I'm not afraid to be such a "tough" girl

It's not that I don't want to be spoiled, it's that I'm afraid of disappointment.

It's not that you don't want to be spoiled, it's that you lack objects.

In February 2014, I pulled my suitcase and took the car to Anhui to record "Super Speaker". I was delighted to sit on the high-speed train. During this trip, I was a passer-by without any burden, a relaxed bystander, and a stranger who was full of expectations. As long as I earnestly experience the thrills and surprises, I will go back to school and live a serious life of "human appearance".

At that time, I must not have imagined the embarrassment and entanglement that happened later.

After arriving in Anhui, I was placed in a hotel and stayed for three days before it was my turn to record. There were more than 60 players in the first round of recording. The daily process was to start recording at around 3:00 pm and continue to record until 11:00 in the middle of the night, sometimes even later. Come to the rehearsal.

The process of waiting is only unbearable loneliness and anxiety. I always feel very hungry, but have no appetite. For three nights, I was almost insomnia, I don't know why I was nervous, but my heartbeat would suddenly speed up, my palms were sweaty, and I disliked myself very much.

I have never seen such a grand occasion in my life. In front of the cameras, the lights, and the three hundred live audiences and the four mentors that can only be seen on TV, if I wasn't nervous, I'd be a ghost.

I seem to have spent all my life's nervousness on the first round of Super Orator.

Nervousness is not the most unbearable.

What was unbearable was that after I introduced myself, I tried to relieve the low pressure on the stage and mentioned the text message I received from my friend on the way here in the morning.

A friend said: If you are nervous, treat the audience under the stage as radishes.

Combined with the current tension, I said: After all, I can't treat the audience as a radish, without a radish, it will move.

The instructor immediately answered: Do you mean that you don't want the audience to interact with you?

If the previous anxiety has drawn all my thoughts into a thin and tight string, then at this moment, the string is finally broken, my thoughts are not connected up and down, and I am in complete confusion, how should I answer? In fact, it was just a small joke. After all, the content of the speech that follows is fun. My experience tells me that a person who is uncomfortable or in a nervous mood can never be funny. I just want to relax.

If I answer: No, no, I don't mean that, it seems too. . .

I can't answer that, either. Because that's not what I meant!

I didn't think of any other way to answer at all.

I was speechless, no, I didn't mean that.

I feel frustrated that this is not a good sign.

It's like in your life, before you go out, you casually joke with your good friends and say "Oh, my hair is as ugly as a dog today. He asks you seriously, do you mean you don't want to go out with me?"

How can people on stage not expect an interactive response from the audience? This rhetorical question made me nervous and unable to respond.

After that, the speech process was completely mechanized. I had already memorized the manuscript by heart, and the audience had a dismal response. It wasn't until the last minute that the instructor turned around, and when I heard a bang, I knew I was safe. At this time, I heard someone ask me in a trance, did you make a surprised expression because you thought all three mentors photographed you?

I did mistakenly believe that all three mentors filmed me, but like a girl who mistakenly thought someone had a crush on me, I was embarrassed to admit to being self-indulgent.

In our daily life, we rarely directly expose this embarrassment. If I was asked this on this stage, if I didn't admit it, others would probably say that I wasn't frank enough.

I forgot how I answered it.

At that moment I almost gave up on the game inside.

I found that it was so difficult, that everything was out of my control, and I couldn't imagine what would happen. I'm not witty enough, not confident enough, I'm actually a very talkative person, and when bad situations happen, I can't even show enough reason and composure.

Finally, the instructor asked me, do you hate them for not choosing you for the other two?

Then, I was crying like a mess, and I let out the last breath of infuriating I held on my chest and said harshly: I will make you regret it.

No one knows what will happen next, maybe I will be powerless in the next defeat, and it will end bleak. I didn't even think about whether I had that kind of strength to regret. Self-esteem jumped out without the permission of the brain, defending such an unwilling to admit defeat.

After I stepped down from the stage, I cried in the corridor of the TV station until my hands and feet became weak. I turned off my mobile phone and avoided the crowd. I just sat in the corridor and cried. When I had enough, I patted the soil on my body and went to eat.

Later, many people noticed the phrase "I will make you regret it", including my friend L.

L called me specifically after seeing it, and scolded me, saying why are you so stubborn, and when you see it through, you won't cover your eyes and stomp your feet and say, "Teacher, don't you puncture me?"

I said, how do you respond to the phrase "did you hate them"?

L said, turn the phrase "I will make you regret it" when you cry into a coquettish "I will make you fall in love with me".

To her I am convinced.

I envy those girls who are soft and can beg for help at any time. With their tenderness, they can solve the problem that weighs thousands of pounds.

But I have never been coquettish or weak since I was a child.