10 ways to complement your spouse which are empowering for you too

In a more modern way of speaking, compliments aren’t just for pleasing. They certainly can foster a relationship forward, but a relationship only moves forward if you’re moving forward in it too. So, make sure that the way you compliment is empowering for you too, and notice the change it creates!

How?

Juliette Karaman, a relationship coach, says that the most essential relationship you can have is with yourself. In her coaching programs, she gives us some hints on how to make the most of our relationships, taking preference on the best relationship you will ever have: the relationship with yourself.

She sees any communication as a way to deepen intimacy. Compliments should feel pleasurable for yourself and are a way to build connections. Ultimately isn’t that what we are all seeking? To be seen, heard, and understood!

Let’s break it down:

Compliment on a quality that they have. You can see this in them, and mirror it back to them because you have that quality too!

Instead of thanking and complimenting them for being thoughtful, you could say:! “ Thank you for making the bed today, you know how I value a tidy bedroom, I love how thoughtful you are and remember these little things. I feel very loved.”

Thanking them to do household chores might often be overlooked because they share that responsibility with you, yet acknowledging how it has you feel is key as is complimenting how they do it.

Praising a skill.

Following on the chores, what you can do instead if you like how they do something, is compliment the skill,

Look at the following examples: “Look how well you folded the laundry today”! (this might be interpreted as passive-aggressive if they do not fold the laundry much or the way you like it and backfire.) VS “ I appreciate the way we share household chores, and when I reach for a towel, I am reminded of how you fold them and put them away”.

They both are complementary yet there is a distinct difference in how they are received.

Also, the intention matters! If you say it with the intention of your partner folding the laundry more often, it’s not genuine. Plus, it is not empowering for you either, because you are indirectly asking for something that might not even be noticed by the other person!

When we acknowledge the skill and the way it has us feel, we don’t people-please. No one can make us feel anything. Their actions can have us feel a certain way. We empower ourselves both by taking back power and by showing that we are truly capable of admiring qualities in the people we love and the emotion it brings up in us. Furthermore, it means we are capable of appreciating our skills too.

Acknowledging efforts.

This can be tricky again; if you compliment efforts with the intention of the other person putting more effort into a certain task, then you are not genuinely open to appreciating this person’s work to improve in a certain area.

To appreciate an effort means to acknowledge a person’s intention of going in a certain direction. You acknowledge that effort is important. Yours too!

“I appreciate your efforts in having our journey to your parents be so smooth.”

Boost self-esteem.

When you try to compliment the other person on appearance or traits of character, there is a chance that you generate a dependency on those compliments. Even further: the other person can feel that your opinion is more valuable. then their sense of self-esteem.

So, an empowering way to compliment on appearance would be saying things like:” You look great in that shirt you are wearing for your presentation, it brings out your eyes and you look so at ease being in a powerful role.”

Or: “I’m so proud of how you helped that girl today and showed her where she could tweak her CV to be even more potent.”I think I’ll join the parent group to see how I can help too!”

Compliments on energy.

Pretty much the same happens with comments on traits of character or energy. Saying “Your bravery inspires me to…” as you reflect on your bravery too!

Same thing about kindness, or even vibes!

“The kindness you show to your staff shows in how happy they are to come to work.”

You can even use photographs to comment on a person’s vibe. This also makes it something that can be adjusted, instead of fixed!

Mood empowerment.

“You’re uplifting!”

“Your mood inspires me!”

”Thank you for making me happier today” vs “Being with you today, has me feel happy and inspired to try new things.”

Can you tell the difference?

The first way of complimenting is by complimenting an action. Someone else uplifts you.

The second is inspiring you to change your mood into a better one.

The third one is thanking a person who has done something (we don’t know exactly what: if just being there, taking an action, etc.) Look at the differences in example 3:

Which one is more codependent? And which is the least? Can you guess? Which one feels more empowering to both of you?? Which one says something more specific?

Social life handling.

Sometimes we might want to lead a more socially active life and we don’t know how to do it. We see that our partners do it, and we like that.

To say “I am inspired by how you organized your last lunch and the ease with which you intermingled with everyone”, means that you can also feel empowered to get your own social life with friends pumped up!

Or say: “That family lunch was memorable and so connective”. And look at the pics together!

Things you do as a couple that I appreciate.

Acknowledging that your needs got met in a certain situation is uplifting to both of you. First, it’s not codependent because it is in a CERTAIN situation: so that can easily change another time. Second, it’s some context where you were both aware of your needs at that moment.

“I love how we schedule a date in the morning every week and create time for us away from the kids and the busyness of life. It has me reconnect to who we are as a couple.”

Also, you can congratulate positive things that you believe your relationship brings to your life today: fun and a sense of calmness. Again if you tie that to a time-frame it is not codependent because tomorrow, that can change again if you both agree to that. Or it can be repeated!

“Thank you for letting me vent when I got off the phone call with my mother yesterday. I felt so supported and safe.”

Showing gratitude is one of the most uplifting things that we can do. Show gratitude for the person's support and encouragement, acknowledging the positive influence they have had in your life.

“I am grateful that we can discuss emotional subjects with each other with curiosity and compassion. I feel that even if we have not come to a solution, we have solved how we feel about it.”

You can also compliment the person on the growth and progress you've witnessed in your relationship, acknowledging the positive changes and shared experiences.

Family members.

“I love spending time with your nephew doing X activity, it makes us feel very connected.

That would be a nice way to say you enjoyed your time together. Again, that can repeat or not repeat, but it's an empowering way for both of you to feel grateful!

You can also compliment the person on the growth and progress you've witnessed in your relationship, acknowledging the positive changes and shared experiences.

Or, you can highlight some of their skills and efforts too.

“I feel like we are a team when you unload the dishwasher in the morning, thank you, I appreciate it.”

Parenthood styles.

The same goes for parenting styles. If you have kids, you might like some things that your partner does with them. Again, it is not about having the intention for them to repeat that.

It’s just about respect and admiration for how good a parent they are. For example:

“I admire how you handled Lizzie’s friendship problem yesterday, you put her at ease in no time.”

This has both him and yourself reflect on what good parenting means to you!

Again, for Juliette, the most important thing when we compliment is that we create a connection and take pleasure in saying what we’re saying! Because in the end, this is the only thing that can support the mutual growth of a couple.