I Won't Back Down

I'm pretty positive that inthis life, most of us have heard at least once, if not over and over, the phrase, "life is hard". The truth behind that simple 3 word phrase can be seering, and very hard to accept. Especially if you were just born dealt a hard hand to play to begin with. It is nice to be able to open your heart to inspirational events or even songs that come your way, and keep you going. This is my story:

I was born a small town girl. I was born with the cards stacked against me in many, many ways. I was also born sensitive, an empath, and a dreamer. Both gifts and curses, due to where my life began, and my childhood circumstances. My mother was bi-polar. My father, although the kind of dad who always took us out to the mountains, swimming, bowling, and would do all kinds of things with us, had a very bad temper, and was physically abusive with us from a very young age. Beginning at a very young age, my oldest brother would sneak into mine and my sister's room, and hide under the bed just before we laid down to sleep. When the time came, and he thought we were sleeping, he would then begin to use our bodies as some kind of demented, curiousity driven play ground. I remember being so scared and confused, that I would do my best to pretend to sleep through the whole thing. This went on for years, until our single level home burnt down, and our family moved into two apartments, so we then were separated from my brothers.

If my home life wasn't chaotic and painful enough, I didn't fit in at school. Anyone who grew up in a small town knows that if you don't really fit into a clique or a popular group, you were marked to be tormented, gossiped about, teased, and even bullied on a daily basis. This is very hard for a young person, who is seeking identity, on the journey to find out who they are, and trying to develope a sense of self worth. I was certainly a sad, sad little girl, who felt I had nowhere safe to go, and nobody to talk to.

Only few things kept me going. I had talents. I am an artist. I was amazing at putting together, and starring in my own little plays. I continued to participate in these activities, even though when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, and answered Artist, I was shot down. The adults in my life, whom I loved, always answered that it was "unlikely" or just plain "impossible". They always told me I'd better have a plan B.

The difficult lives we lived as children not only had an effect on me. My siblings were effected as well. My oldest brother fell in with the wrong crowd. He was angry, and rebelled. Drugs, alcohol, skipping school, and also, depression. He was eventually caught robbing and vandalizing the local golf course, and all of his other issues came to light. He was sent away. That was the beginning of my family being split and broken. My sister was in a fight with my father over cleaning her room, and was beaten considerably. More things were revealed to the community, and my sister went away. My other brother left the house early, ready for a life of his own. I was then alone with my parents in the home.

I was ready to become a teenager. One who had been conditioned her whole life thus far to seek love and acceptance anywhere I could find it. I found acceptance from other outcasts and rebels, or the "bad kids". Yes, I was still depressed inside. And yes, I began to drink, but I was having fun and adventure with my friends.

On one adventure, one of my friends had taken his family's truck, and we were going for a ride to our favorite swimming hole. The truck had a broken clutch, and the trail to the back of the lake was rough, beaten down with ruts and ditches, due to a wet spring and people out mud bogging. There was no room for me in the cab, so I rode in the bed of the truck. My friend hit a ditch really hard, and I went flying. I came down on the back of my head against the inside of the tail gate. I then began having seizures.

I had already seen and been through so much in my young life. Then came another serious challenge. I developed Epilepsy. My world had already been unpredictible and uncertain enough. Now, I had to go day to day, not knowing where or when my body might lose control next, also knowing that not many people around would even understand what was happening. Episodes at school. Episodes while with friends. It was all too much for a young, developing mind to take.

A darkness inside of me began to take me over. I became extremely depressed. All of those feelings of being worthless, helpless, unloved, and unaccepted came swirling back over me, like a cloud of smoke. Even my friends couldn't save me. I went to my freshly filled prescription, and thought to myself, " I now know what I must do". I gagged and swallowed them all down, assured that my suffering was going to end, and everyone was going to be better off without me.

I woke up three days later in the hospital. I can remember thinking, "oh, great! Another thing I couldn't do right"! Gathering bits and pieces of what had happened, I learned that my mother had been blamed for my condition because when she found me, she did not call emergency services right away. It was not her fault, though. She thought I was sick due to my condition. She didn't know what I had done. I left no note. I also learned that I really should have died. Everyone seen this as some kind of miracle that I was alive, and my mother was charged, and I was then sent to a foster home.

For the next nine months, I was guilt stricken, feeling like a bigger loser than ever, and living with strangers, who couldn't possibly understand. I knew there would be know way I could explain this to the "experts", so I put on an oscar worthy performance of smiles and outward positivity. I was dying inside, aknowledging there was no way out. Nobody even bothered to ask me what was wrong with my life.

After returning home, I began to meet up again with some of my old friends. I went on to do my work, continuing school, and here and there having a chance to display my talents. I also became familiar again with the music I loved growing up. I attained my driver's license, and with that came some freedom. Freedom to drive out to the middle of nowhere with a few close friends. We would listen to the eighties metal and classic rock that were a familiar companion to me, hike around, or build a fire. That is how I met the future love of my life through a friend.

This nice young man and I were becoming the best of friends. I felt so safe in his presence. And for the first time, I didn't feel alone in some way. We became so close, that he was able to see past my outward performance, and knew I was hurting very badly on the inside.

On the day I would remember forever, when things would really change for me, we went for a ride together. We walked in the middle of nowhere, and talked for hours. When we made it back to the car, sat down, closed the doors, and started the car, he had gained the courage to ask me my story. I was completely caught off guard. I took the chance, and trusted that I could open up to him. I spilled my guts. Everything from beginning to end. Plenty of tears throughout. Oh, how vulnerable I was at that time! He held me, assured me that I was safe with him, and that he understood. Every emotion that I had locked away, was now out there to feel and experience all over again.

When I finished, I was exhausted, and the sun began to set. I remember my mind saying, "how could you go on". I then turned on the radio. A moment I will never forget. I Won't Back Down by Tom Petty began to play. I was open to every lyric, every beat, every message intangled in that masterpiece of life advise. I felt it in my heart. I felt it in my soul. I suddenly felt confident. I suddenly felt in control. I felt the real meaning behind the phrase, "I got this". We felt it together. I began to heal.

On that day, I had gained two of the most valuable things in the world. A life theme song, and a life partner. I went on to finish highschool early, and we were married. Not that everything since that time 20 years ago has been all peaches and cream. There have been challenges, and I knew there would be. Any time I have felt beat up, burned out, or defeated, I have been able to play Tom Petty's I Won't Back Down to rise above it. It gives me the courage to continue to dream. We have 3 wonderful children, a home and property we always dreamed of, and visions for the future. There are still challenges. I am now the mother of teenagers. I know that can be a tough time in life. I also know that I can play that song, and lift and empower them, too.

R.I.P. Tom Petty. He is my musical hero! even though he is gone, his gifts to those who feel it live on! No matter what may come, I can say, I won't back down!