Word Vomit Part II: July On My Mind

This is my second attempt at the #100 things challenge. I'll say it again.... Blame Judey for this! ;)

The first time I did this unofficial challenge, it was mostly just to see what was so hard about it. With my ADHD and my quick typing, (and my mini-skirt sized thoughts taking the lead) it wasn't really that hard for me... but it was strange. And even more… it was immensely therapeutic. Despite the inane and self-deprecating focus my brain took, it still worked like a corkscrew on a stuck cork. Slowly at first and then BAM! Release!

So, I decided to try it again. For therapy. I might keep trying. But it's okay if you all don't want to read it. Can't blame you. It's just the rubbish in my mind spilling out in word vomit form. But if you're so inclined, here is my second attempt at the #100 things in twenty minutes challenge... and heads up... it's completely unedited. Just the raw and free-form ramblings vomited out onto the screen. So yeah... good luck!

1. I'm going to try this again and base it off of the first word that comes to mind.
2. Wait. I can't narrow it down. Too Many Words.
3. Okay, how about the month.
4. It's July. July of 2023.
5. Jeez louise life is passing me by.
6. 2023 already. I thought we were still in lockdown.
7. God that was three years ago! What a disaster that year was!!
8. The riots, the plague, the delivered groceries that I bleached and washed outside in the sun every day! Sheesh! I’m glad that’s done! I still remember the bleach smell on my hands. My pour immune system!
9. Wait!! No. This is supposed to be July focused. Can’t go down the Covid rabbit hole! That’s a never ending, never pleasant hole full of bumps and worms and skin-devouring negativity!
10. Wow I’m weird! Okay back on track here! July!!!
11. Wait a minute… “I’m getting a thought here… (Pirates reference. Who’s following me? Wait nope can’t do that either… Johnnny Depp madness. Another rabbit hole with many offshoots for more)
12. July! July. July. July…. Oh my Gosh. My mom's birthday is tomorrow. Wait, do the math, Lena.
13. 7-21-62. You say that all the time when you pick up her pills at Walgreens. Still you forgot. Oh well. You don’t celebrate birthdays after all. It’s okay to forget sometimes.
14. Another year. Wait. Hold on a hot minute. The numbers. 62-23. 1962 to 2023. Oh my gosh. 1962-2022 is sixty years. add the one.
15. Holy Crap.
16. My mother's going to be sixty one.
17. I hate that.
18. She's officially a senior citizen
19. my husband says she needs more help because she makes bad decisions. But who doesn’t right!?
20. I mean granted, she doesn’t do anything small. Her bad decisions are almost always life altering. Go big or go home right?! But ya he makes a point. Her reasoning is getting worse lately.
21. I hate it so much. Things I always dreaded thinking about are real. He doesn’t know her though. She makes bad decisions…
22. well yah! But like she always has. He doesn’t get her. She’s always been a bit off the rocker.
23. but she like also just went to Alabama sea school and got her AB certification. She also got that firefighter's certification or whatever.
24. at SIXTy!! Just a couple months after she had her breasts removed and got radiation for her second bout with cancer!!
25. She kicked it to the moon like the first time.
26. she really is a beast.
27. I wish i was as tough as her
28. i guess im as stubborn though
29. nah... she's more so
30. thats what makes her so tough
31. damn shes stubborn!! Y’all just don’t know
32. how can you hate the same thing that makes you love someone?
33. waht is love anyway?
34. theres so many kinds
35. agape. the Biblical kind. my favorite, really. Love of God... His love for me. The way it makes me love my brothers and sisters...
36. Then there's the other kinds. so many... like Romantic love
37. I really think romantic love is the one that will frig you up the most
38. its the hardest to get right for sure
39. it messes you up in the head. makes your brain mush
40. and somehow … it’s the one that so easily turns into hate
41. then back to love it goes. what a disaster that is
42. I should have listened to my mother.
43. she never wanted us to be like damsels. i wrote about that on vocal. look it up okay.
44. she said... don't marry till youre at least thirty
45. i was 29.
46. somehow i think if id just waited one more year, i'd have been wiser… wise enough to say no
47. i was close... but no cigar... as the saying goes.
48. my mom asked me on my wedding day... "do you feel trapped? My answer was even sadder than the question. "Yep, but lets do it anyway." How pathetic is that?!
49. I didn't know how to say no. I thought I had that down pat. I’d always said no to drugs and sex and following the crowd. That was easy for me!
50. But saying no to a man who wanted to marry me? That was impossible!
51. I wasn’t that strong. That kind of strength took a lot of time for me to develop
52. Besides that… i thought it was my only chance… id wanted to be in love for SO long!
53. what a freaking moron i was!!
54. God, i wish i was single now!! There’s so much left I want to do that I can't
55. I mean i love my husband… most days.
56. god he drives me crazy though! like SERIOUSLY crazy
57. but he's just a kid really. he never grew up.
58. i guess that makes sense...since i was always in love with peter pan.
59. i married my childhood hero. Hmm. Does that mean I succeeded? It doesn’t feel like success
60. And you know… it’s so strange… i always thought I was peter pan. Who knew i was actually Wendy?!
61. i should have gone home like her. back to Uncle Ben. Back to safety in the land of reality
62. you try to escape it with love… reality
63. like you're waking up for the first time. but really, you're just delving in to the fantasy
64. peter pan would have lost his charm if it was real
65. he had to just be a movie
66. god can you imagine? forever with that kid...?
67. BLAH i can. EXHAUSTING!!
68. im pretty sure pan is really captain hook.
69. or maybe wendy is Hook.
70. Hmm… that makes sense actually. That grudge. A woman scorned and all…
71. But wait. maybe hook is the subconscious of the dreamer.
72. we're all hook. hook is us… the grownup inside all of us.
73. gosh i miss being pan. Miss not being grownup. Boy that was short lived though. Being pan. Being a kid. I didn’t have much of a childhood
74. once the crocodile takes your hand... you just cant go back
75. reality hits hard.
76. god does it…
77. reality.
78. marriage.
79. marriage is a harsh reality sometimes
80. even in the full swing of it… love... man i miss my freedom!
81. my mom is a certified AB deckhand. almost a captain.
82. i always told her she was a chaotic mixture of captain hook and peter pan. she sure proved me right.
83. she keeps saying i should come with her. on the boat. back to alaska to be a deckhand
84. god. i want that.
85. sweet freedom.
86. the water calls me
87. i cant. thats what i keep saying. I cant. I'm married
88. so strange. eight years later, and all i want is to go back and strangle myself until the understanding set into me. Scream at myself:
89. YOU CAN BE FREE!!
90. RUN AWAY TO THE WATER!
91. God i miss the water.
92. texas sucks!!
93. Were going to corpus christi next month… my husband and i
94. i managed to clear up enough on a credit card to cover the hotel
95. if only he knew how broke we are!
96. he cant know though. He can’t handle reality
97. And i need it anyway if im going to make it through to 2024
98. gonna risk massive shark attacks to swim in waters that you cant see through
99. probably come out covered in that black petrochemical soot that coats your feet when you swim in the Gulf
100. maybe well start to glow in the dark. That waters nothing like the pacific back home. God I don’t want to be stuck here in Texas!
101. at least he gets it now... my husband… he never understood my need to be in the ocean
102. Or why i cried like a teething, colicky baby when i saw the water for the first time in over a decade
103. I smelled the salt. felt the breeze. The salty mist on my skin. Heard the waves…
104. God i miss the Pacific. So blue and green and clean.
105. So powerful.
106. I want to go with her… my mom
107. i want to be free
108. on the water.
109. instead im beached
110. all the way in central texas
111. its so freaking hot here
112. it finally topped a hundred degrees INSIDE our house today.
113. i've been watching the thermostat and its been climbing. finally it made it
114. about ten thousand dollars later and the ac is still not fixed
115. i swear im cursed
116. even the ac guy said we should smudge the garage...
117. what is that...???
118. smudge. I guess thats what it means to remove a curse.??
119. i am SO cursed. I hate the heat.
120. I'm freaking ALASKAN!
121. Why am I HERE!?
122. i hate my life.
123. how am i ever going to make it to july 2024?
124. July... oh ya. the challenge
125. that's what im doing
126. Oh crap! I'm at 126 things.
127. I've just been going and going and i must have lost track and be way over.
128. let me tap tap tap my phone screen to see how over i went
129. holy crap
130. i still have twenty seconds left
131. what to say?
132. fourteen
133. Where was I?
134. ten
135. Oh ya... i hate my life
136. five
137. four
138. three
139. what a depressing way to end this
140. I miss the ocean
141. ding ding goes the timer!
142. God i miss the ocean...

And that's all folks!