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Parenting for Schmucks

by WriterS.InK Inc 7 months ago in parents


Aka “Don’t talk while I am interrupting”.

Verklempt? Take a moment -Discuss.

Show your kids who is boss, and they will never forget who the last word, whether you are breathing or not. You don’t have to have a pulse to make a point.

Is it necessary to have either of those? NO. What is necessary is for you to react appropriately. Whilst alive. No more “Wait till I tell your father”.

NO. Never was and never will be. My 2nd husband ran away and for all I know is now in Thailand under an assumed name. Working or being pampered ILLEGALLY. I will give you his name and a reward when found. He owes me his life. And over $500 000 plus emotional distress, deserting a wife who is almost perfect and way too good for him, as well as for all fees related to finding him, fixing him (in the most legal of fashions) and destroying him.

Note to self – send email and registered mail to wherever he is and tell him and anyone he has ever thought of going to or speaking with or living close to and say in writing:

“Hi Schmucko. I hope you died. SLOWLY”

My kids were brought up entitled and lazy. Just like their father. Not Kristal, Juan and right now, my daughter is not talking to me because she has made a cutesy connection between a fictional character I created and her late father. No baby, that’s not your daddy. I am your parent. You need no one else.

Watch their reactions to the following well delivered phrase:

“I am a mother with balls so don’t mess with me. I’ll double your pain and you will have ME there when you wake up to administer the wrong medicines.” This is a useful sentence and phrase and must be practiced to an art. Your voice and your tone are the only way all five-foot 2 inch you will perform effectively with those who would do you harm in any way, shape, or form. Especially the clones or kids. By the way it works just as well for taller or shorter parents of the Take No Prisoners Tribe. Ours. The Chosen Ones. Oy vys mir.

• Watch those little pishers run for home. Observe your millennial whilst she dramatizes how you over-react, and you ALWAYS make a big deal about nothing. Bull Shit. It is VITALLY important to her future and her role as mother in waiting but not in training.

• No way will I allow a child of mine even after age 40 to sleep at a friend’s house overnight without ADULT supervision. EVER. It’s not about trust. You know darn well what YOU did at that age, and you sure as sh*t do not want her to screw up her life the way you screwed up yours.

Yeah, that’s right. I am not perfect. Are you surprised? My parents were. I got away with murder because my mother was not paying attention. On the other hand, my father WAS. He would be at the front door with a belt to beat the future ex-bf away preferably with a Doberman and sound effects at 4 5 6AM for as long as it took.

Back in the old country we do not use weapons. We use INFLUENCE. Much more powerful and lasts a lifetime. Never forget that “A bad name lasts forever” to paraphrase Woody Allen. It’s no trip to the Bermuda Triangle but worth a try. My kids dad and first husband tried to lose me there and failed. I loved him for all his life. He was not Israeli nor Mexican Israeli, but a local unmarried good looking mensh and SMART. Had his own firm/practice, entertained lavishly for all his clients, and treated everyone as fairly as the next, even with payment plans. He adored the kids and he respected me as a human being as well as an asset to his firm and his practice.

Strange values and folk live in the US of A. Including me. Yes, you heard it correctly. More racist than I ever experienced than in Apartheid SA. Me? I do not tolerate discrimination of ANY kind. Look at me funny and I can kill with a look. I can give anyone the curse of the Golem from 50 miles in the rain, on the beach and especially in traffic.

I am a legal US Citizen and took my oath a week ago. A side of me which I had suppressed in true neurosis style has leaped to the fore. I will take BS from NO ONE. EVER. You can be the King of the Castle but screw you if you get in my way. I am DRIVING here. And I look a lot nicer than Dustin Hoffman. (Forgive my artistic license but I EARNED it.)

In any city or town all around the globe parents are ignoring the fact that sometimes their kids are middle of the road ordinary. What’s so bad about that? Nothing. Just know that in some countries you cannot buy intelligence. You must inherit it. It cannot be taught, and it is passed from generation to generation until a stronger strain of meshugas kicks in (like The Mossad Strain).

G-D forbid I ever meet another Israeli with attitude as I did with John aka Juan Kristal last address Hoboken NJ. Home Depot. Blood will flow (probably mine). This idiot RAN AWAY and hid. I am no Joe Pesci angry white African American Jewess. I may mix my metaphors freely, but – hell -do not disrespect me EVER.

Don’t dare talk whilst I am interrupting.

Back to the matter in question: Your younger clones. Child or Adult, a child is always a child to YOU and is never too young or too old to learn, argue, lose, and accept that what mom says is Kosher and written in menstrual blood or Manaeshevitz. Someone please, check the spelling and help me here. Your children are and will always be children to you. Done and done. They can be older than you are, if inherited by way of remarriage but they are still KIDS.

They do stupid things, or nothing at all, and then wonder why the hell the world is not totally open to their ideas and way of handling life’s basic survival skills?

Again, back to the topic at hand (you should pardon my expression).

NO! Don’t pardon it – EMBRACE it! It is worthy of more than a simple raise of a plucked eyebrow or look of disdain. I have no problem with YOU no matter who you are or which G-d you chose to call upon in moments of passion. You may be king and I a cat. Does that mean that we should not discuss and converse? Please for the LAST TIME Do not mess with my kind my people my family and especially my children be they kids or grown men and women. I WILL FIND YOU.

You have no idea how wonderful it is to be able to stand up to your whiny millennial and speak the TRUTH whether they can or cannot handle it – it is immaterial.

Here are a few basic examples:

  1. If she is a girl, she already knows it and is pushing your buttons. This is not acceptable behavior.
  2. If she is a boy, you are both screwed. Say it anyway.

Say what you mean and mean what you say good and bad.

Remember how you felt when your mom or dad did the same thing to you when you did the same thing? You felt like sh*t. You cried and wet your pants. I know I did. I still do but now it’s acceptable, I have had babies through this lovely body.

Venting works. So does pulling out your hair and having a heart attack ready on demand. Dramatic yes, effective sometimes and often fatal to both of you. This is not a game. This is LIFE and baby, only the strong survive. You were not born to rule, you were born to drool kid, and I don’t give a rat’s ass if you are from Africa or America the rules are the same.

My rule is like Newtons: “For Every Action there is an Equal and Opposite Re-action”, and if that mother or parent is Jewish, G-d help you, child. As every good Jewish Grandmother who has in her time has passed these skills down to you at birth and to your sisters.

Brothers? Who knows and who cares? Not me. I am one of three sisters, all different with hair color and skills and way of life. We all hate each other. It’s normal. Get over it already.

To all of you out there who are awarding medals to the kid who comes in last; or awarding prizes for ATTENDING school, go away and fix it.

This is not normal in any culture.

Your children will remember you, your words, your sarcasm, and your wit FOREVER. Do not applaud mediocre. They remember and will always throw that back at you with ninja like accuracy.

As they become less dramatic and have responsibilities, professions, not jobs, and children of their own, they will pass those very same values down to their offspring and we shall all be a hell of a lot happier than we are now.

Should you have questions or problems -Call me.

Love is always a passion, and so is truth.

Thursday, July 1, 2021 All Rights Reserved.


WriterS.InK Inc

I am a creative soul. I have been self-isolating for a year. I am quiet and can be funny and the life of the party.

I had two beautiful children but lost my son a few years ago in a car crash in Johannesburg, South Africa. I write a LOT.

Read next: Handle With Care

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