Secrets

Tears streamed down my face as I kneeled over the bedside of the man that I loved. Every breath he took, I feared, would be his last. I begged the doctors to be there with him. They insisted I stayed home because the disease was deadly, contagious, and there was nothing I could do. But I promised him I would be there to do his one last request.

I grabbed his hand with my nylon gloved hand, and I squeezed it as if to say I’m here. Zae slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. He attempted to smile, but the muscles of his face were too weak. He slowly lifted his hand from mine and pointed. I looked in the direction of the frail, pointed finger and saw a backpack.

I walked towards the backpack. Then I heard the line go flat. He was gone.

***

My love’s memorial service had come and gone. It all seemed so surreal. I kept expecting to get a call, text, or to hear the keys jingling in the door. But he never came. As I lay in the bed sprawled out like roadkill, I remembered the last conversation we’d had.

“You promise you’ll read it?” he’d asked.

“Why are you talking like this? You’re going to be okay.” I responded.

He grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes as if his stare would pierce my soul to death. “Do you promise?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever, I’ll read your little black book if you don’t make it, but you will make it.”

His dying from this virus had seemed inevitable at the time, yet now, here I was living in the inevitable — a nightmare.

I slowly rolled over to the side of the bed and sat up, looking at the backpack in the corner that had sat there for three months. I placed it there the day I returned from the hospital. It was a constant reminder of the thing I had lost—yet my refusal to open it kept one small ounce of hope that maybe he had been here all along and he was not gone. This mad logic was the same reason I left his soap in the shower, his toothbrush on the sink, and his clothes neatly arranged on his side of the closet.

I willed myself to go to the bag and open it. There it was, in all its leathery glory, staring back at me---his black notebook.

I reached out to touch it, and at that moment, our entire life flashed before my eyes like an electric shock. I fell, landing flat on my back.

“Shoot!” I groaned.

“What the hell?”

I attempted to grab the book again and ended with the same result. This went on about four times, but on the fifth attempt, I did not let go despite the images that flashed across my mind.

I looked down at the book in a surprising horror—-what juju had Zae put on it? If this resulted from touching it, what would happen when I opened it?

I held the notebook in my hands for what seemed like forever, staring down at it—you may think I’m crazy, but it was as if it was staring back at me. We sat in silence, peering at one another, examining each other, wondering what would happen next.

I gripped the book a little harder and braced myself for what was to come when I opened it.

Swoosh was the sound the paper made as it flew open, but nothing else happened.

Okay, all was back to normal. I stood up from the place I had been sitting on the floor and went back to my bed.

Account Number: 55341257

Routing Number: 200444515

Maya, if you’re reading this—that means I’m no longer here—well, not in the physical sense, anyway; but technically, I will always be HERE because no one can ever kill a soul.

Tears welled into my eyes. This was typical Zae, always rambling on about nonsense that no one else cared about. He never cared if people were uninterested in his choice of topic—he would always keep going.

So I always knew this day would come—it comes for everyone some sooner than others—but nonetheless, life in the physical sense is not infinite. I always told you I fell in love with you the day I saw you, and you would always respond that it was not possible. But it is Maya; it is. I am writing this entry on 09/15/09, and if you remember—which you probably don’t — this is the day that we met. I just saw you hop on the elevator in Phylis Hall. You had on skinny jeans, pink tom shoes, a fitted black shirt with a tan vest, and a pink scarf wrapped around your neck. Your hair was slicked into a nice big puff, and you wore big silver hooped earrings.

I pause and catch my breath. My eyes are clouded with tears. He was always so observant.

Maya, I love you. You made a promise to me. Please, Maya, keep that promise.

The entry ends. I flip to the next page, but it is empty, and the next, empty, and then the next, empty. Finally, I get to the last page of his empty journal.

Twenty-Thousand dollars are in the account. Use this money for your travels and enjoyment. Go back to where it all started.

P.S. Don’t forget to bring my journal.

The next day, I found myself in the air traveling to Angelou University—where it all started. I was never one to believe in anything supernatural or superstitious, but there was something about that book that made me feel as if I could bring Zae back—or at least feel closer to him.

I checked in to the best hotel that Angelou City offered, dropped my bags off, and went to the bench outside of Phylis Hall—the place of our first date. I sat watching students walk back and forth. The breeze was chill yet comfortable, and there was something serene about hearing the crunch of autumn leaves succumb to the shoes of the passerby.

I opened the journal.

10/01/09—Maya, this was our first date.

My world spins, and queasiness fills my stomach. The next thing I know, Zae is sitting beside me with his short fro and big brown eyes gazing into mine. I look down at my hands—my wedding band is not there. I fill my hair, and it is no longer pressed out but slicked into a high puff.

“Don’t be afraid,” Zae says as he grabs my hand.

I quickly pull my hand out of his grip.

“What is this?” I ask.

“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we are together.”

His perfect white teeth gleam as he smiles at me sleazily like he always used to do. The glistening of the autumn sun against his ebony skin makes him look angelic—and I am weakened. I give in to the illusion.

We reminisce about our time at AU.

“Mannnn! I still don’t know how you pulled it. Picking up a fly thick chick like me.” I say, laughing.

“Well, you know, I had game.”

“Game? Where?!”

We both burst into laughter. Then he gets quiet. I look over at him-—he stares straight ahead—no laughter left on his face. He looks at me, and his eyes appear to be almost completely black for a millisecond, then return to normal.

“Are you going to keep reading?” he asks.

I look down and see the black notebook sitting on my lap—I had forgotten about it. I look back up to respond, but he is gone, and everything is back as it was before.

Maya, I enjoyed our conversation. I always wanted to take you to ST. Francine. Go there and buy the most expensive meal on the menu. Enjoy yourself.

P.S. Don’t forget to take the notebook.

Although it irks me, I purchase the most expensive meal on the menu—eight hundred and seven dollars for a small piece of smothered steak with a salad.

I open the journal, expecting to see Zae’s handwriting again, but nothing. I leave the restaurant and return to the hotel. As I lay in the bed, I decide to open the journal again. My heart leaps when I see Zae’s word.

Go to where we made it forever official.

The next day I go to Spirit Tower—the place where we said our forever vows.

07/03/10

To love and to cherish, through thick and thin

In springtime and winter,

In sunshine and rain

Through sickness and in health

I promise I’ll always be there for you

I stand in my fitted lace mermaid wedding dress in front of Zae with his black tuxedo. He lets go of one of my hands to wipe the tears from his eyes. We stare into the eyes of each other, both teary-eyed, as we seal our vows with a kiss.

Together we relive that night.

I wake up the next morning in the hotel bed. I sit up, confused. I do not remember how I got here. I look next to me, expecting to see Zae. Instead, I see the black book—opened, but face down. I pick it up.

Let’s go to Barcelona. See you there.

Using some money that Zae left me, I book a flight to Barcelona, Spain for that night.

It had been a year since I last traveled to Barcelona for business, and Zae remembered how much I told him I loved it there. I book a room at the most exquisite hotel there—Casagrand. After settling in, I enthusiastically open Zae’s notebook, looking forward to our next adventure.

08/30/19

I’ll never forget this day, Maya. It was the day you broke my heart…

My world spins again. I find myself in a club in Barcelona. I’m dancing with a man—Daniel. Suddenly, I feel a presence beside me. It’s Zae.

“Do you remember this?” He asks.

His eyes are completely black; tears run down his cheeks.

“Zae,” I say shakily, but the world spins again.

We are standing in the hotel room—Daniel and I are embraced.

“I came to surprise you,” Zae says. “But, you had already found company.”

I reach out to touch him; his body burns to the touch. I snatch my hand away.

The world spins again. We are in the hotel hallway. I see Daniel leaving my room. As he walks down the hallway, Zae comes out of one room, placing a bag over Daniel’s head.

I scream, willing myself to go back to the actual world.

The world spins. I wake up in a hospital bed with a tube down my throat. Zae is asleep next to me, and the black book lies beside him. A nurse enters the room.

“Mr. Willis,” she says.

When he doesn’t respond, she calls his name again.

“Mr. Willis.”

Zae wakes up.

“Have you made your decision?”

He and the nurse look at me. I expect them to see that I’m awake, but it is as if they do not notice my open eyes.

He sighs, “We can take her off.”

“Okay,” the nurse responds. She pauses, “I’m sorry you had to make such a tough decision. I’ll go to get the doctor.”

I try to scream, but nothing comes out. I will myself to move, but nothing happens.

Zae looks at me with sadness, but slowly a grin spreads to his mouth. He seals it with a wink.