Getting Legless With Drunk Aliens - Editing A Winning Poem

For this entry into the Self-Editing Epiphany, I wanted to do something a little strange. It’s easy, in some ways, to look back at pieces we know were flawed because they didn’t get well received or didn’t place in a challenge or competition. But what about those pieces that did have success—ones that not only placed in a challenge but came first place? Could any editing, especially with time passed and experience gained since the piece was published, improve upon a winning poem?

That is what I am going to explore in this critique. I’ve picked out my first-place winning entry for the Extraterrestrial Challenge on Vocal, Tektal’s Around the World Drinking Session!, and I’ll try to figure out what, if anything, could be changed to make it even better.

The Original Poem

First of all, here is a link to the original piece (if you haven’t read it yet, I’d appreciate the read, comment, like—whatever). If you have already read it, here it is below:

Yer an alien, is tha’ right, pal?

Did yee say yer name wis, Tektal?

Welcome, welcome, come right in

Tell me all aboot yer alien kin

Do yee like tae huv a swallae?

Yee ken... drinky drink, a bevvy?

Whit wid yee like tae start wae?

Ah think I'll git oot the whisky

Not on the rocks, or wae water

Drink it neat, as it hits better

Then we'll have a pint or three

Sum Belhaven, Guinness, and Tetley

Across the Channel there's wine

Chianti and Pinot Grigio are fine

Have a big glass of strong brandy

Take the edge off with a wee shandy

We call this drink mother’s ruin

It’s gin o’clock, you’ll be wasted soon

Next, let's drink some fiery liqueurs

Sambuca, Ouzo, Raki, and Apple Sourz

Followed by Good Ol’ American wine

Beer, bourbon, and dodgy Moonshine

Southwards next for some Tequila

Then to stay healathy, kombucha

Maybe a Pisco Sour, Mezcal or four

Bouhka, Grogue, Bundy, and lots more

Let's not forget a stiff Russian vodka

Then maybe some sweet Medovukha

Before downing some strong sake

Take a bottle or two, on the way

Back hame tae yer wife and kids

Bon voyage, my dear pal, I bids

Reflections on the Original

The prompt was simple: Extraterrestrial—write a rhyming poem about the first thing you would introduce to an alien on Earth. I was initially grumpy about this because I don’t like writing rhyming poems. That’s not strictly true—I don’t like forcing rhymes when, without them, you can have a more natural and interesting piece.

But never one to back down from a challenge, and as a great lover of all things sci-fi, aliens, and X-Files, I decided to put my thinking hat on.

This poem still makes me smile, not only because it came first place but because it’s irreverent and plays on the classic "Scots like a drink" generalization/stereotype. Ironically, out of the three entries I submitted to the challenge, this was the one I thought stood the least chance of winning. I actually thought I had a better shot with a different entry, namely, this one, Extraterrestrial With an Extra-Testicle—so make of that what you will. I was wrong in a big way.

The idea was simple: write a Scottish-Glaswegian-tinged poem about a bender with an alien, incorporating drinks from as many countries and continents as possible. Considering how simple the piece actually is, a lot of effort went into researching the best alcoholic beverages to ensure Earth was suitably represented.

Also, anyone who remembers E.T. will recall how hilarious it was when he got drunk. That was in my mind as I wrote this.

When tackling a challenge piece, I always ask myself, How can I make this stand out from the thousands of others? Leaning into Scottish slang was my answer. There aren’t many Scots on Vocal, so it felt like it might make the poem unique.

Of course, you can’t rely on gimmicks alone—everything else had to be tight, too.

One of the funny things was the name Tektal. It actually came about because I needed a name to rhyme with pal. So there you go—insight into how a legend was born, ha!

(Although, of course, I’m just blowing smoke up your arses—Tektal is completely real, and this was all based on a very true story.)

The Revised Version

I've looked at this poem a lot over the two years since it won, and while I don’t think it’s perfect (I’d never say that about anything, really), I feel it’s as perfect as it could be.

However, for the purposes of this critique, I’ve made a few edits—tightening up unnecessary words and leaning into the Scottish slang even more and also giving more character to mah pal, Tektal. There was also a whopping typo in the original where 'healathy" should have been "healthy". Here’s the revised version:

Yer an alien, is tha’ right, pal?

Did ye say yer name wis, Tektal?

Welcome, welcome, come right in

Tell me a’ aboot yer alien kin

Do yee like tae huv a swallae?

Yee ken... a drinky drink, bevvy?

Whit dae yee wantae start wae?

Ah think ah’ll git oot the whisky

No on the rocks, or wae water

Drink it neat, it hits better

Then we'll huv a pint or three

Sum Belhaven, Guinness an’ Tetley

Across the Channel there’s wine

Chianti an’ Pinot Grigio are fine

Huv a big glass of strong brandy

Take the edge aff wae a wee shandy

We call this drink 'mother’s ruin'

It’s gin o’clock, ye’ll be wasted soon

Next, let’s drink sum fiery liqueurs

Sambuca, Ouzo, Raki an’ Apple Sourz

Followed by Good Ol’ American wine

Beer, bourbon an’ dodgy Moonshine

Doon South next fir some Tequila

Then tae stay healthy, kombucha

Mibbe a Pisco Sour, Mezcal or four

Bouhka, Grogue, Bundy an’ lots more

Let’s no forget a stiff Russian vodka

Then mibbe sum sweet Medovukha

Look at the state of ye in the mirror

Yer now officially mah steamin’ brother

Mind how ye go, mah drunken pal

If yer no’ careful, ye might fall

Before downing sum strong sake

Take a bottle or two, oan the wae

Ye came to Earth a sober wee chap

Now yer legless, Tektal, aff yer nap

Mind how ye go, an’ dinnae get caught—

Drunken alien pilots, whit a wild thought

Back hame tae yer wife an’ kids

Bon voyage, mah dear pal, ah bids

Final Thoughts

This revision reinforced something important for me. Sometimes the best writing isn’t the most elegant—it’s the one that makes you laugh and sticks with you.

Letting go of over-perfection and trusting a bold, playful idea can lead to surprising success. Cheers to that—and to drunk aliens everywhere!

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Thanks for reading!