Losing Daddy.

My daddy passed away 116 days ago on March 18, 2021. ..2 days after he and mummy's 43rd wedding anniversary.

He enjoyed lunch with the whole family and they all video called me on WhatsApp so I could join them in the family celebration on March 16, 2021.

My daddy was buried on what would have been his 70th birthday- April 10,2021.

It feels like just yesterday. It will always feel like yesterday.

My daddy was a good man. He was kind and very generous. For the last year we spoke every single day, some days even twice a day because I live in the UK and the rest of my family live in Nigeria.

He had been ill for a while and was recovering when suddenly, his health started taking a turn for the worse. ..

My daddy was an excellent Gynaecologist and Obstetrician and thousands of patients and their children exist to prove the joy he brought to many families with his expertise. I know this well because I once was his teaching assistant and PA.

Most importantly, my daddy was an excellent father; And mummy can tell you that he was the world's best husband.

Now that he is gone I realise that no man in this world will ever love me quite as well as my daddy did.

Like most families we had rough times but the good times far exceeded them and the last year was the best we shared regardless of the distance between us.

We shared everything; well at least I know I did. I opened up to him and mum and now they know absolutely everything about me; the icing on that cake was knowing that they still love me regardless.

Many times I wish that we could trade places because of how much my mummy hurts but then I realise how that would have broken them too. There just is no winning with death.

For reasons beyond my control I could not travel for the funeral but followed it all online... It is impossible to describe the helpless guilt that brings every now and again.

There is no manual that comes with losing a parent and I hope you never lose yours but certain things in life cannot be avoided.

Therefore, please allow me lay out a few things everyone needs to know about losing a parent and some of what the grief that comes with it is like. This may help us be better support to our friends and loved ones who experience this kind of pain.

1. Please do not ever say the words, "I know exactly how you feel". It is not only a lie but a blatant expression of how much you really don't. I understand how much you are trying to be a comfort but I have heard a few times before that it is much better to say nothing at all than to say what we know or understand very little of.

2. The grief will never go away. After the funeral, life goes on for everyone else and while we do not expect the world to hang up their daily business on our account, an occasional check in from a friend that says 'you are on my mind and I am sending you warm hugs' makes quite a lot of difference in ways that are difficult to aptly describe.

3. Love is stronger than death. It is the love that you shared with who you have lost that keeps you going; the moments when you close your eyes and imagine a connection with them to say "I will always love you. I will always carry you with me. I will never forget you....." and the drinking in of the many ways they loved you too that keeps one going.

4. For some people, you will dream of them often; I have been told that some of these dreams are reflections of unresolved emotions and could be the mind's way of gaining some measure of closure to the situation. However, in my experience, that closure never comes and I have made my peace with that.

Most of what I looked forward to, such as, getting married and having kids have lost the spark they once used to have. It is true that they will bring my family joy, but that space where daddy was and should be will never go away.

Every single one of us will die one day and this is a little piece of what the pain those we leave behind may feel. While there is little or nothing we can do about it, we can focus on loving one another the best way we can while we are still alive so that regret does not make the grief that comes with losing a loved one a lot harder to bear.

Thank you daddy for loving me perfectly. Thank you for forgiving me for the many imperfect moments we struggled through. Thank you for healing with me. Thank you for all the sacrifices you made for me. Thank you for everything!

I will always love you. Until we meet again.

Your baby,

Cathy