Bennie.

“Bennie” was no ordinary chihuahua, besides being funny, he belonged to Laurie. Bennie was entirely black with a tiny white chest hair and head tip. He always sat quite upright. One could be forgiven for thinking Bennie was named after Benny Hill, the offside English comedian, because Bennie liked to grab hold off his tiny cheerio dick with his tiny little paws and jerk off on the carpet, usually underneath the couch. No he was Bennie after Benzodiazepines that Laurie sold from the MCDonalds drive through at the Chinderah truck stop On the Far North Coast.

It was beautiful, Laurie would walk outta there on any given Friday night with his McDonalds uniform top pockets stuffed with Fitties and Hungies, maybe six or eight large on festival summer weekend. He would speed off into the night down Tweed Valley way in his Chrysler 300; same model as the coppers on the M1 Hwy patrol, Laurie figured if he had the same equipment he had half a chance of out running the bastards.

Bennie would also sit proud on the passenger seat in stark contrast to the crisp white leather seats and white pearlescent exterior under sodium street lights, it was rarely seen during daylight hours. Bennie was nocturnal like Laurie, wherever Laurie went so did Benny.

Laurie was one these private school kids from Brisbane that decided nursing was a noble cause and wanted to go into aboriginal communities, until he decided the last thing the the black fellas need is another well meaning do gooder white fella. He got busted after he cleaned out the pharmaceutical cabinet at Lismore Base Hospital on the practical assignment in third year. He sold all of it. Got expelled from Uni, went to court and did 2 years in the Grafton high max pen.

The red WR- X pulls up to the McDicks speaker ..,”Big Mac large with extra BBQ sauce.” so Laurie had all these codes for what he had in his gym bag at his feet, BBQ sauce was code for the psychedelic magic mushrooms . This joker pull round pay for his Big Mac on card and cash for his BBQ sauce and off he went. It was truly beautiful, they came to him, all fucking night long.

Bennie would always wait patiently in Laurie’s 300 under in an ocean of asphalt and skywalker highway lamps.

Laurie had spent the chilly windswept morning walking along the long winter dry beach tossing his left over Rogan Josh behind the sand dunes in the dog walking beach zone. The rancid curry had been sitting on his bench top for almost 5 days now since last Friday night bender. Laurie was the kind of guy that indulged these unusual activities to amuse himself. He had gotten the idea from the ewen McGregor character in “Trainspotting” based on the Irvine Welsh novel whereby he sits on a park bench putting air pellets into dogs who then and turn and bite the owner. He always thought it was cruel but hilarious, Laurie had now perfected more subtle techniques.

Laurie pulled back on his cigarette deeply and threw his formarm up in the air at 45 degrees, like a fuck you to the anti smoking lobby. Tanya lay beside him naked stroking his hairy chest , Laurie was deep in thought knowing he had just BANGED silly Tanya senseless while some rich dint was cleaning up their Laba doodles curried dogshit off the white rug overlooking Byron Bay dog beach.

“When are you leaving ? She rasped

“Tonight”

She looked over at Bennie who has his head cocked to one side.

“Does he always have to watch us” she looks at the pooch with some disdain.

..”don’t worry he doesn’t know anyone too tell” booms Laurie laughing at his own joke.“ just Feed him once a day, ok.” he says and she nods.“Here give me your number and text me if they’re are any dramas ok?

“Oh , four; six six ….”

Oh isn’t a number, it’s a letter, “

“What” she says

“you mean zero, not oh” Laurie rolls his eyes

“Whatever, text me what Bennie eats” She irritates.

“How long will you be gone for” Tanya’s pulls the covers over her naked top so that Bennie can’t ogle her tits with his big black marble eyes.

“3 Days- max- be back on Sunday “ states Laurie quietly stubbing out his rollie.

“It’s gonna cost ya “she says “100 a day”

“Shut up I already just paid ya”

“That was for a pussy not a dog, and he better not jerk off like that again it creeps me out”

He glares at her, “ rightio then, shit, my papers are all wet”.

The Laundromat

Pud was called Pud on account of his namesake The Magic Pudding by Norman Lindsay. He was kind of round in the middle and had skinny legs like Peter Sterling the NRL commentator who played for Parramatta back in the day. Even his two book head twin sons called him Pud. Now these two muppets, Mullet and Gunnar were the daily muscle for Pud. They ran the Cross in Sydney. Nice enough guys. Guvnah was the heavy, he kept the peace, governed law and order, The Guvnah was a bit a gambler, like the Ponies out at Randwick on. Saturday is where you’d find him, Mullet was shifty with the money and kept in clean , deception and elusiveness were his caper, night owl , pants man, liked it either way, batted from both ends of the wicket. The funniest thing about these cats is they run a legislate laundromat business , it’s hilarious, they were real quirky bogan types. Pudnorman Missus pissed off years ago when she found he had a daughter.

Laurie decides he”ll fly down and pick the new wheels that Pud has kindly giving in exchange for the some other products Laurie did last during for Pud during the lockdown as a favour as Pud international business was taking a serious haircut.

They would meet at The Black Squirrel later that day.

Tanya sits and pulls on the pokies lever mindlessly in the Byron Bay RSL , Bennie sits in her handbag licking his balls. Daisy her dimwit best mate flops down next her on the stool

“Watcha doin’?”

She sees Bennie “he’s sooo cuuttteeee ! Where did you get him, obviously not a her look at the balls on it!

“It’s Laurie’s, I’m minding it for him, sorry his name is Bennie”

“Why don’t you like him.”

“Bennie here likes to masterbate while we are having sex and watches us, Laurie thinks it’s funny”

“That’s gross” daisy snorts laughing

“Isn’t it”

“What are youse doing, have you got a job??”

“Yeah I gotta go, he is so old and fat and sweaty farmer, Les. His Wife is way every month for a board meeting or something in Brisbane

“Take Bennie”

“What?”

Bennie looks at Daisy expectingly, let’s out a small yelp and wags his whippet like tail.

Tanya burst out laughing.

“Go on, just for shits and giggles and maybe old Les won’t bother booking you again once he sees puppy dog eyes here jerking off on the farmer wife’s carpet”

Daisy picks up the dog and goes out the white Chrysler 300 that James drives for the brothel. Daisy can’t drive she gets too distracted by her phone. James is unimpressed by the Bennie in the car and lays down the law if it pisses on the upholstery.l

Sure enough behind farmer wife curtains Bennie jerks off into the haberdashery while Les gives it too Daisy doggie style on the terry towelling bedspread in the late afternoon light. Daisy locks eyes with Bennie the dirty little bustard of a mutt.

Daisy flops down in the stool right next to Tanya where she left 2 hours ago in the Bay rissole gaming lounge.

“Where’s Bennie?”

“Shit!”

Farmers wife looks in the full length mirror straightening her very prim and proper skirt and blouse and sees Bennie in the reflection wagging his tail.

“Leeeeezzz!”

“What do you mean you don’t know whose dog it is?, who was here that left it behind?

Laurie comes steaming into the RSL looking for Tanya,

“Where’s Bennie?”

“Daisy here is going to pick him up …..

“Where the flick is Bennie?!”

“He is at the vets “offers up Daisy

“Shit says Tanya

“Alright I don’t what the fuck is going her why happened to Bennie? Let’s go both of ya

Laurie shoves them both into the back of his crappy Subaru ,

“Pud dogged me on a new car so it was a wasted trip.”

The girls giggled in the seat seat. “Don’t push me, now where are we going ?

Tears trickle down Farmers wife face slowly as she pushes the red shot gun cartridges into the 12 gauge usually reserved for snakes in the warmer months around the chook pen.

The front door burst open as she as trains the twin barrels on Les in the lounge room. Bennie cowers behind the couch. Laurie bursts into the lounge room with Daisy and Tanya behind him looking like sheepish back up singers to Beyoncé.

“Which one is Daisy? On your knees over there in front of Les , show me what you did to my husband that is so bloody great she screams eyes bulging red faced

Laurie says he is just here for his dog

Tanya comforts Daisy while she gives Les oral pleasure, who is both red faced with embarrassment and pleasure at the same time, an odd expression. One that didn’t please his Wife’s temper ent any further in that heated atmosphere, Laurie is just hanging his head in disbelief he is even here he just wants his dog back.

Laurie shakes his head and tries to calm farmers wife

When out of the corner of his eye he looks over at the curtains and sees Bennie jerking off

Mrs Carter swings the 12 gauge to see what caught Lauries eyes.

Now a 12 gauge Winchester has some serious kick back not to mention the ear spotting boom in a confined space such as a Laurie Ashley styled lounge room. The cartridge pellets at that range turn a 3 kilo canine into mincemeat, I looked like someone had tripped and fallen over with a hot lasagne on the walls and curtain, right above the little wet stain where only moments ago Benny had simply been a spectator enjoying him self. Daisy slowly took Les out of her mouth and we all backed away to the door slowly nd calmly as Mrs Carter swung the rifle on Les. We wouldn’t have heard the gunshot anyway over James sound system back in the car, he was spared all the drama and was having a nice chill out to some new age tunes.

Lauries , Daisy and Tanya come running to the car and all jump and shout simultaneously “GO!!!”

James smiled with Laurie up front the girls in the back and that shitty dog Bennie was no longer in his car. It was Parmy night at the Billinudgel Hotel tonight. The natural order had been restored to the universe. Laurie sat in the front seat and cried to himself while the girls laughed and drank vodka saltzers. James taillights disappear slowly over the wet tarmac into the drizzling night.

“

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