I have always loved to write poetry. It’s been my dream To be able to have some of my poems published. My main line of focus is addiction and the voices meth left behind.
War Of Hope
The smell of Christmas is in the air and I’m getting ready for Santa! Wrap this wrap that and a smile consumes my face. Dancing angels were sure in my head. Mom says it’s bedtime for me now and I retreat towards it. From the living room through the kitchen and here I’m at the bottom of the stairwell. As the first step creeks my second foot is on the second step and that’s when I see him! Come here little girl, and with one arm he grabs me. Swoops me up like feathers in space. He proceeds to grab at me and touch me and I can’t fathom for the life of me what’s going on. I know it’s wrong though and I try to run I get a couple steps away and he rips me back down the stairs, now I’m scared. He finishes with me and for some reason I floated up to my big brothers room. I grab my blanket and I lay on the floor, I go over what just happened and I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong! All I can smell is his old spice it clogs in my nose. I didn’t remember when I first woke up I was just a little girl still with Christmas ahead of me! Then I roll over and the thought floods my memory and I’m sick to my stomach so I run to the bathroom and I throw up. What was that he said if I tell I’m gonna get in to trouble. I weigh this over in my little mind and take the first step. Creek down one I go quickly looking around to make sure I avoid the monster from the night before. I make it to the bottom step and as I turn into the kitchen “Steve!” I run to him and this feels like safety. He grabs me up and puts me on his lap so I begin to tell him the events from the night before also telling him that I didn’t want him to tell my mom cause I would get my but spanked. He set me straight on that part of it but still my innocence would forever be lost to that night on the stairs. He changed my life and set me down a path that I may have done differently had I the chance and opportunity! That night echoes still to this day. It haunts me so much so that I had became a drug addict and been to prison not once but twice. I’m happy to say that I’m in recovery from souless fellows, also drugs don’t put me to sleep no more! God put me where I needed to be and I got the classes I needed to start the journey of healing. Thank you to Steve Conrad who listened with great concern. He was laid to rest not to long after that he was ran over by a car one winters night. But he started my life back in the forward motion. I have him to thank for giving me the courage to speak up!
How could you vomit those words up like they didn’t mean anything? You fired that gun inhaling the fragments that stained your face! Trust you is what you whispered into the side of my neck. Walls melted away and I blurted out the truth! The words hung into dried out nothing! My heart hammered out of control and for a second I thought I was dying.! You were supposed to be right here by me with arms of steel. Not let me sway in one direction or the other just firm. Emptiness pitted in the bottom of my gut and I knew I trusted the souless wonder.You made me believe that you really understood, that you reflected my raw emotions. The slap in the face that fallowed your cruel intentions made my face burn hot. You threw them around like they had no real meaning. That they were empty, void of concern. Yet I took your apologies and opened my world to you again and again! Who would of known that you would shove that knife again in my open chest. I sit here literally scared like there is someone just on the other side of the door ready to ram that steel bar down my throat. The spit still on my face from you saying it’s just me, I’m just paranoid, it’s just the voices you here. Fallowed by an echo of silence and then hammering in my ears again, I swallow and try to see the shadows on the ceiling so I can see exactly where they are. Where’s there point of entry? Why don’t they just come in already, I have my trusted knife piercing the flesh on my jugular. I mean it babe please, their coming In any second. Whipping herself out of bed she leaves me exposed! Enthralled in the illumination of her light. Your dumb if you can hear them talking about you. “It’s just you just stop!” I wince my eyes together and will it not to happen. Suddenly baboom the cat falls from the dresser to the table and I swear my heart stopped then in that instance. I jump up and lock the second lock on the door and head for the window. Lifting the curtain I try to see out where they can’t see in and my concentration is broke by hallow screaming coming from your side of the room! “Shut the curtains they can see you!” Oh my God help me I can’t take this anymore I’d rather die. Crying, I retreat to my side of the bed and for the moment I hear your soul crying too. It’s screaming for me to take this abuse so you don’t have to!
In My Head
I remember the saddest day of my life. Everything was as usual for the start of my day. As I wipe the sleep out of my eyes from the night before. The first thought that invaded my mind was; “That’s right I still have a shot!” I run to the bathroom and shove it in and oh my God that feels awesome! Well we’ll see how good Tina is to me by tonight.
When I come into your life my promises will make you feel numb, but soon after I’ll leave you looking nothing but dumb. I’ll be stabbing you in the back before you realize, That everything I’ve told you is nothing but lies. You inhale and dreams come true, visions dance through your brain, and then you turn blue. You won’t shut up and I only want them to stop, I’m downt at the bottom when I was at the top! be quite for a little peace of mind, Are my thoughts in my head even mine? They talk and they laugh doing what they do, Waiting for you to take another hit until it kills you. Promises that meth made and so many so, never made up I should have said no. The baggage it carries is heavy to the point, where the only thing left is to smoke a joint. Can I calm down and get relief from this disease, I’m begging you methhamphetamine please baby please. The gift that you gave and left from the start, Took my kids my mother my home you tore us apart. Now I sit here listening to them chatter away, not knowing if I even want to live not even for one more day. I’m to the point I’m giving up I can’t take it no more, you’ve tugged and tugged on me til I was a dirty little whore. Beginning to think maybe it’s all just a hex,God help me please tell me what’s next. What can I do to make my own thoughts and stand alone, I want to rip my skin off downt to my bone. I don’t want this vessel any longer, it’s just making me weak and I need to be stronger. Maybe next time I will just walk away,Only whispers left I can’t hear what they say. When will this vicious cycle end? People watching me,where are you meth your supposed to be my best friend. It’s there minds there thoughts that I know I hear, but that’s just today, tomorrow’s what I fear. When day breaks through and your stairing out your windows wondering who’s out there,the longer I look the longer I stare. There’s people in the trees watching me so I have to go hide,Yep me and Christina again on a wild ride. When I get in my room and lock myself in, this is where all the fun will begin. Shadows dance across the walls and fall away,Oh Jesus they found me, I can’t take this today. The cracks in the walls are all foiled up so aliens won’t pervade, I guess I’m safe just for today! So the next time Tina calls me will I give in,most likely I will just like I’ve been. My existence is pointless I wonder about today, This won’t be the end of what I have to say. I will return with another tale to let you all see, the truth about Methamphetamine!!