Pain

My dad showed me loving affirmation only two times.

The first was when I was seven years old. I won a race at my school and after he drove me home, he said these words:

"I'm proud of you, son."

Then his face darkened as he realized what he said.

He took my shoulders in his hands and kneed me in the stomach before throwing me against the wall and knocking me out.

The second time was when I was much older.

I won the biggest award from my occupation and my sons congratulated me.

My dad was there too and he smiled at me.

Shaking my hand, he said, "Your dad must be very proud of you."

He had dementia at the time.

Pain comes in many forms.

For me, it came after I lost my dad. I didn't love him since he showed nothing for me.

Basically, I then lost nothing other than someone who failed to be a paternal figure.

I shouldn't have been sad, I shouldn't have missed someone who didn't love me enough to say it more than two times, but I did.

Or at least I think I did.

Have you ever missed something that never existed for you?

Maybe you remember a dream you once had as a child, one that you convinced yourself was real to the extent that you made yourself believe it?

That the lie was repeated so many times that it became a truth?

I may be alone in the world with that notion, but I'm not afraid of being the only one.

The only thing that I'm worried about is if I were wrong.

Anyways, I may be called insane, but if I can convince myself that my dad was a kind, loving, and considerate person, maybe I will be happier.

I can ignore the pain because I made myself believe it is fake.

People can ignore certain things because, even though in their hearts they know it is wrong, they want it to be right.

And then it is.

When my dad was alive, we were once having a fight. I tried to guilt-trip him and ask why he didn't show any affection for me.

His answer shocked me to silence.

"Would you rather have me show affection through my hugs, even though they will all be fake and insincere? But you wouldn't know that; all you would know is that I would be hugging you. OR would you like me to keep it myself if it were real? You would know that I loved you, and I would know that you know that, but I wouldn't show it."

He walked off after that so I wouldn't answer off of anger.

I never did answer his question because I didn't know entirely what it meant at the moment, but now I think I do.

I'll re-pose the question to you: Would you want to believe that everyone loves you, even if they don't? Or would you want everyone to actually love you but leave you in the dark about it?

Everyone's answer is different.

No one's answer is incorrect.

That sparks another question, one that I have been asked many times.

Would you rather be a bloody, cold murderer and not feel any emotion? Or be tortured every day by those who feel nothing, yet you feel everything.

The twist about it is this. You have every single emotion as you answer this question, so if you think your soul won't be jeopardised if you answered the first one, rethink it.

I sometimes ask myself what a world without pain would look like.

But that is unimaginable for me because without pain, I wouldn't be as happy in life.

And yes, life sucks for everyone.

But that only makes us stronger.