Autonomy is the Greatest Love of All

For most people, thinking about the influence your mother has had on you over the years would not be much of a challenge as I’m sure they would have a laundry list of great advisements their mothers have given them. Truthfully, I envied them. It’s not that my mother didn’t teach me anything, I just wish I had listened to her more. My mother has always been my rock, she was a pillar in my life and a true staple member of our family.

Growing up as an only child to a single mother, I realized from the very start that my upbringing and perception of the world was molded differently than most little girls my age. Out of all the things you can teach a child, she taught me something most kids don’t learn until they’re adults. She taught me how to be independent. Yes achieving independence has been an ongoing theme in my life, but more importantly I’m talking about autonomy. From day one my mother taught me how to think for myself and the upmost importance of being my own woman in every right. She was the type of woman that did not take any mess from anyone, especially from men. I’ve always found this interesting because at the time I really didn’t know much about the opposite sex nor did I truly understand intimacy between men and women. One thing I did know was that not all men were nice. Luckily for me this didn’t occur often but it did happen from time to time. What I do remember the most is how her mini lessons of be your own woman has come into fruition in my life.

This lesson has carried with me through my dating years as a teenage girl and well into my early twenties. I remember just going on dates with various young men and having this feeling of something being off. It usually occurred after I express my opinions about something or another. The conversations would experience a cosmic shift and before the evening was over I would be friend zoned. There is something about women expressing themselves that seemed to turn men off, or maybe this energy was especially reserved for me. A distinct memory for me was when this guy I once dated in college told me that I was too independent simply because I knew what I wanted. Even though we were merely talking about where we were going for lunch, deep down I knew what he meant. “Do you always have to be so assertive in everything?” I was taken back by the exchange in our conversation because I had such a hard time understanding the complex dynamic. Men always vocalize the fear of being with a gold digger and state that they want an independent woman, but when they do come across these independent women they go ghost. It’s like watching a dog chase a moving car, what happens when the dog finally catches the car?

The feelings and remembering instinctively that if you knew yourself people feared you, people would not like you is a strong memory that I carry with me. I’ve seen the way people react to me when I keep it too real and believe me it’s not pretty. Not to sound like a narcissist but I take pride in knowing myself and continuing to learn more about myself daily. Because my mother made such a big deal in making sure I know who I am and as she would phrase it, knowing what your about, I feel comfortable in making decisions be it good or bad, going anywhere alone, sitting alone in public, you name it. My point is that by understanding autonomy at an early age it teaches girls how to be comfortable with themselves even if they come across as “too strong or too independent”. It is 2021 and society still has a way of showing the remnants of the old guard, where women and girls are almost expected to be seen and not heard. I’m so happy and grateful to be able to have this life lesson. I’m grateful to be able to raise my future daughters in such a way because I can speak to the truth behind it. Thank you mom.