I need some critique and feedback on an old poem; looking to enter for publication soon!
Don't hold back!
About the Creator
Jazzy
Follow on IG @booksbyjaz
Head of the Jazzy Writers Association (JWA) in partnership with the Vocal HWA chapter.
Doctor Who: Fans Not Happy.
Doctor Who is either something you like or not. If you don't like it then you will never really understand the stories. If you like it in sci-fi terms its been the best thing since sliced bread (although some Trekkies might disagree). The Doctor with two hearts is a time-space travelling alien. His race is humanoid and their home world is the planet Gallifrey. The Time Lords the Doctor's people, are masters of space and time, hence their name. The Doctor though when it comes to his people has always been a bit of a maverick and loner. Much, to the displeasure of his people. His greatest enemy known as 'The Master' is also a renegade Time Lord who as opposed to the Doctor goes around the universe causing nothing but mayhem. Two of the Doctor's greatest enemies are the Cybermen and the Daleks.
By Nicholas Bishop4 days ago in Critique
Comments (7)
Beautiful cat
Awww, Pancake is so adorable! Please say hi to him for me! I've read your poem and left you a comment there. I loved it so much!
I'll give some comments, though some may be my personal preference/style so may not fit at all what you're trying to do; First of all, I like the style and content and sentimentality of this... but you want suggestions. I would retitle as "Coffee for your Heart" or "Extra Cup". For me, it needs a slightly stronger start. Just 3 or 4 lines (could be interleaved throughout, I think, if you want). I want to hear about the non-coffee lovable qualities of the unknown guest, perhaps, and then go into how happy you are that you can bond over coffee. Almost with a tone "is it silly of me that when I think of you I think of coffee? but this is why...." I also recommend shorter lines and tighter phrasings to find that comfortable balance between your almost conversational style and something with a little more rhythm that clearly feels more poemsy. There's some room for creative line-breaking if you want to emphasize certain phrases. Just some thoughts 💙💙Anneliese
Incredible job, it is a Sweet piece and I'm actually drinking coffee ☕Right now😁👍📝💖
I love the concept of the extra empty cup. Your poem is as casual as slowly preparing and enjoying coffee. I think eliminating as many conjunctions, adverbs, and determiners like (and, what, so) as fillers would lift your intent. Verbs - grinding, stimulating, swirling, dancing around my cup . The last line of thought is wonderful, How could you modify to make more emotive. This poem has undercurrents of emotions How can you release them? Example: “And now I still make coffee”. Could be something like — Coffee has awakened me again. Hope this helps somehow. Scott
Hey Jazzy! You've always been so supportive of my work, so I'd love to help! Here are my thoughts: - I would structure each line so it's organized into stanzas (I usually do 4 lines per stanza). For the poem's "rhythm" (known as iambic pentameter) I would also try to make each line roughly the same number of syllables or words so it flows from one to the text. - It also seems like some lines rhyme with each other, but others don't. I would lock in a rhyme scheme that stays consistent throughout. So, the last word in every line could rhyme, or only every other line, etc. - I also use an asterisk (*) to put space between stanzas, which I think looks nice. As an example, here's a poem I did recently: https://vocal.media/poets/broken-pieces-oa1ma0t9w - I love the word choice though. As always you convey a ton of emotion in your writing, and you've once again stuck the landing here. It's a beautiful concept for a poem, hopefully the feedback helps!
omg well...I don't usually love critiquing but...because Pancake asked, I guess I have to try😂💕