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In My Head

by Sirena Sparks 2 years ago in grief
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My lonesome heart

In My Head
Photo by kilarov zaneit on Unsplash

I remember the saddest day of my life. Everything was as usual for the start of my day. As I wipe the sleep out of my eyes from the night before. The first thought that invaded my mind was; “That’s right I still have a shot!” I run to the bathroom and shove it in and oh my God that feels awesome! Well we’ll see how good Tina is to me by tonight.

“Come on kids time for breakfast!”

I hear something, someone talking, who is that? Whispers that I can’t quite make out. I want to know what their saying. “Mom come on we’re hungry!”I snap out of it and get to it.

There, kids are off to school so now it’s just Tina and me for the day. “Let’s go have some fun,” so she says anyways. Ahh my next injection and now I’m a little bit speeded up now.

Move the couch; the table goes in front of one door and the bookshelf in front of the other door. There that way the police can’t just sneak in without me hearing them first. Then I’ll be in the bathroom, door locked with my oh so trusted knife. I’m not going back to jail, I’ll kill myself before that happens.

Ahh exhale out the smoke goes! What was that or who was that walking in to my room. My heart starts to hammer so loud I can’t hear anything. My mind running wild and away with it, I try to listen for any sounds of someone moving around in there.Wait a minute there’s those whispers again, and their talking amongst themselves. Then I hear what sounds like a radio station tuning in with all the static. “She says I don’t know how she heard me I just started rambling on and she heard me. Just start saying stuff and see if she hears you too.

I’m running through the house trying to figure out what’s going on when the thought crosses my mind, is it the cops? Can they hear my thoughts? “Oh my God there here to get me!”

Now in my bathroom shooting as much dope as I can before they make it to me I see out the window and is that someone in my trees? Cops with machine guns watching me, the whole time I’ve been sitting here and they could see what I was doing. “Well I give up you got me!” I come out of the bathroom with my hands in the air.

Waiting to be tackled I look around and I see no one. Then the voices start to laugh with evil outbursts. Wait til she sees what we’re going to do to her daughter in her sleep if she tells anyone about us. I start repeating myself over and over saying pumpkin rewind pumpkin rewind. I say this over and over til I figure their gone.

Quite surrounds me once again just when I see a shadow move across the wall. Then another one from right next to me. Wow now I’m scared! Instead of them being the cops, they may be spirits, and of course my mind went there, demon! I can’t breathe and I still end up holding my breath.

I finally suck in and realize just how confused I really am! My mind raced from one thought to the next. These voices though they ain’t just in my head. That noise outside what if it is the cops?

I fixate out the window til I convince myself that it is them. The toilet flushes and saying goodbye to Crystal has to be so! Another movement outside and I drop to the ground. I’m trying to keep my breathing slow as I army crawl from room to room trying to get to a part of the house where I can see out but they can’t see in.

They flood my thoughts with there own conversations. Planning a way to come in. As long as this knife is sharpened enough, the blood will spill from my wrist and my throat! Like I said I’m not going back to jail.

“Come on you guys this isn’t funny anymore she’s serious, she’s gonna kill herself.” This has went far enough the female voice says. “She ain’t gonna kill herself she ain’t got the guts to go through with it.” Thee other male voice says “yes I think it’s wrong she makes meth but I feel sorry for her.” “Why she ain’t gonna stop, “yes I am shows what u guys know you don’t know shit,” I say out loud to them.

Well if they can hear my thoughts and their putting radio waves in my mind that’s how I hear them talk or they got me wired somehow. Guessing begins all over again who can they be.

It’s gotta be a hex, voodoo or something. My thoughts are not my own. Afraid of what they will hear next, I try repeating the same words again, pumpkin rewind over and over again til I could get control of myself.

“Meth where are you your supposed to be right here. Help me through this lonely unforgiving day.

I hold tightly to the walls as I go back down the hall. Memories come flooding, eroding my mind. My dope, I realize I flushed it and instantly I’m so freaking mad at myself I start crying. Well you didn’t think that was all of it did you?

Barricaded in my bedroom and inside my head I pull on the plunger to hard and fast so the sound about stopped my heart when the needle came apart! Then there in that instant I was aware again of every single noise. I hear something coming from my neighbors apartment.

Oh my God dude their testing the air levels so they know if I’m doing meth or not. I hurry up shut off the lights and jumped into bed. Maybe if they think I’m sleeping I can bust them spying on me through my closet or walls.

“ She’s laying still I think she’s sleeping.” No she’s not she can still hear us!”

Don’t let them know your still awake make them think your sleeping with all your might! Then ahh ha I jump out of my bed and go running for the closet cause this is where I’m convinced the noise is coming from.I put up blankets in the closet like in the shape of the closet so they couldn’t see me no more, and that’s where I stay for hours just listening.

Appearing in front of the mirror in the bathroom I stare. This is when I see him focusing in on my body. Trying to settle in the same movements I was doing. I had to really have an opened mind because it was happening right in front of me. His face bobble headed movements started to fall in line with new and then after awhile I just lost site of myself. I heard a goofy type of bigger guy talking and snickering as I looked for him in my eyes, but he was no more. Well since this incredible memory comes to mind, it’s so unsettling because there’s only one other thing ever since that day where I felt like something wasn’t right. One of my eyes are different from each other pupil dilation and shape.

Did you know that a demon can supposedly possess someone. They can mimic different voices, voices you know and sometimes you don’t .

All these different types of things where the voices can be coming from and the sad part about it is, is I still to this day 9 years later always find myself from the start of the day thinking there spirits then by middle day to night time, I’m walking a thin line of what’s real and what’s not reality anymore. I can sometimes here them start up a conversation and it will be about someone I know and it’ll be some random subject but soon after I run into them and they will say something regarding what I was already hearing. This is sad for people like me who continuously hear voices because you never will believe that it’s just really in your head!

grief

About the author

Sirena Sparks

I have always loved to write poetry. It’s been my dream To be able to have some of my poems published. My main line of focus is addiction and the voices meth left behind.

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