Loving and Losing.

Moshe ben Yitchak. (Michael Saul Zartz)

I have no other way to write this but straight from the heart. My son and firstborn enterd the world kicking and screaming, and throughout his life, all he did was make others happy, laugh, or want to murder him. Figuratively speaking. True.

He could love you with that wide smile and loving kiss and the next moment jettison his father's clientele by letting all the BMWs roll down the hill. On purpose. One time he threw such a tantrum that my father (a patient man who did have limits) refused to look at him. My mother would say "This is a typical boy Sandra! He is totally fine. Dad will forget." Dad did.

I did not. I did not yell at nor punish my children, ever. I was gentle and loving and took as long as was needed to care for them, teach them, Nurture them, and Michael, my firstborn, was my parent's first grandchild and had a special place in all of our lives and our hearts. He drove us to drink. (Figuratively). Well, that is not totally true. This is not the time or the place to wax on wax off about that. He was "hyperactive" and would pedal his red car up and down corridors all night long, not like Lionel Richie but just like Danny in The Shining. He never slept.

The only way I ever rested was at weird times, such as between 6 and 7 AM and during Barney and Friends on SATV or M-Net.

At night, I had to lie with him and breathe with him, holding him tight on his low bed and falling asleep with him. We would sleep for a few hours and I was up with the dawn or earlier. To a scene from "The Shining" - that red pedal car, that is. That is where that analogy ends.

Michael was a huggy, kissy, on my lap kid - a loving child. He was smart and funny and creative and special to all and to me he was a miracle. No big deal.. at 3 or 4 a ride to the store would be such fun for Mikey but alas, not for me. He could not sit still. So, he rode in back - in his car seat for safety.

He was passionate, volatile, and creative. He was funny and naughty and a devil. As he grew he became melancholy. His father and I had divorced and I got to see him every three months. He missed me so. I missed him too. His sister (who was a baby when my husband and I divorced, and 5 years younger than Mikey) was fortunate in that she accompanied me to the USA. I was headhunted to start a Rehabilitation Company in Virginia. His father refused to allow him to leave Johannesburg. I understood but never wrapped my head around it. I still cannot.

Michael aka my straight shooter was full of beans. He loved video games, his PlayStation, his dog Nelson, and our Rhodesian Ridgeback, Lucky - and anything FAST. He loved being on TV with his father. He was referred to a so-called "Special School" to begin his education and he hated it. He was faster, smarter than anyone else. He wove stories and painted and drew strange wondrous pictures and art. He created masterpieces out of clay. He loved the potter's wheel and WOW was he good at it! His innate lust for music and his love of company, his need to feel that he belonged led him to the Synagogue Choir in Highlands North.

He figured out problems wisely and fast - his dad was an attorney and his mom a therapist with a love of mathematics and physics, human behavior, and psychiatry.

Michael Saul Zartz was born on September 5th. He was redder than a beetroot. He screamed loudly and lustily and was never silent. His life ended horribly. At age 18, asleep in the back seat of a car with 2 girls and the driver, another young man. The girls walked away with scratches. Both boys were killed instantly. Limbo is no place to be trapped.

He lingered for a month in a Johannesburg hospital in a coma. . Note that to me, a brain-dead coma = dead.

As my mom told me: "He is beautiful, Sandy - from the neck down." How she and my dad must have tempered their hearts to be with him 24/7 in that ICU - for weeks. You see, he died instantly when he hit the road with his head. He had been asleep, 0n the back seat. Heading home. I am sorry but this is making me cry. A moment, please. He was a teenager.

On the scene, he had no brain function. The ER MD told me that brain tissue and grey matter were coming out of his ears. Just like that. I am not stupid. I knew he was not in that body. He was a vegetable, kept alive by the doctors in order to "harvest his organs." I was horrified. I refused. I begged them to let my son GO. 'Let him go!"

He was dead on the scene. LET HIM GO. His heart worked. His kidneys worked. For a day. But Mikey refused to die. He wanted to know that I was OK before he left. I was not ok. I was shattered. Any mother would be. A cruel joke? No. I speak the truth. It shatters me.

Life support was removed, but Michael lived. I cannot explain this. He lived trapped between life and death - no brain function and no opening of his eyes, no response to stimuli of any sort. He remained in that ICU. Strange things happened. In my home. In my parent's home. I thought I had lost my mind. That cold hand grabbed my heart every morning at 2 AM waking me so that I could throw up. I was beyond pain. I was shattered. After one month, I received a call from the hospital - via my mother and father. I was told:

"Sandy, This is mommy. I am here with Michael. He needs to leave, please tell him it's OK to go. He is scared. Please tell him you are well, settled in the US, that Melissa is fine. Please tell him to go. He is lost. He is looking for you."

This makes no sense but it does. I talked to Michael for 30 minutes; long-distance from New Jersey to Johannesburg.

I spoke calmly and lovingly. I soothed him. I told him we were fine. I told him how much I love him. I told him how much have I have ALWAYS loved him.

I told him that he is always close to me in my heart. That is was ok to leave. The nurse's report states that when I had spoken to him, his blood pressure was elevated. When we had communicated and I had said 'bye, for now, I miss you!' it dropped fast. He had completed the journey.

Michael died within 15 minutes of my call. Life as I knew it would never be the same. Life as he knew it - was over the moment that accident occurred. Nevertheless, he is always with me, when I wake up scared and alone, I feel him close by and I remember the fun and the laughter and the LIFE he led! I celebrate his life - not his death. I continue to do just that. I will always be here for you kiddo and one day we'll hug and you'll drive me nuts and I CANNOT wait to feel that! I love you, Michael Saul Zartz. My Moshe ben Yitchak.

Love, Mommy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

PS: Stop tickling me!

MHDSRIP