Your Relationship Structure is Not the Problem

Holy shit. What a start to the year this has been.

Listen, I know it’s easy to be on the outside of someone’s communicated life and think, “The answer is obvious.”

And you’re not wrong but, as always, I will get myself and my people to answer the way I need to so that everyone is on the same page.

The larger, ‘forest’ answer is obvious: Nonmonogamy wasn’t the problem between the boyfriend and I, and monogamy hasn’t fixed anything.

In January, we stopped talking.

In February, we’ve nearly stopped having sex and, that, from his end, not mine.

If nonmonogamy were the problem, in removing it, our relationship should have blossomed beautifully. Instead, it is wilting and dying at an alarming rate. Even though I knew it wouldn’t blossom, I’m shocked at how quickly our relationship has begun to mirror that of the relationship conditions in which I first found him.

I’m not scared of singleness, and I won’t stay in unhappiness.

After the last time we had sex, unconsciously, my fingers clenched into fists.

Large, hot tears began to roll down my face as I bore my fists into my chest.

“You can punch me if you want” he said.

I wanted to, but I just cried and exasperatedly exclaimed,

“Sex shouldn’t be hard for us!”

Without laying blame, some of the reasons I understand, some I don’t. One way or another, I’m sure I’ll deconstruct it all to fully understand my experience, but what is obvious and true right now is that nonmonogamy wasn’t our problem and monogamy doesn’t fix anything that’s wrong between us. In fact, it’s just intensified our problems.

Which is a really weird thing to write as, no doubt, you have read, from other non-monogamous authors (including me), how nonmonogamy won’t fix what was wrong between you while you were monogamous. Well, monogamy won’t fix what was wrong between you when you were non-monogamous either.

So, here’s a profound truth that I intellectually knew before and can now confidently speak from experience:

It DOES NOT matter what relationship structure you choose.

If the two of you are good together, you work. If you aren’t, you don’t.

So, to my non-monogamous friends who find yourselves wishing your partner would just settle down with you: Nonmonogamy isn’t the problem.

And, to my monogamous friends who are feeling unsatisfied and drawn to considering nonmonogamy: Monogamy isn’t the problem.

The relationship structure you’re in is not important and changing it will not change who you are, both individually and together as a couple.

Going from monogamy to nonmonogamy with my husband did not change who we are together — We’re good together and we continue to work (though, I am going to write an update on our relationship structure soon).

Going from nonmonogamy to monogamy has not changed who the boyfriend and I are together — We aren’t as good together and we continue to not work so well.

There is personal pain in my experience, but I am also able to stand back from, look at, and appreciate it for the life experience and wisdom I’m gaining from it. And I hope in sharing it vulnerably, it is helpful to some of you.

Stop blaming external circumstances and look at who you are, who your partner is, and who you are together. Your problems aren’t a matter of your relationship’s structure, and changing the structure won’t fix what’s wrong with and between you.

Full stop. Mic drop.