What My Letter to an Ex-lover Revealed

It all started with a dream.

I dreamt a dream so vivid I knew I had to capture it immediately. I wrote it on a scrap piece of paper.

That on its own isn’t so strange. Most of us dream, and frankly, we don’t remember most of those nighttime tales, right? Or if we do, they are but a fleeting memory upon awakening, and as our conscious minds attend to the tasks of the day, they are gone. Other times, dreams stick with us for a day or two, then they’re reabsorbed into our subconscious and slowly disappear.

But this dream I had—it was so unusual. And completely out of the blue. Perhaps that’s why I felt compelled to write it down, but I thought that would be the end of it. Instead, much to my surprise, I decided to send it to its subject-- my long-ago ex-lover.

See, my ex almost destroyed me thirty years ago. And I was complicit in that almost-annihilation, until I realized our relationship was the worst kind of toxic. I had fallen for a sick, narcissistic genius. Yes, he was caustic, but he was also funny and sharp. His life journey to that point had been riddled with unimaginable pain, grief, and loss, and of course, I thought I could fix that. I believed my love could help him slay his ghosts. I had never been so wrong.

But now, almost 25 years had passed, and while we hadn’t contacted each other in decades, the dream was powerful—and positive enough—that I thought it might touch something in him, something that would heal whatever was going on in his life.

I composed it furiously, before I forgot the nuances of my slumber story. And verbatim, here is the letter I sent to my ex-lover:

“OK, so hi after 25+ years. Hope you’re doing well. I’m really fine, actually, a lot older and much more ‘grown up’, haha. Hey, you’ll remember how my intuition always got the better of me…well, I dreamt about you last night. Of course, it was completely out of the blue because you haven’t crossed my mind in a long while. Weird thing was, I’d wake up, go back to sleep, and the dream continued. Three times.

“The only reason I can think of for dreaming about you is that I was bed-time reading a book about serial killers. Maybe I was thinking of our first date. Best first date ever bwahaha!*

“Anyway, in my dream you were facing a monumental life change, and it was positive for you. In each dream, I learned more. I was a little flummoxed by it, probably only because we haven’t been in touch in years, but I woke up feeling content and happy for you.

“So I woke up this morning feeling like I’d seen you at present and things were good, you were happier than I’d ever seen you, and that made me smile.

“No need to reply, just know that if (when?) something monumental happens, you’re going to be OK. At least that’s what my dream said. Go figure.

“Be well,

Catherine

After a few weeks with no reply, I thought, oh, that’s just like him to avoid responding. Maybe things haven’t changed with him. Maybe he’s still afraid to connect with his past, or perhaps he just wrote me off years ago and I just wasn’t aware. And after all, I did say he didn’t need to get back to me. I just hoped, at least, that he took my message to heart.

Last week, I discovered he was dead.

He had died before I sent him my missive.

My ex-lover, the one I’d dreamt about facing a monumental change, was already dead.

I only learned about his death after googling his mom. I had adored her, and often thought of her over the years. She had been a short-order cook, and she’d carefully guided me through the best of her recipes.

Her name was one I’d never heard before—a beautiful, unusual native American name—and oddly, the book I am reading has a character with the same name. Which lead me to searching for my ex-lover’s mom’s name online. And I found her obituary.

This lovely lady passed away in 2021.

As I read through her obituary, I saw her children’s names. I knew she’d lost a son in the 70s; her daughter died of cancer in 1994. But here it was: She had been predeceased by all three. My ex-lover, the subject of my dream and my letter, had passed away a year earlier.

I was dumbfounded. How did I not know? Of course, I understand we’d gone our separate ways decades ago. But his social media accounts were all still active, albeit unattended. There was no obituary marking his death. My mind still imagined him growing older, his hair greying, his eyes crinkling a little more when he smiled.

I can’t romanticize or feel nostalgic over our relationship, as fractured and as flawed as it was. Leaving him likely saved my life, as he’d worn me down and broken my heart to the point where my self-esteem was dangerously non-existent. I can’t imagine ‘what might have been’ because we were so toxic together our only future would have been apocalyptic.

Perhaps because of that, I’m bewildered. Years ago, I placed our relationship in a box, and I never thought I’d open it up again. The emotional scars healed years ago. But I lived life with my ex for three tumultuous years. I learned so much from him and because of him. For that I am grateful.

I hope that in the end my dream for him was true. I hope that whatever shape his life took after our time together, something monumental and happy did indeed happen for him. And I hope that wherever he is now, he’s ok.

*(Explanation required: We went to the movies to see Silence of the Lambs on our first date. We both loved it.)