Critique Request: The Fight in the Dog

It was almost exactly a year ago that Vocal held the New Worlds challenge, where we were bid to write the first chapter of a science fiction novel. This was my submission:

I didn’t place in that challenge, but I fell quite in love with my entry. I truly do want to flesh it out into a full novel — I’ve got a fairly complete outline that I’m pleased with; I know exactly what I want it to say theme-wise, and have a fair amount of plot mapped out. I actually used this story as the focus of my first time trying NaNoWriMo last year, but… well, let’s just say that burnout is very real.

I’ve been trying to get back in the saddle recently, however. I keep coming back to this story, and I was hoping to use this lovely new Critique community get some feedback on it.

I’ve got some specific areas that might be a good jumping-off point, but I’d love to hear any and all feedback: even something as vague as “I don’t like the middle bit” is potentially useful. I recently read Murakami Haruki’s Novelist as a Vocation, and he mentions something to the effect of proofreaders being always correct at identifying something that doesn’t work (he goes on to say they are rarely correct as to why, but let’s ignore that for now. Anyway I’m no Murakami).

Without further ado, here are my specific points of inquiry:

- The story has, by design, a very strong voice.

What do you think of it? Is it too much? Is this voice evenly-applied (i.e: does it drop in and out)?

- There are parts written in bold.

What was your first reaction when the switch occurred? What do you think is happening? Does this artifice bring you out of the narrative?

- Probably the most common criticism I receive in my writing is a lack of characterization.

I think that’s fair, but often because it’s part of the story, or simply not important to it. This, however, is very character driven, and as a result I’m worried I’m up to the task. What do you think of this character and how she is depicted in the narrative?

- I am quite aggressively anti-comma.

…that’s it. Sorry, there are no questions here. I am aggressively anti-comma. I am comfortable with this. You can try telling me to use more but I won’t.

Also, some bonus questions for those of you who have finished a long-form piece of writing to your satisfaction:

• Did you start at the beginning and follow the narrative through to the end, or did you jump around when writing chapters?
• How much of an outline did you have? How well did you know the ending?
• Did you edit as you went along? If so, how thoroughly?

Really looking forward to hearing answers to these! I would appreciate it if you put them in the comments of this article rather than in the chapter of the story itself, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t.

I do want to be very clear and up-front here: I’m an adult who’s put a piece of writing in a public forum, and I’m publicly asking for critique. You can be direct. You can be blunt. You don’t need to worry about my feelings; I’ll be alright. It can feel cruel to critique a person’s work very directly, but I prefer the bitter medicine.

Thanks in advance for any insights! I really appreciate anything you might offer up.