing hours before it closed. Mama drove and encouraged me to sit at my desk, quietly, with no interruptions. Not even a second to connect back to the real world, message a friend or two, maybe call my one of boyfriends. I couldn’t even check out the news.

“Distractions, all distractions” she exclaimed. “It’s that phone of yours that will take you from your goal.” Where I honestly hope not, it was my phone that informed me about this usefully creative platform for writers.

Anyhow, apart from distractions, my mental health really took a toll on me for having all these dreams. When I had discussed it with my mother, she calmed me and brought me to a sound mind. Letting me know, life will be life and it won’t be perfect; always have back up plans for plans to get you back on track.

She has worked so hard for us and forgot about herself, maybe even neglected. She has never taken a break, never stopped to smell the roses. She has lifted me over every hurdle in life, I want to repay it all to her. Something like that is overdue and well deserved.

In conversations I’ve had with her, I feel as though I am her, but reincarnated; confident insanity. My experiences are her past, and with the pain that what I’ve gone through, all that it carries. It is hard to live through it. She has done so much for everyone and still works hard. I want to give her everything and more in return, she deserves the world. Her hard work inspires me to work hard so I can give her the retirement that she deserves.

Her drive and passion to be the most loving woman, despite what she has been through. She has taught me to love. Even taught me to breathe, when all I wanted to do was leave. Leave life and throw it away. My mom always told me there is always a better way.

She always wants me to be happy at the end of the day, no matter where I am.

She has always wanted to be a writer, an author of books. However, she can tell a story well and I can write it for her. My most important novel will be a biography on my mother, which I plan to follow with a few movies. A few? Her life carries more detail that any 2 or 3 hour movie could barely even dare to imagine; she will need a few movies. My greatest dream is to write her book and direct and write her biographical film.

With her by my side, there isn’t anything I can’t do.