Why it's Okay to Breakdown Now and Then

Over the past twenty months, the pandemic has robbed us of a great many things. We have lost people, lost jobs, lost homes, and lost experiences of all kinds. Usually, I am able to stay strong, accept that we are all in the same boat and that one day this will all be over. However, there have been a handful of times when it has all been just too much. I call them my ‘Covid moments’. The day my son graduated from Grade Eight was one of those days.

You see, in Canada, Grade Eight graduation is a right of passage. It means that you are almost an adult. You are about to enter high school. You are shedding the last remaining threads of ‘babyhood’, and entering a strange world where you are not a child, but not yet an adult.

Traditionally, this event is marked by a grand ceremony. Families and friends gather in the school auditorium to watch as their child, and the other children they have watched grow up walk across the stage floor. For some of those graduates, they walk across the stage more than once — to accept awards that they have been specially selected for, or that they have worked extra hard to receive.

In my son’s case, he would have walked across the stage twice. He was one of the few that had an overall average grade of over 80%, placing him on the honour roll. Knowing that he accomplished this during the pandemic, with a full schedule of school and competitive hockey, I was absolutely beaming….

….from the other side of the parking lot. Because, in this crazy world, graduations have become a ‘drive through’ affair. There is no grand ceremony. There is no collection of friends and family. There is no stage for the graduates to walk across.

This did not seem to bother my son. But I felt robbed. A child’s grades are the product of a multitude of factors — yes, the child’s own work within the school, but also the parent’s commitment to helping them at home, the environment that the child is growing up in at home, and the environment of the school itself, to name a few. It is a collective effort. I was robbed of the chance to watch my son walk that stage and the opportunity for me to show the pride that I feel for him every day.

On the way home from the drive-through graduation, I expressed how proud I was of him — hoping that he truly understood what an accomplishment this was. He is a typical teenage boy, though, and simply shrugged his shoulders and acted like it was no big deal.

That’s it. He shrugged his shoulders and acted like it was no big deal.

It was too much. The drive home lasted all four minutes. In that four minutes, my temper went from non-existent to through the roof.

When I’m really, truly angry I have a very strange response — I usually start crying. I don’t usually cry when I’m sad, but somehow anger makes my tear ducts leak like you would not believe. So, by the time we were in our driveway, my cheeks were streaked with tears.

Both kids and my husband were alarmed — what was wrong with me? I stood in my dining room looking at my son, angry that he didn’t seem to care about his accomplishment, angry that Covid had robbed him and me of this moment, angry at the state of the world and everything that had been lost over the past year. Why didn’t he feel more pride? Why didn’t he seem to care more?

His answer was simple — “Mom, you’ve always told me that 80% is the minimum grade I should be working toward. So, I just did what I was told. What’s the big deal?”

That sobered me up right quick.

He was just doing what I had always advocated for. He was confident in his ability and humble in his pride. For a moment, I was speechless. I had to collect myself. I took time to reflect and accept that this was one of my ‘Covid Moments’. A moment where the stress of the pandemic, the isolation, the constant changes, and challenges both personal and professional, manifest into an emotional outburst.

What is most important during these moments, is remembering that you are not alone. That we are all going through this pandemic together — that there is not one person on Earth that has been untouched by this pandemic in some way.

This pandemic has caused loss for all of us in some way. When it gets too tough, it’s important to remember that this too shall pass. One day, we will look back on the pandemic as a distant memory. We will mourn for those we lost, remember the challenges we faced, and reflect on the experiences we went without.

By now, you know me — I’m going to try and find the silver lining in any challenge. For this particular Covid moment, the silver lining was that my children proved their compassion. Their hugs and “It’s okay, Mom” musings showed me that my children are coming out of this pandemic as more mature, compassionate, strong individuals.

It also reminded me that it’s okay to have Covid moments. There are times when even the strongest of us need a hug. And, as hard as it may be, it’s also important to have compassion for others, knowing they have Covid moments too.

Until next time……………………. XO-JGF