Forever Heartbroken Mom

Notes From: Forever Heartbroken Mom

Death came too soon, his death left me heartbroken and empty.

Diana was calling. She called and called again until I picked up. Her usual texts were not saying good morning or have a nice day. They say, “call me!” “call me, please call me.”

I picked up and denied every word she was saying to me. She was telling me my son was dead. She was telling me I would never see him again. She was telling me that someone we do not know had taken his life.

The drive was a blur. I pulled up to red and blue lights in his driveway. I could see the neighbor in tears and a man on the phone telling someone he was dead.

Walking to the door seemed to take me forever. Time stopped and I could not hear anyone even thought the lady in uniform signaled me to come her way.

She took me by the arm and walked me to the side looked right at me and asked if I was his mom. I nodded and she took a swallow, with what seemed motherly tears in her eyes and said the most terrible words I have ever heard.

“Your son was found dead this morning, ma’am.”

I just about fainted, and she grabbed me. The sidewalk curb was cold, but I was not falling anymore.

His father arrived, even though we are divorced, I could not hold myself back but to run to his arms.

The people in the blue uniforms came in and out of his house for what seemed a long time. Finally, one of them came to the back of the van and pulled out a gurney. It was a scary moment and I followed him.

The lady at the door stopped me from following him inside.

She assured me it was best to wait to see him in the gurney and not how they found him.

My heart just about sunk at the idea of seeing him. Seeing him meant everything was going to be true.

The waiting was driving me crazy. I could not take the silence and all the emotion was building up. Another call and another and the same “what happened?” questions.

The uniformed lady came and took me by the hand. She walked me to the gurney that was now in the living room. It was partly zipped up, but I could see his tall slim figure.

Seeing my boy lay there lifeless without a heartbeat in him was the most terrible thing I have ever experienced.

How do I say goodbye as a mother? How do I admit that my boy is gone forever?

His face was pale and cold. I put my hands on his face and tried so hard to make him come back to me. I could not hear myself, but I could feel the arms and hands holding me up.

When I think of him about him now, I laugh at his silliness, but I unavoidably cry.

No matter how strong I may seem, or how big an executive I have become, when I think of my son, it is tears and that emotion that I had never felt before.

As I stood there identifying his face, his features and even his hands, the feeling of emptiness came over me. I felt I was yelling, but I could not hear myself. I did not want anyone to touch him or come near him.

I felt the tug of others, but I could not hear anyone. My mouth was moving, and my tears were running, and I could not hear anyone or anything.

As I stared at his face, I wanted him to blink, to open his eyes from being asleep. I wanted to take him off that blue cold stretcher. I wanted to be the one on it!

He was there! not looking back at me. He was there! not taking his next breath. He was there! no talking back to me and not answering why this had happened.

The emotion was intense, my blood was on fire and I could feel the heat on my face. My hands shook and my heart pounded so hard.

It is hard how the emotions consumed me and all this emptiness that came right after the coroner asked that I identify the body that I once called my son.

I never knew what a loss was until I lost him, until I knew for a fact that I would never see him again.

As his faced was covered I felt I could faint as this meant it was true. It was true I would never see him again. It was true he was no longer with us.

How could someone take my son’s life and still be a human?

The stretcher rolled out away from me and my life crumbled. Everything I had said to him came to mind.

All the regret in the world of not calling him set in. I regretted everything I didn't say to him.

That minute seemed like a thousand years watching the gurney roll away.

As the doors to the coroner's van closed and the strangers in their blue uniforms took him, I knew only then that somehow, I failed.

I did not do enough. The loss set in and again I yelled but could not hear myself.

No matter how hard his father hugged me I could not feel it. I could not hear him and now I could not feel anything. Nothing!

His sister took my hand and we sat in complete silence while people came and went. I could not feel anything around me.

The lady in the blue uniform asked for one more signature. She sounded like she was ever so far. How could this even be possible?

We did everything right for him and his siblings, but now he is gone, and I will never share another memory with him.

I am forever in a dark place. How do I live with such emptiness at a loss of this human being I gave life to? Why did He take him from this world?

Could it be because he changed his mind and did not want to be my son anymore?

Didn't I try enough or was it because I pushed him too hard at times?

After 14 months, the holidays and special days are still a little bit of an agony. The agony of not seeing him walk in the door with a cup of my special coffee or that carnation bouquet just breaks my heart.

The thought of not holding him at the end of our visits still breaks my heart.

He always knew how to make me laugh. He always knew I did not want him to leave and now he is gone.

Forever Heartbroken Mom