Thanks, but also: you’re stuck with me

I was all hell-bent on finishing my new mother a gift, but that plan is not looking promising. So, I’m covering my bases preemptively and giving all of the thanks where they are due. So far, my expressions of gratitude HAVE been written rather than spoken because I am more confident in my writing ability, and she is a lover of the written word.

I know that under all that confidence there is a shy soul who doesn’t like to be in the spotlight. That is why she works so extraordinarily hard to lift up others. This is my thanks and I know she is too curious not to read it

I am 28 years old and I had long since given up hope that I would ever feel loved. I am proud to say that this amazingly complex year has brought so many positive changes, the biggest one being that I have a mom. Not a mother, but a mom. I only feel a little bit of guilt for basically forcing her and her husband to adopt me (and my super adorable child).

I have a rather tumultuous history with maternal relationships. Right now, I am focusing on myself; a huge part of that is fostering real, and loving relationships with others. I’m totally being selfish, I have imprinted on her like a baby duck and I don’t know that there is any getting rid of the silent, yet tangible connection. In all honesty I know she won’t mind because she’s seen that I am a pretty great duck.

I was taught never to trust others; that anyone who wasn’t family couldn’t possibly love me without ulterior motives. I’m only now realizing that being conditioned to be afraid of others was simply a way to ensure that I stayed within boundaries that were as deep as a line in the sand, but felt like prison walls.

This person is brutal and compassionate; she pushes people past their limit because she has this magic ability to tell when someone has actually reached their limit. It can be exhausting. Even more so as someone who was still sitting in the sand, within borders that had long since washed away. That’s how all of my meaningful relationships have started, with people who knew what I was capable of...long before I felt ready to stand.

The first time I realized this weird relationship was something special is when I wanted to vent to her specifically during a a moment of ‘burn everything to the ground’. That was a leap of faith for me, and she responded with a statement that still motivates me:

Be the calm.

It was engrained in me that I was the cause of everything wrong in my life and the lives of others. I never really thought about being able to create my own calm. But in the context of that statement she was telling me I needed to be my son’s rock; knowing that I would do anything for that little dude.

She’s incredibly calculated, to the point that she ruins TV shows for herself the second she suspects the plot is leading to a twist. Even if it wasn’t her intention, that statement was another piece of the puzzle. I will do anything for the people I care about, and at a certain point I realized that doing things for myself wasn’t selfish... it is human. We are all striving to be the best versions of ourselves, and that includes recognizing our strengths and setting aside some of our positive energy for personal use.

I remember when the imprinting happened. I made a mistake. I went against her instructions; the consequences would’ve only caused me harm, but I wanted to hide. I confessed my mistake despite desperately wanting to hold it inside as a secret shame, but I told her. The situation honestly wasn’t a big deal, and no one (including me) was actually in danger but in the moment, it became my whole world. Then it happened. She showed me how a normal parent reacts in said situation. It wasn’t until that moment that I truly realized that not everything is my fault and I had some deeply rooted dysfunctional responses that I just assumed were normal.

When I was little I wanted to do cool moves on the playground, so I started hanging upside down on the swing set. I was so excited to show my mom. I was maybe 6 or 7, and at that age your mom or dad is your whole world. So I told her I had this really cool trick to show her. She told me not to hurt myself, and of course the second I leaned back...I fell straight onto my head and hurt my neck. I don’t remember how my mom reacted but I do remember how I reacted.

I didn’t even wait for comfort, I didn’t wait for reassurance that I wasn’t hurt. I ran. The playground was one house down, so I ran away from my mother as fast as I could and hid in a closet. It honestly hurts me to think about that now.

When I confessed my small mistake that felt like I had committed a hit and run, she didn’t double down. She didn’t berate me because there is no use to doing so when someone ALREADY knows they’ve done wrong. She didn’t assess the whole situation for collateral damage, she made sure I was ok. She must realllllyy love me because she did it without hesitation. That small act of normal human decency had never been shown to me. This is partially of my own doing because I never felt vulnerable enough to be forthcoming in those situations.

I had never felt unconditional love and by the time that I could experience it my internal voice had already convinced me that I wasn’t worthy of it. I will be forever grateful knowing that I now have a maternal figure who has my best interests at heart...without expecting anything in return. She thinks I can do everything, but I know that she will also be there to support me if I fall.

In short, thank you. Thank you for all you’ve done, thank you for all you do, and thank you for all you will do; not just for me, but for everyone around you.