Breast chance.

There were so many times I wanted to give up breastfeeding.

No one prepared me for how hard it was going to be. Not only is it draining on the body physically and mentally, but it can also be extremely challenging. I wanted to breastfeed exclusively, but my milk took a long time to come through. I decided I didn’t want to give up, so I continued to persevere, hand-expressing colostrum, then small amounts of milk, pumping, nipple shields, and feeding for what felt like around the clock. I was doing everything I could to give him what I never had.

When I was pregnant, I didn’t do enough research on breastfeeding, as admittedly, I was too focused on the birthing part. I had seen on social media and heard from a few people that breastfeeding was one of the most challenging things you can go through postpartum. Some part of me couldn’t help but think, how hard could it be?

I was very quickly humbled and soon discovered that getting the baby to latch with flat nipples took time. (Something I’d never even considered or acknowledged before having a baby.) However, my ‘silly’ nipples and naivety weren’t entirely to blame. The system had let me down before I’d even started.

At 37 weeks pregnant, I discussed with my midwife that I’d researched about colostrum collecting pre-baby. I mentioned that due to my gestational diabetes diagnosis, I knew that they were going to be monitoring my baby’s blood sugar levels, so I wanted to prepare. My midwife’s reply at the time was that she didn’t have any syringes for colostrum collecting and was unable to aid me with my request.

Once my baby was born, I remember being wheeled to the recovery room and a nurse just shoving him onto my breast. I was out of it and didn’t have a clue what was going on. No one had explained to me what they were doing. I wasn’t being guided, advised or anything remotely like that.

I tried breastfeeding my baby again once I was in the postnatal ward, but I was still struggling to do it. It was extremely frustrating and I felt like a failure for not being able to do something that appeared so natural. A few hours later, a doctor approached me and advised that I needed to feed my baby. I told her that I couldn’t establish breastfeeding. She then proceeded to tell me that I would need to give my baby formula. Reluctantly, I caved and fed him a 1oz bottle of formula.

The next day, a midwife came round to see me. I told her I was upset that I had to give my baby formula when I wanted to try at least establishing breastfeeding first. She said the baby didn’t need a lot of milk as his stomach was tiny from birth. I felt confused. Why did I have multiple doctors and nurses telling me to keep giving my baby formula every 3 hours throughout the night? The information was incredibly conflicting and distressing. The midwife arranged for a breastfeeding specialist midwife to come and see me. Later that day, I was shown how to hand-express colostrum for my son, and I felt so proud that my body was providing food for my baby. However, I still hadn’t been shown how to get the latch right and was left alone again to fend for myself. No one took the time to help me.

One week postpartum, I was well enough to look at my discharge notes. To my surprise, it said that breastfeeding had ‘been established’ upon discharge. I couldn’t believe that the hospital had fabricated false information like this.

I continued to struggle with latching my baby and was feeding for what felt like around the clock, not knowing if my baby was getting enough milk from me.

During this time, my sister had ordered me some nipple shields, which were a complete and utter lifesaver. It helped tremendously, and the baby was getting more milk from me. However, in my heart, I still didn’t know if I was doing it right.

I asked my cousin, an ABM Breastfeeding Peer Supporter, for advice. She was full of support and guidance and came over to show me how to latch my baby correctly. I could immediately see the difference.

However, once I was alone, my confidence quickly dwindled again.

I continued to feed my baby with a mixture of breastfeeding, expressing and formula. I refused to give up on breastfeeding, even when the nights were difficult and we were both awake at 3 am crying out of frustration. It was tiring, but I determined to hold on to those breastfed moments.

One day, at around 4 months old, my son stopped wanting to use the shields to feed. I couldn’t believe it. I never thought the day would come.

Fast forward to today, my son is now 6 months old, and we are still breastfeeding.

Unfortunately, the system is flawed when it comes to breastfeeding support. If someone had just taken the time to show me how to feed my baby correctly, then we would’ve gotten off to a much better start. However, I didn’t want to give it up because it was the only thing from my traumatic birth that I had some form of control over. I also couldn’t deny how much my baby needed it from me. We had created a special bond. He’d get excited when I fed him, and to me, it felt like the most natural thing on earth.