It's Not You, It Never Was.

My mother once said that as long as I was safe she didn’t care about the world, but then I started to care more about the world than being safe. Having a complicated relationship with your parents feels strange. All my mother had ever done was try to love me while not loving herself. My mother was not the person who raised me, my other mom did. It was always bio mom was the mother or her first name, and adopted mom was mom or mama. My mother tried her hardest to give me the best life possible and adoption was the answer.

My bio mother was always kind, and my bio father was always angry. I have both her joy and his anger in me. It's almost like they are at war. In a dream, I saw my mother with the love of her life and no children it was the happiest I'd ever seen her. These stories always happen. When you look at your hands, you think of your mother. When you look in the mirror you see your father staring back at you. You've never met your father you will never see the real you. I remember my mother telling us that this family tree is rotten up. Rotten is what I think of when Someone mentions my biological family. I have a lot of anger, I think it comes from my father. I can hold a grudge like him too.

It's 4:30 AM in my childhood bedroom. I'm wondering what my Birth mother was like when she was my age 24, wide-mouthed about everything. if the world convulsed for her too. I don't know if she even loved me. Maybe I'm just not what she wanted. I just think some women aren't meant to be mothers and some girls aren't meant to be daughters. I have a lot of love for my biological mother but she is different than what she turned out to be.

My childhood wasn't bad. I was adopted at almost five months old by a great single mother. She is amazing and taught me that my bio parents are flawed just like the rest of us. She raised me to treat my bio parents with compassion because they didn't have a lot of compassion or the best time growing up. So when I was old enough to ask about them I was told the truth, or at least what she knew. All of my questions were answered or she helped me find the answer. I was 24 when I found out about my other siblings. That was the most shocking thing I learned in my research about them. I have two full siblings and 4 half siblings on my bio mother's side. There are seven of us now.

Going from being an only child to having six other people who share your DNA was challenging. Since I am the oldest I had a hard time thinking that I could have changed things. I was only a little more than a month old when my bio mom got pregnant with my brother, then my bio mom got pregnant with my sister when my brother was 2 months old. learning these things about my family just broke my heart more. Learning about my bio family proved that it was never me. They needed help they couldn't do it on their own and that's okay Their needing help saved me and saved my siblings' lives as well. I don't blame them for giving us up. They were doing the best that they could and they wanted to give us the best. They knew that they couldn't give us the best.