In Honor of my Father, Dr Abakpa Benedict Ameh (1951-2021).

It has been a year since mum and I were on the phone praying for daddy to stay with us...a year since my big brother softly said from the other end of the phone line "Daddy's gone".

Everyday I think of my dad especially at the times that used to be our daily morning and evening chats with him and mum. They had become such a deeply engraved habit that trying to continue them with mum seemed too hard for both of us so we created a different tradition of it instead.

Nobody ever really dies. I still believe that my daddy is still here on the other side of a mirror that our physical eyes can't see. But that does not make it hurt any less.

I think of all he did for me; the many road trips from Makurdi to Jos taking us to boarding school, the many extras that he gave in time and money and most of all in prayers that I believe he is still giving, the last time we hugged at the airport in Abuja and the memory of he and mummy waving me goodbye as I boarded my flight to the UK. I think of everything....

I celebrate my father everyday!

Grief never gets old and the best thing we can do for those who have gone before us is to remember them well.

Music is a powerful tool for communicating to and about those we have lost. We each must find a modality for healing that fits our uniqueness and in my case, this happens when I sing my daddy's favorite songs or imagine him singing them. I wrote him a song when he was alive and now that he isn't in our realm anymore I wrote him a song that can echo his legacy and honor him always.

After writing about my dad's passing last year in this article, I still felt there was more to say to him and the beautiful outcome was this song in honor of my father which you can listen to HERE as well as read the lyrics too.

How this all came about:

A few weeks ago I came in contact with an amazing young man named Ben Buddy Slack who is the founder of THE SWAN SONG PROJECT through another amazing woman named Amanda at MAGGIE'S opposite St James University Teaching Hospital, Leeds where I received treatment for the cancer I survived which I mentioned in a previous post.

"Go to sleep, Go to sleep. What you've done today is enough" is something daddy would say to me when I still lived with he and mum and kept late nights trying to finish one mini project or the other and even now sometimes I hear him whisper those words in my ear when I have stayed up too late at night and find it hard to go to sleep.

Daddy loved to send me voice notes of he and mum singing their favorite worship songs and I still listen to those to feel close to him. Daddy loves his hymns and I listen to them to pull him closer still.

The more of daddy's music I embrace and make, the more I am assured that this is true- Daddy is still alive in my memories, in my head, in my heart and everywhere.

Like many who grieve a lost loved one, I dream of my daddy often. Sometimes I wake up and wonder what day, month and year it is and pick up the phone to call him only to realize that he won't pick up the phone in real life as easily as he did in my dreams.

In those moments, I hear him whisper, "Cathy, I'm still here".