Marriage is a Lie

Happily ever after in our favorite fairytale movies and television shows were what we clung to as children. We were taught that things that had to always be good or your relationship was not right, and things that are not right should eventually end. I have been married for a little over a year and though that seems like a minute compared to other marriages, I am here to say a marriage is not meant to be a fairytale.

I married my spouse last summer. We chose a cute date, we picked cute outfits, we eloped, we celebrated with friends and family and we were intimate for the first time. Before getting married we were very fond of each other, but we clashed on several occasions because we were so different. We were long distance and we spoke everyday. We fought a lot, cried numerous times on the phone and when the worldly thought of giving up on the relationship because it was too hard popped into my head, I ignored it. When everything in my being said you can walk away now before things get too intense, I ignored it. I still considered this person the love of my life and I wanted this person to be at the end of my life with me. I did not change my person, I did not change myself, I changed my mindset. This relationship was worth having. My person fought for me and I fought for them. That was worth more to me than always getting along, being everyone's "relationship goals" and "honeymoon phase".

The fighting and arguing did not cease, but the people did. I am a different person than I was before I met my spouse and they are a different person as well. With each argument a character flaw was revealed in each of us and with each flaw, we were able to do real work within ourselves. Being married has shown me the worst parts of myself, but also the best. This has been the most authentic I have had to be ever. In order to love my spouse, I have to accept that I am not perfect. I have to reflect on the fact that my spouse will notice my shortcomings more than anyone else, and things will be revealed that I have fought so hard to conceal. Things I do that hurt my marriage will surface, things that hurt me, things that hurt my spouse. Since being married, I have been at my lowest in terms of how I view myself. I have seen the darkness and evil in my heart. I have been able to work on myself in a way I never thought possible. I still struggle but I think I always will but this authenticity that my marriage has given me has really helped me to be a lot less selfish and a lot more giving, not only to my husband but those around me.

Because of all the hard and tedious work I have done so far in my marriage, I am super grateful for the blessings in my life. I have a 2 month old and she is absolutely precious. I was able to birth her in my home with only my spouse present and it was magical. I have been able to find a job where I can still be with my baby. My spouse has been doing remarkable in school. There are so many things I can list and so many things I am grateful for but I say all this to say, Marriage was not meant to be this pretty thing to show off or a milestone to meet in life. Marriage will either crush or uplift you or both. It is not what we see in the movies as kids or even now as adults. It almost resembles a hallmark christmas movie when they fall in love and something big happens that separates them and then they forgive and come back together but on repeat. It is a continuous cycle of forgiving your partner and yourself. Marriage is not meant to be easy or easy going. It is hard stuff but so worth it with the right warrior by your side.

Maybe it is a good thing that we see fairy tales in movies when we are little, to keep the innocence and hope alive for us as children. As an adult however, I wish I had someone to tell me just how intricate and difficult being married would be. I would not change the person I married or how we did it but being a little more prepared would not hurt. I love being married, I love not doing this crazy life alone. I love my baby. I love the family I am building. But Marriage in the eyes of society is a lie. The truth is we will all have different experiences, some great, some bad, some in between but one thing that society's idea of marriage cannot provide is reality and authenticity.