Worthy of being alone

I was talking to a friend earlier today, and I realized something horrible. I don’t have the diagnosis, but I most likely have BPD. BPD often comes with an abandonment trauma, which I have, and it goes deep.

When I was a kid, I was showered with love, but remembering it makes me feel that it was somewhat transactional. I might be the one misunderstanding, but anyway. I had to be a certain way to have the approval of others, and from my family, I had to share my toys, be polite, intelligent, do as I’m told, as we all do. Although… it felt like I wasn’t worthy of love if I didn’t behave, and it shows in the way I raise my daughter. It’s complicated and I feel a very big knot right here, almost the core of most of my problems in life.

I was showered with love and praise, until I didn’t do my chores, until I was moody. I didn’t have space to express myself, I always find shelter in books and videogames, magic was my escape.

About the abandonment trauma, my mother left my father when I was two, I barely saw him or had any contact with him, since we didn’t have social media, cell phones and stuff. My mother told me that my relationship with my father was amazing, we loved each other. So… this must be my first time being abandoned. When I was two, she told me that in order to see my father soon enough, I had to learn how to read. According to her, I did, in a very short period of time, by myself. I can assure you that my father was not in my life on a regular basis, even if I did. But I guess that this is what started my curse, in some way. Since I was able to do this, I should be able to do more, right?

I was a weird kid, mostly alone after my first treason in school, I was probably four or five, I was in love with this boy, I still remember his name, but of course I won’t share it. We were several friends playing, and this girl, my former best friend from preschool, she pinched his butt, hurt him, and accused me of doing it. I don’t know why, everyone believed her, and I started to be alone more often. I also remember the feeling. It was painful. Little did I know that I was on my way to experiment it a bit too often.

As years went by, I had a few treasons that left huge scars. And I also had the feeling that I had to provide in order to be loved.

Again, I was a weird kid, I used to think that the others were stupid, I preferred adults and was praised because I was so smart. With kids my age, I had this feeling of rejection and loneliness, and also, that I didn’t understand social cues at all. How are people having group conversations? I don’t get it. If I’m with more than two people, I can’t do it. Well, I became better, but at what cost? I still don’t like groups, even if I love everyone in it. I feel easily overwhelmed or uninterested, I stop listening. If you have it too, you might have guessed: I have ADHD.

It’s funny how writing those things down and analyzing every bit of it slowly untie the knot. I can see how those events can be perceived as benign; my emotions made them big. The number of situations, too. Basically, all my life felt the same: I love someone, they leave. I also have so many trust issues, it’s hard for me to let myself go and let people see the real me. I learned to please people, in order to be loved. I learned that I needed to PROVIDE, something, anything. A smile, food, entertainment, anything, really. I want to please the people I love; I want to take care of them. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. I learned how to do it with years of practice, trials, and error, I used what I learned in school, when I had psychology lessons. I didn’t studied psychology, but every training I made had tools for communication, ever since I started to use it, everything became easier, and I wasn’t feeling stupid anymore. I learned what I could say in order to be liked.

Someone I deeply love said to me that I hate myself. That I should work on it, that it’s toxic to hate myself this much and only rely on this love I almost artificially create by PROVIDING. I need boundaries. I need to learn what a healthy boundary is, and I must not be scared of the outcome. I must love myself more than I love others, more than the love they give me.

That’s what he said, and I agree.

But lately, I’ve been savagely exhausted because of way too many things, and I need some good news. I can’t continue to chase unicorns like this. At this point, I don’t even know if I’ll ever be happy; Everything is spiraling out of control and everything is so heavy…

Right now, the horrible thing that I realized, is that even with this amazing human, I provided, but he left. At least, I should finally understand that this is not the right way to love.

The thing is… he left when I was asking for help. He left for very good reasons, self care is important, I absolutely don’t blame him… now that I went through a lot in my own head, and now that I exhausted him with my tantrums, break downs and crisis. I lost my mind completely. I can’t bear this pain. I need good news. I needed this ray of sunshine in my life. He was my only sunshine for almost a year, and now, everything is dark, cold, heavy, and lonely…. So lonely…

He didn’t disappear, but he stopped what we had, he wanted to stop being involved with my mess. Since we were partners, I relied on him a bit too much. Neglected myself and responsibilities to spend time with him, canceling appointments, I also started to freak out when I realized how deep my love was for him, and I started to panic every time I thought about the future, because I couldn’t help but wanting to build a life with him, even if I knew that he wouldn’t want it. Not with me, at least. Not like this either.

Events just… fell like an avalanche, growing bigger and bigger, dragging everything, and destroying everything. I was drinking and smoking too much. I still feel like he didn’t give me a chance to change, since he just took his decision, informed me, gave me his point of view and way too many things were new. I was disappointed with myself, hurt, abandoned again. I fell in a big spiral of dark emotions and pain. I stopped drinking and smoking abruptly and started to clean my apartment, trying to take care of myself, trying to enjoy it. I was also thinking about everything he said and ended up with wrong conclusion, something that looks like PTSD, and I felt lonelier than ever.

I tried to speak a lot, but at some point, complaining about how I fell gave me the impression that I was getting worse, so, I decided to isolate myself, but realized that depression was too close. I won’t mention here everything I’m going through, but I assure you, there’s a lot, and depression has been my companion for a very long time, sadly.

I’m still trying to figure out what to do, since everything is hard. I feel like I need help, but I can’t find it. I feel like everything is just way too heavy for me and that I need to rest for a bit, but I can’t either.

That’s why I’m writing. I’m unfolding my brain on my computer, and then, I share it with the world, even if the world doesn’t care. At this point, I might accept anything from anywhere, just to get out of it.