Dear Author

Funerals are terrible places.

That's kind of the point.

I was curious if I could find another terrible advice column after the last one, so I read a few and I found one pretty quickly.

This one was about a woman who had been divorced for twenty years, her ex-husband was likely to die soon, and she was trying to make plans ahead of time about whether or not she should attend the funeral with her children. Her question was whether or not she should go to support her children (who are undoubtedly over twenty years old). Her current husband says no and our writer is torn in half.

The agony aunt responds that she should talk to her children about whether or not she should go and be guided by that as well as her family's needs. She recommends sending flowers. Then she signs off.

Yeah... That was weak.

When I read the letter, my impression was that the author wanted to attend the funeral. The man wasn't dead yet, but the writer had the funeral on her mind because she wanted to go, and she was hoping that the advice columnist would say, 'Manners dictate that you should absolutely attend your ex-husband's funeral. Not going would be horrific. Tell your current husband that you MUST attend!'

Except, no advice columnist would say that.

It is a little ghastly to want to attend your ex-husband's funeral and the writer confesses to an ugly divorce, so she wanted a third party to give her permission when her husband was withholding it.

But... That's probably the exact reason why she wants to go. She wants to put a cap on that part of her life. She's embarrassed that she needs a cap after twenty years, but depending on the pain endured during their marriage and divorce, attending the funeral could be the thing to give her any remaining closure she requires. That's actually the reason why we have funerals in the first place, so if she wants closure, that's the place to go. If it's an open casket, that's the best. If she can see his dead body, there's no finer bit of closure than that.

So, what are her obstacles?

First, I do think asking her children whether or not they want her or if they would be embarrassed or unhappy to have her with them at the funeral. They're adults, so that is a valid question, and their feelings should be considered, but it is not the only valid question.

Secondly, does her ex-husband have relatives or friends who would be extremely unhappy to have the ex-wife at the funeral? I'm not talking about a cool, curt nod when they see her. I'm talking about explosive drama. If our writer knows she will not be welcomed by the other mourners, that is a SERIOUS consideration that the agony aunt does not address. If she's worried about causing a ruckus, then the husband is right, she should not attend.

Third, is attending going to cause a division with her current husband? If so, maybe it's not worth it.

However, that doesn't mean that the need for closure shouldn't be honored. If our writer cannot attend the funeral, I would recommend making plans to visit the grave. Since our writer knows her ex-husband is sick, it will probably be easy to find out where he'll be buried. In which case, she should make plans to go there to see his tombstone and have a good old sit by it (right overtop of his dead body) and have a good chat with his tombstone about how he wronged her, but how all that is finally over.

Except, I think attending the funeral would be better. She might not get to see his dead body because he might have already been cremated, and if he's cremated, there might not be any grave to visit depending on his final wishes. The funeral is better. Listening to what the people closest to him have to say, whether it's easy to hear or not, would end things in her mind, like closing a door.

At the very least, she needed to find a way to tell her current husband that she doesn't want to go, she NEEDS to go. Like scratching an itch. Like running to the bathroom. Like going to the emergency room. It's to fix something inside of her that stayed broken when everyone thought she was healed on the outside. If it's going to make her and other people a little uncomfortable, that's okay. Slivers hurt when they're removed.

The agony aunt answered her writer like she was Miss Manners... who runs a marvelous advice column about etiquette. I love her.