I've Fallen in Love with a Violent Offender

“You are not a rehabilitation center for poorly raised men” is probably one of my absolute favorite sayings of all time. Unfortunately, just like how to do your taxes my high school failed to teach me how to spot relationship red flags but have no fear my friends; I have seen all the red flags by now but then again, I am old. I think that this is a saying that should be framed in the visitation rooms of prisons, but even if it were posted; would it even matter?

I could not find the exact rates of women that fall in love with men in prison, but I cannot imagine attempting to record that and deem it reliable. Even still, more and more women are falling in love with men behind bars; often even being the initiator in the relationship. I mean, I would like to say that “I never went through the infamous ‘bad boy’ stage” (you know, the one where you date a boy that is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to you; but you do it anyway because bad boys were sexy and cool) but I pretty much excelled at that stage in life, unfortunately. Do not get me wrong, my definition of ‘bad boy’ then was the charismatic hippy that I followed around one summer. He smoked the reefer and drove without a license and it was dangerous ha-ha. But those high school, prepubescent mistakes do not even count.

Compare that type of attraction to seeking out relationships with criminals. In a lot of instances even, the more heinous the crime or the higher level of depravity (murder, rape, assault, etc.) the more intense the attraction. Hybristophilia is the clinical term for the recognized condition. It is a paraphilia (I love paraphilia’s honestly; they are the best; most at least) that involves the sexual attraction for individuals that have been found to have committed a crime (intensifies with the level of brutality of crime generally). Even with a psychology degree, it has not been in even ONE of my textbooks. I wish I could blame the generational effect, but it is not a new phenomenon. Ted Bundy literally had BEAUTIFUL women flying across the country just to wave and wink at him in the stands while the prosecution flashed crime scene photos and even the mangled bodies of women that looked just like them turned them on.

Why? Desire to understand how a murderer works, fine I get it. Desire to marry that murderer? NOPE. Like all things controversial, accepting Hybristophilia is a recognized mental disorder rather than an innate sexual preference remains argued but I imagine like most paraphilias (hint, deals with S.E.X) it is a controversial topic to research. There are tangible reasons that women tend to be attracted to criminals in general and most of these reasons are socially constructed to begin with).

The most supported explanation is that these women want to “fix” these men. Women are “nurturers” and “maternal”, so it is often a disorder that affects the kind, empathetic, and naive patients. Criminality is glamorized in the media in more instances than it is stigmatized. Hoodlums in the movies always appear to have masculine characteristics and they have macho man personalities. For some women, men that are primitively manly is a turn on and that is socially acceptable (come on, I know you paused a second past that firefighter meme; you know the big muscle one). These women have the same ideology as most females, just on a much larger scale.

There is the suggestion that there is a lot of security for women who date inmates. You would think that would be the opposite since they cannot see their loved ones but really, the women have peace of mind in that they know where their man is at all times, that he can’t get into trouble, or whatever else.

Security is another highly supported possible motive since many of these women suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and trust issues among other forms of mental health disorders. I went through a few different articles before writing this one and the last largely supported theory is as simple as control. The inmates will never have the upper hand in the relationship and the women who have lost control elsewhere in life and use the relationship to gain that power. Others that are seen less often but still as shocking are extortion, monetary gain, or five minutes of fame (depending on the inmate's crime and media coverage of said crime). After reviewing all these different *causes* or *reasons*, these women are more attracted to these men than the average female.

It is apparent that there is no one motive that will stand alone in any participant. Most psychiatric disorders are comorbid. I will argue that the motivations and symptoms hold the same dynamic. I do not believe there are 2 individuals that experience psychiatric disorders that are the same; making psychology a mystery discipline that is constantly moving. Technology has also made dating inmates much more accessible and tolerable. I found 12 inmate dating sites within 1 millisecond; the internet is AMAZING. There is no trait or gene that causes Hybristophilia so it, like serial killing; is likely a very individualized balance of environmental and biological factors. That is good though, gives me more to write about….