Breaking the Silence

When I found out I was pregnant I was beyond excited. I'm 33 years old and I have no children. My husband and I have tried on and off over the years for months at a time, without luck. I had started to wonder if I was able to have children at all. One day in September we decided to try, and just like that- we were pregnant.

I debated announcing. I was so excited, but then I thought about what people always say about waiting until you are further along just in case you have a miscarriage. I planned to wait, but excitement got the better of me, and we made our excitement public on Facebook. I even made a comment saying that I chose to announce early because I did not want to contribute to the stigma and silence surrounding pregnancy loss.

Excitement changed to concern when I started spotting. It wasn't really heavy and I wasn't having pain, maybe everything would be ok. Still, I made an appointment with my OB earlier than planned. At this point I was 6 weeks along, and my appointment was originally set for the 8 week mark.

Tests showed my Progesterone levels were low and the ultrasound showed nothing in my uterus. The doctor sent me to a radiology center the same day, and they also saw nothing. This began a series of ultrasounds in which eventually a yolk sack formed, but my pregnancy did not progress any further than that. I was told sometimes this happens, that it wasn't anything I did, and that there was no reason I could not go on to have a normal healthy pregnancy.

What happened with my pregnancy is referred to as a missed miscarriage. I had lost my baby, but for some reason my body did not pass the baby on its own. My doctor scheduled me to have a D&C procedure. My worst nightmare was coming true. I said I announced early so as not to add to the stigma around pregnancy loss- but part of me wished I hadn't announced. I wanted to just shrink into a ball and disappear.

I do not know how long it will take my broken heart to mend. Sometimes I feel fine, others I just find tears streaming down my face at random. My heart hurts and I mourn the loss of my child. I am trying to get back into my daily routine but finding the motivation to get things done is incredibly hard. I just keep thinking about how I should be making plans for my baby right now, but instead I'm grieving one of the biggest losses of my life.

I chose to talk about my experiences publically on Facebook, partially to break the silence, partially because I needed the support, and partially so I would not have to tell people more than once (hopefully) what had happened. People were very supportive, and encouraging. To my surprise, a fair amount of women I know reached out to me either publically or privately to tell me that they understood my pain because they had also lost a child. This really floored me because I had no idea how many people I knew had also experienced this. It made me feel like I wasn't so alone in my loss. It also made me sad to know that women keep this heartache so hush hush, that most of us dont even realize how common it is. That we aren't alone. That it's not our fault, sometimes this just happens.

I've chosen to tell my story and make it public for the world. If you're reading this and you've just experienced a miscarriage, or you have in the past-- you are not alone. You are not at fault. You are a beautiful woman and mother- and no one can ever take that away from you. Above all, I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope that your broken heart mends quickly and you are able to find some semblance of peace.