Tee Party with Tam

My views on “partying” drastically changed when I got pregnant.

​Before, I used to go out every Friday night sleep the entire Saturday because of hang-over and just stay at home on Sundays,

misses the entire weekend altogether but then repeats the same routine every weekends.

When I got pregnant, weekends were spent at home,

eating whatever I want, watching a CSI marathon or the Supernatural hotties.

Then came Tam.

Weekends are well-spent taking care of my daughter. I always bring her with me, going to the groceries, visiting friends.

Since I’m a working mom, I want my weekends to be exclusive for my family as much as I can.

Yes, I am always out of sleep, I am always tired but never this happy.

I forgot how a liquor tastes like.

forgot how a cigarette butt smells, I even get a headache when I smell a few. Motherhood brought me different feelings and emotions but always the best of everything.

Yes I do not party anymore but I definitely always look forward to a different kind of party.

​That is having Tea Parties with Tam.

The baby I never met

Last Sunday, as I watch a two year old girl restlessly walking to and from our seat, having the time of her life during the mass, my thoughts went back to the time when I had a miscarriage.

​ My first baby who I never saw and touched should have been two years old this month of August. She should have been like that little girl, restlessly walking to and from our seat, having the time of her life during the mass. And although I already have Tam, a part of my heart still belongs to that baby who first occupied my womb. Although, it was a mere eight weeks, that was the most fleeting eight weeks of my life..

Having a miscarriage will make you question the world. It will make you question yourself and your body. You will try to figure out what was wrong. What happened? What you did wrong? You will blame yourself for not being careful or being too careful. You will doubt yourself if you will ever have a child again. These are my thoughts back then. I was afraid that I may not conceive again. I hated the world for giving babies to those who cannot make a living. I hated those who were blessed with children but keeps on abusing them. I hated those who have children but cannot take good care of them. I asked why is it me? When I know that I can be a better mom and I can take care of a child!

But then, I realized that it is God’s will for me and my husband not to have that child yet. He made us feel a glimpse of parenthood for us to be better persons first before being better parents. This baby might be His way of preparing us to parenthood. This baby made us realize the value of sacrifice and giving by not doing the things you like because you wanted to be strong and healthy for your future children. That baby whom I never saw and touched actually changed me to become a better person. I became a better version of myself. For the first time I feel responsible not only for myself but for my future children. And although I have never seen or touched my first baby, I can still remember the feeling of her tiny body being inside my tummy.

There were questions asked at that time, if I cried eventhough I had her for only eight weeks.