I Want to Be Mom

I don’t know what else to do or what else I could say. My heart is heavy. My mind can’t stop thinking about the upcoming hearing. What is believed to be the last hearing. The final decision of who gets custody or what is in the best interest of Chandler.

I’m not sharing to have the father of Chandler bashed on or to receive any blow-back from this. He and I are friends trying to be civil. Please think of kindness over hate.

I’m sharing and pouring out my heart because as a mother, I feel we need to stand together. I have fought so hard and so long to be heard, that I just want to be Chandler’s mom. That I want shared custody. We have been in court since February of 2019 because Chandler’s father wants full custody. If not full custody, then 75% of Chandler’s time with him, then 25% of Chandler’s time with me. I don’t agree because I have been there for Chandler through so much. We have been separated these last 11 months. Chandler is to be starting school after he turns three to further help with speech because the person chosen to help has failed Chandler. I feel there should be more exploration into this and other avenues to help him should be searched. That school is great. At the tender age of three and to be separated from his mother doesn't help that.

These last 11 months, when the father works, the grandparents help in taking care of Chandler. His parents. Last December of 2018, I had help for Chandler and his speech. We were on the right track until I had to make a heartbreaking decision to leave. Chandler didn’t receive any further help with speech until March.

Since the dissolve of the relationship last December, things seem to be better with the relationship between father and son. There is now a bond that wasn’t so much there before. Since things ended with Chandler’s father, Chandler doesn’t see us fight or argue.

I am Chandler’s mother. I should be there for his milestones. I shouldn’t be a weekend visiting mom. I should be more involved in his life. I have so many who can attest to my background of being alcohol and drug free. I do have medical conditions that are being questioned if I can still be mom. I am getting proper treatment, taking medications and going to appointments. I have been seeking counseling for my emotional trauma. I have made some first time mom mistakes. I have owned that. I have done better and continue to do better. I honestly can’t see why I should be moved aside for the grandparents to help raise him and for me to continue being a visiting mom.

I just can’t wrap my mind or heart around the idea of Chandler and I further being separated. I have so many against me and so many broken relationships because I chose to do something better for my health and for Chandler. I chose for Chandler to grow up in a better environment away from toxicity. I made the hardest decision of my life because I decided to be self less instead of selfish. I looked ahead and thought about the man Chandler would grow up to be. In my heart I know that I have done right by Chandler. I strive to be a better person and mother every day.

I know I can appeal. I know I can keep fighting. I will never stop fighting to be Chandler’s mom. To be there for him. He wants his mom. We had such an amazing bond. His little arms hugs me so tight when we visit. He has had moments of throwing a fit and hitting me because can’t express how hurt he is. He will be three this January. I’ll never get back all that I missed out on these last 11 months. I will admit some of that’s on me because I chose to drag his father to court to defend myself.

There is always two sides to every story. It takes two people to make a relationship and two to break it. We both are at fault for it not working. We cannot work. We gave it nine years. All that is left is a friendship. A hope to be civil and raise Chandler.

My only hope in sharing this is let others know they aren't alone. To have hope that West Virginia Family Court System to do right by Chandler. That on the 19th of this month that everything has been heavily considered and that what is in Chandler’s best interest will be done.

I have no legal representation and the courts can’t appoint an attorney in a case like this. I almost had me an attorney paid for until many unfortunate circumstances arose. The Supreme Court appointed a Guardian Ad Litem to represent my son's best interest. Chandler’s father has his attorney. I feel like since the beginning of all of this, that my voice and pleas have not been heard. I have exercised every avenue of help and of being truthful in all of this. No matter how ugly my mistakes, I have owned them and worked on better. I truly don’t feel that I’m that horrible of a mom to be separated from Chandler.

Think of kindness instead of hate. Let’s not bash anyone because of hurt feelings. Let us keep Chandler in mind and how he will have to adjust in whatever the decision may be. I know there are cases that may or may not be similar to mine but we can lean on each other. We have a voice and we need to be our child's voice.

For more about this, I have written several pieces over time.

Please check out the following if you want to learn more about an innocent child and his mother being his voice.

Regarding the relationship read; It's Time To Change The Ending, A Letter To Me, Loving You Was Burying Me, Welcome Change, The Accident, My Addiction, and Tainted.

Letters to my son please read, My Dearest Son, My Everything, and Stronger Than I Knew.

If you want to read about my medical journey please read, Beautifully Broken.

I write from the heart. I write the truth. I write to help others and try to encourage positivity among all that is against you.