No Regrets

Dear fetal residence,

I know...I know I said I would never reach out again but I had all of this back to you. Also, I just cannot in good conscience pass up the opportunity to accomplish something that many children of abuse never will; true and utter power over their abusive parent. You have the opportunity to stop reading, but knowing you, you will read every. single. last. word. You’re probably redder than normal right now, but that’s expected when you are called out for perpetuating generational trauma. I get it, you had a terrible, “[I] will never understand your pain” childhood...believe me I understand.

Why is she lying?

Why is she doing this to me?

Again, stop reading because it gets so much worse. If you have any ounce of love left for me; I intend to return it because it’s poison.

See, I have the power, and the absolute best part is...I do not care if you read this or not. This isn’t for you, this is for me. I know in my heart that; true to a narcissist, you are going to make it about you. You are an abuser. It took a lot of therapy (and socializing) to even connect that word to you...but it finally happened, and it was the most important part of my personal growth. I decided to take all of the responsibility for my past mistakes and feelings...it nearly killed me, but the past started crumbling in my arms as your influence dried up... I started sorting out all of my own problems, and being able to recognize your abuse (I’m getting to it, calm down)...it caused me to bloom as a person.

No, you weren’t physically abusive...but you didn’t fall as far from your father’s tree as you believe. You were so intent on erasing physical abuse from the family that you somehow created a new and messed-up way to be emotionally abusive.

You always said ‘you’re lucky I don’t believe in spanking’, but I low-key wish you had because it would’ve been a lot easier to connect the dots. That's the reality of my life now, everything you’ve ever said/done to me was wrong. Dead wrong. Soooo, soooo, sooo, ‘you’re the dumbest ***** in the world’ dumb. Hilariously enough, I have grown into the person you always hoped for (with a few not [nmom]-approved quirks).

That’s why I waited so long to give you my final farewell. On December 10th, 2020 I finally won the war against all of my ‘emotional problems’ and it’s just been an incredibly beautiful and profoundly unique experience. An experience that I take great joy in knowing you will never have. Or maybe you will, but if you’re still reading: you won’t.

There is really no point in reading at this point other than to upset yourself even more. I super pinky-swear that I will never contact you again. That's why this is all so fancy and thoughtful-like. It’s like spitting on your grave but while you still breathe every miserable breath you have left. Oddly enough the presentation has nothing to do with you. By getting rid of these items, I’m completely wiping you out of my life. I don’t care if someone steals this, because only someone as vain as you would have ever read this far (except my therapist, because that's just how I do now). The packaging is simply a gift to myself, and a going away present for my past life.

See, that is true emotional power.

I was originally wanting to throw these items away, but my newfound passion for art prevents me from destroying the work of others. I then thought about giving it away or selling them, but I would have felt the guilt that normal people feel when they knowingly give bad ju to others (remember in 6th grade you had me take that snake skin to the gift exchange to rid our house of bad luck?). So, they are yours to do with them what you will. I do get quite a bit of whimsy knowing that you reading these words is akin to you walking into the knife over, and over, and over again. I have that ‘eat !$#%’ grin on my face that you love so much.

I loved you...and you broke me. I was such a wonderfully beautiful child, and you broke me relentlessly until nothing was left but a husk to hide the emotional pain. Then you ripped that husk off, and abused whatever humanity I had left.

You were right about one thing, I DO love my child above anyone else...and I am so grateful that my love for him gave me the strength to walk away from you. The spark came from a conversation that [ex] and I had (when I still considered you my mother) about possible head trauma causing [kiddo’s] speech delays...neither of us have EVER dropped him, and I trust [ex’s] fatherly-love more than I trust you. Children from healthy homes would have no doubt that their parents would come clean if something major happened...but neither of us could, so we did what was best for our family...and more importantly, me.

That’s the base of my wonderfully amazing (but tedious, and full) life; being selfish. You always told me I was selfish but the reality is? It was always you. I wasn’t allowed to have problems because it would have inconvenienced you. I would’ve been perfectly fine keeping the husk but you just couldn’t help but try to invade my spirit. You were close many times, but I found my ways to work around the poison. I believe that you believe that your only injustice was loving me too much, but in the end you have to realize that you were trying to parent without actually having been shown how to. I can’t knock you for that, but now that I’m a super mom? You gave up long before I came onto the scene.

You barely met the requirements for what people just expect parents to do, and you put on a front so flawless that you took the credit for the fact that my strengths were DESPITE you. You didn’t really raise me; you yelled, and criticized, and you expected me to aid [brother] like I was an emotional support goat.

You calling me ungrateful constantly

was just an admission

That your ‘love’

was always conditional

Both of your kids have had pretty severe emotional/mental problems, you stayed in a bad relationship ‘for the kids’, and I...the only female that you managed to force into existence, don’t even take your existence into consideration; only the memories of the times that you broke me so I can fix any lingering issues you’ve caused. There are so many things wrong with your children, did you ever think to look at yourself? This is powerful for me because I am now absolutely certain that I am better than you, and even if you did change...I’ve cut all of the ties between us and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to avoid acknowledging your relationship to me. You had absolutely no positive contribution to who I am now, and I am pretty awesome, even if this letter is a bit heavier than my normal musings.

Turns out, I am a hardcore extrovert. I will make friends with literally anyone. But the more I heal from your trauma, the more I wish that I was able to take the anger out on the appropriate person. I’m a pretty zen, hippy-dippy person, I love everyone. But I will NEVER give you even a whisper of my love (or even attention) again, I’ve grown enough now to know when something is a lost cause. I don’t regret the love I gave to you, because you unknowingly were rejecting it, and it eventually found its way to the mom I wish I had growing up.

You kept me so under your control for my whole life...but I’m strong enough to keep away now, and you can’t do anything about it because you have absolutely no control. This is me, truly putting the final period on the book that is our relationship. I wanted to erase all of our history, but only by looking at the past can I become who I was truly meant to be. I am fixing a mess that you are responsible for, and I’ve almost untangled the threads of your ‘love’ and its negative effects on how I relate to others. Once I’m done learning from your mistakes, I’m burning the book...well, unless it becomes like an actual book: I will never pass up the opportunity to make money off of the hurt you caused and already profited from.

I’m naturally gifted in every single area, and I am going to be the first [last name] M.D in history. My child is so amazingly happy, and has grown with me...and unlike you? I hope he looks down upon me one day, because that will mean that I did my job and raised a child whose potential to do good knows no limits...and I will allow him to recognize my faults and help me do better. Crazy thought right, letting your child have their own thoughts and autonomy? I have raised a little boy who has wonder, and is loud and exuberant. I allow him to be a kid, instead of a 4 year old who just accepts that they must forgo the wonder and whimsy that is childhood.

I will never get the opportunity to be a kid again, but I get just as much joy from seeing my son truly enjoy his childhood. Even though he’s a true kid, he is just turning out to be the most amazingly compassionate and loving person. He came home from school and told me that he has too many friends, and that they were ‘evvvveerrrywhere’. He is building connections with others, and I trust my ability to know how to keep him safe without keeping him completely isolated from social interaction outside of school. You have no faith in those outside of family, I have no faith in your family anymore. They only receive the picture you paint, and you are world-class at painting me as a villain.

I have stitched together a group of people who truly accept and love who I am. You always made it seem like there was only ‘blood is thicker than water’ love, and romantic love (even though you didn’t even have the latter)...turns out it's actually

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

The more good you put into the world...the easier it is to find the people who truly care about you, and more importantly...people who care about who you are. My personal growth was only possible through the compassion and caring of my friends and family...true family.

The true driving force behind directly sharing my feelings at you (I don’t care how you feel) is knowing you don’t have any access to my mind anymore.

You have no power.

If you ever try to come near me or my family again, I will get a restraining order because your inability to respect my boundaries was what lost you your job.

I have proof that you committed fraud and tried to make changes to MY college savings. I have people who have listened to my side, and have been witness to such an unexpected and well-deserved turn of events. I am more than you had ever dreamed of, because you should’ve been more concerned about my needs, and even now...you care only about your own.

There is also the fact that you know things about me that you shouldn’t because you are so Daft that you couldn’t help but look at the PHI of people you swear you don’t care about. This isn’t about anyone else, I guess in the end it was all about you...but it's not to you, it's a memorial to a terrible life, and I hope it will eventually be torn down like confederate statues.

When you read my diaries I swore to myself that I would get you back someday (I want to say I actually told you that)...it took way more work than I had anticipated but: it was worth it. I hope you get everything you deserve in life, and that everyone you surround yourself with is just as wonderful as you. I’m going to build up to an ‘Oleanna Tyrell’ moment now.

There are no words to describe the damage your words have personally caused me. Even after I went no-contact, you blamed me.

No one as accomplished, talented, and ambitious as me

would throw away their relationship

with their parent, without reason.

…so either you can believe that I’m suffering without you, or you can finally realize that I was never the problem. You never allowed me the kindness to simply own my own thoughts, and knowing that you were looking at my record...I was relieved when I found out they terminated you. I truly just want you to know that, there is no such thing as a low road when you are dealing with your abuser.

It was me *nod to GOT* who reported you to [her workplace] and knowing that you have completely lost your access to my thoughts? I just want to give you one more heartfelt #### you. I’m truly sad that I had to let go of some of your family due to their inability to respect my boundaries, but it was worth it to rid myself of you. I truly want you to take these words to heart:

I would do it ALL again.