Seeing Parents as People

My mother was never one to speak about her feelings or anyone's feelings at that, so I knew when things went awry, I would be the one to have to figure things out. She was not perfect and I am glad she was not nor did she try to be. But as all parents do, she always tried to protect me from the truth of this world, the cruelty of this world. I was always too curious for my own good. My mother was in an abusive relationship, one truth you cannot hide from your child. Not for long at least. Her partner would verbally abuse her, always trying to convince her that she was stupid, or inadequate. When his words were not powerful enough, his fists did the job. Now I have never seen him hit her with my own eyes, and I will not sit here and say I saw him do it but I would always see the aftermath and unless she was doing that to herself, I believe it is safe to say he was hitting her. He would drag her to a room, close the door and have his way. This made me super sensitive to the feelings of others because I had learned to watch his every move to ensure he would not strike again as long as I was around.

I do not regard my mother's abuser as someone wicked and I do not hate him. In fact, I love him and though he was my mother's abuser, he was my father. I am not making excuses for him but what I am doing is seeing him as a person and not some perfect parent who should not make mistakes. He was not perfect, he was broken and had trauma from his past and because of his lack of belief in taking accountability for one's actions and his need to blame everyone for all that had ever happened to him. He was hurt, and hurt people hurt people. Apart from his abuse to my mother, he was an amazing father. He loved me as his own in the best way he knew how. I did not see my mother as weak, or stupid, I saw her as coping in the best way she could. She was strong, a survivor of domestic violence. She was in a manipulative relationship and "leaving" is easier said than done. 

These are my parents and though they are flawed (as I am sure most of us are), I love them and I forgive them because that could have easily been me. We learn everyday in the media, especially in television series about character development and that there is always hope for change. People can change and if we judge people by their irreversible mistakes, it says a lot about us than it does them. This I noticed from personal experience. I am not glad my parents were the way they were but seeing them make mistakes and constantly repeat these mistakes made me aware of how normal it is to make mistakes. I, however, learned accountability, facing consequences, learning from the mistakes I made in order to do better because I knew better. Every time I would lash out at school because my parents were lashing out at home, I was punished and I am grateful for that because I learned that with every bad decision, there would be consequences. For every child I hurt, it did not matter why I did it, I was punished. It did not matter if I thought that was love because that is what I was used to nor did it matter if I was screaming for help. I would still have to face the consequences for my actions. 

My parents failed each other in many ways. They failed themselves in many ways. This does not make it okay for me to follow in their paths and their footsteps because I am my own person. I cannot blame my actions on them because I am old enough to know right from wrong. I saw this post "Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it," and let me tell you, that is "realer than real" -M. Stallion. My parents are people, they love, hurt, get angry, hate, cry, smile, and they try. None of their behaviors are excused but them being human is not excused either. I forgive them for allowing their trauma and pain to manifest into mine. I realized forgiving is a hard thing to do but once you start making mistakes and messing up, you will see how much forgiveness sets not only you but others free. I forgive not only because I want peace for myself, and not only because I am imperfect and in need of forgiveness as well but because we all mess up and we all deserve forgiveness and maybe if you forgive someone and let them know they are worthy of forgiveness, they will start believing it too.

I have to remind myself that anything someone does to me, is not personal and mostly a projection of what they are going through. Whenever someone treats me badly, says mean things to me, uses me, talks about me behind my back reflects how they feel about themselves and has nothing to do with me. Yes it is still wrong but there is growth in seeing people as people who also go through things and who sometimes cannot cope in the best way. It is beneficial to give people the benefit of the doubt, it does not make you weak to see the good in people. Though my parents hurt me, they are people, and they did things that reflected how they felt about themselves. They did not deal with their pain so I had to and I forgive them for they did not know any better. I forgive them because they made mistakes that cannot be taken back. I forgive them because I love my peace of mind and I will not fester hate in my heart. That would only allow me to slowly become the hurt person who hurts others. I have done this and I cannot lie, I hurt many people because I was hurt but this cannot be an excuse. There is no excuse for hurting others. Acknowledging that I was hurt was where my journey to healing began. Acknowledging I had hate and sadness in my heart was where my healing began. Forgiving those who hurt me was where my healing began. "Healing begins where the wound was made." -Alice Walker.