A Martian Raised on Venus

A Man Raised on Mars

Have you ever heard the term, “Women are from Venus and men are from Mars.” If you haven't, it is a saying that originated from the title of a book from John Gray in 1992.

Gray’s premise was that men and women share different emotional requirements. I have found this statement to be very accurate in the short twenty-eight years that I have been alive. From a societal perspective and expectation to first hand experience with dealing with people on a daily basis for most of my adult life. I have always found myself to be very observant and fascinated by the way people act. From their reactions to certain things to simple mannerisms at specific moments. For the most part we as humans are very predictable and many stereotypes have been created based on many different variables, but I want to focus on those based on the gender of a person.

For example, one day I was listening to a podcast and the host was detailing the miscommunication that happens between men and women because of the difference in the way we communicate. They stated that a man can be in the room with another person having a conversation never making eye contact, but still retain all of the information that was covered. Whereas a woman needs to feel as though you are listening, by the small gesture of eye contact as well communication confirmations like head nods and short replies.

Another example was a moment that someone was noting the difference in men and women in their thought processes. The person stated that a man can have moments in which they are literally thinking about nothing. Almost as if they can turn their brain off and not a single thought will pass through their head. Whereas women do not have this ability. That they were always on the move mentally and always thinking of something and most of the time it was more than one thing that was playing in their mind.

These revelations caused me some concerns as I knew that I was an exception to these statements. I began to dig deeper and realize that there were so many more of these stereotypes or rules that I did not fit into. I always knew I felt different in a lot of ways, but this took me to a whole nother level. I mean can you blame me? I was questioning my “manhood”. I became obsessed with studying people and the way they acted. I wanted to know if this type of thing was accurate or if it was simply an observation based on the study of a small group of people. For the most part it was pretty accurate.

After studying people for a while and building a new interest to find out more about myself. I found that there were many areas in my life in which I was different from other men. This was terrifying because if I noticed then there was no doubt that others noticed as well and I didnt want to be considered less than a man. I began looking for what could have caused me to be different. Why was I the exception to all of these rules? I had to find out.

It was in this search for my identity that I came across the saying, “Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars.” I began to wonder what would happen to a man that was, “raised on Mars?” If I haven’t completely lost you by now what I mean is a man that was raised in a household with all women or for some a majority of women. Let me be clear I never questioned my sexuality based on these assumptions. I simply questioned the amount or lack thereof of my manhood.

I had always expected that you are a product of your environment. I noticed this when I became a PE teacher and coach because I would see a bunch of different types of kids that would be mirrors of their parents. For example, there was a kid whose parents were extremely athletic and made sure to incorporate their child in their love for sports. As you can imagine, that child was head and shoulders more athletically inclined than the rest of the kids. He may not have been the most athletic, but sports came naturally

to him and his IQ was outrageous. Then you have another kid whose parents were supportive and never missed a game, but they preferred mcdonalds everyday and video games over sports. This child was the most athletic kid in the room, but was not acquainted with sports in any way and was far behind the others in terms of ability and IQ. I say this because we are all a product of our environment. Yes, we can break those habits and learn new ways to think and accomplish things, but it takes time and discipline. So just like those kids that I had coached I was a product of my environment. A Man Raised on Mars.

I always found it really easy to communicate, listen and even actively listen with my eyes and responses. I have even asked the question, “Do I have, “talk to me,” written on my forehead?” It doesn't matter where I go or how long I'm there. I always find someone who wants to tell me their life story. Yeah, I get it might have something to do with the kindness in my heart, but I am convinced that It is mainly an effect of possessing female-like communication characteristics. I have always been an effective communicator and empathetic person. These are traits that men are not always considered to have.

I'm sure you are wondering how this impacted my dating life. Well let's put it this way. I did date a few times, but for the most part I was always friendzoned. I was the guy that was willing to listen and people felt safe communicating and crying too. This created many problems in terms of setting expectations because I was the “best friend” even though I went into the situation wanting to make something more of it. I could not figure out how to escape this and began to hate the way that I was. I wanted to be more “manly” and didn’t know how.

You see the term manly was a societal standard that I was trying to obtain. I wanted to be the “man” that everyone else had defined. You know they never cry, douchebag, can’t communicate, don't understand feelings and emotions. Yeah, that man. See I had many traits that I am proud of like my ability to lead naturally, I have a presence about me that garners attention, I can convince people to buy into any vision, I am a natural

motivator, and great speaker. I just communicated and dealt with emotions how I had seen on my “mars”.

For most of my life this has been a problem. It was until I stopped looking at this as a handicap and started embracing my ability to communicate like a martian. I began using this ability in every aspect of my life and eventually learned to balance this martian trait with my venus traits and it has almost become a superpower. I am extremely grateful for this gift God has given me and now that I know I am not less than in terms of being a man. I want to help other young men understand and navigate being raised on Mars.

This took a huge toll on my self esteem and confidence and I don't want any other young men to have to grow up lacking either. We live in a cruel world that will alienate them or bully them and it's not fair. If they would just take a moment and realize that they have an advantage over other “men” because communication is essential to literally every part of life. Also, realizing that they are not less than a man just because society paints this picture of masculinity.