I 'Could' Get Away with Murder

I must admit: I’ve thought of it. I could get away with murder.

I’ve considered scenarios where, if I were a criminal, I’d have an advantage. I could rob a bank. Drop my gun. Throw away my weapon, knowing that the authorities will never find me.

Think of the TV program CSI: Criminal Scene Investigation. The conversation might go something like this:

“Grissom, I don’t know what to tell you,” Sara shakes her head. “There were no fingerprints at the scene. There’s DNA all over the place…but not one print.”

“You’re telling me we have DNA, but no discernable prints?” Grissom asks. “Seriously? Huh. That’s odd. Well, unless the DNA’s already in our database, this’ll be a tough crime to solve.”

And unless my DNA is in some database I’m not aware of, I’m in the clear.

See, I have what doctors call adermatoglyphia. That means I don’t have discernible fingerprints. I never really thought too much of it—nothing in my life calls for regular fingerprinting. However, the past few years it has caused me a bit of embarrassment, and it created a bit of havoc when I was being hired for a government job.

But more about that later. Adermatoglyphia is a genetic mutation. It’s the absence of those crazy whorls and loops that comprise our unique fingerprints. And because no two people have the same patterns, fingerprints are used to identify people (and their crimes). People with adermatoglyphia don’t have these ridges, so they can’t be readily identified through scans and prints.

This rare disorder doesn’t cause me much trouble, but it is disconcerting. I don’t think I realized it was even a thing—let alone a problem—until a few years ago. And because I’m uninclined to be on the criminal side of the law, it’s probably not going to impede my everyday activities.

Adermatoglyphia as a genetic disorder was only identified in 2011, after a non-resident woman had difficulty entering the US without the required mandatory fingerprinting. That’s what happened to me. In this woman’s case, nine of 16 family members also carried the genetic mutation. While that indicates one cause could be hereditary, I’m unaware of anyone else in my family having it.

Given our experiences in airports, you can appreciate why adermatoglyphia has been called ‘the immigration delay disease’, an appropriate moniker in my experience.

With apologies to all those who ever stand in line behind me, I am the one taking up so much time in front of the immigration officer while you were waiting to get to your hotels. I’m sorry. You must think there’s something wrong with me, that I forgot to do the requisite paperwork in order to get into the country. Or maybe there’s an outstanding warrant for my arrest, and the officer in front of me has pressed a little button under the counter and is awaiting my police escort to the local jail. In any case, it certainly appears to onlookers that I am uncooperative.

I have been asked to press harder on the green biometric fingerprint scanner. Trust me, the only way I could press harder would be to do a one-hand, mid-air handstand with all my weight on the four fingers of my right hand.

I’m 60. This ain’t gonna happen.

Some officers encourage me to rub my hands together until they’re hot, then place my fingers on the scanner. Nope, hot fingers don’t fare any better. Dry your hands on your pants, I hear. No use explaining my hands are drier than the chicken sandwich I ordered on the plane. I just do it. And of course, I know nothing will work. I’ll get asked to stand aside, so that others can glide through customs while I await my fate. Did I mention I also have a built-in guilt complex for pretty much everything in my life, so I’m quite aware that my facial expression reflects that? So while I’m waiting for my inevitable ‘secondary’ investigation, I try to—and likely fail at—appearing unconcerned by the fact that everyone is staring at me and the immigration officer has been holding onto my passport for more than 10 minutes.

Supervisors need to be summoned; whispered conversation between the officer and supervisor ensues. Shoulders are shrugged. More stares. More hushed discussion behind the counter. Meanwhile, I just keep singing Rogers and Hammerstein’s “Happy Talk” in my head while pretending to be oblivious. Eventually, I hear the click-click of the passport stamp and the officer hands me my documents. I can proceed into a foreign country once more. Whew.

When I applied for a temporary government job a few years ago, fingerprinting was part of the process. Of course, they employed the biometric scanner. Again, the technician was stymied. I kept pressing harder. Finally, with no adequate fingerprint recognition, I was bound for ‘old-school’ fingerprinting. The technician walked over to her desk, pulled out a dusty inkpad, and I dutifully pressed each finger until I suppose there was enough to go with. Either that, or they simply called me ‘the one with no fingerprints’.

Now, adermatoglyphia is more of a curiosity than a disorder, and most people have never even heard of it. As a result, there’s not a lot of money or resources that go into discovery and research—nor should there be. Scientists have, however, discovered that the affected region of DNA codes for a protein called SMARCAD1. The shorter, mutated version of the gene interferes with the way RNA is spliced together, which is crucial in the protein’s production. But I have a big question. There’s been no research into just how SMARCAD1 is involved in fingerprint development.

I know that fingerprints develop in the womb, and I was a premature baby, born tiny at 33 weeks. Researchers suspect the protein in question may be involved in creating fingerprint ridges. I have to wonder, did being a preemie play a role in my potentially criminal identity? Certainly, being born early played a role in less villainous traits—like asthma, a hiatal hernia, and vision problems. I've dealt with breathing problems, digestion issues, and astigmatism my entire life. This adermatoglyphia thing is new to me, and I’m still learning about it.

Not sure if I have it in me to commit murder, despite my little anomaly offering me a clean slate. Sure, I'm a horror author, but if I did the things I write about, I'd be arrested anyway.

Meanwhile, I guess if I’m planning to rob a bank, I’d better wear my bifocals, take my inhaler, and pray to god I don’t throw up in the process. If I can do all that, I think my fingertips can take care of all the rest.

Sources: Adermatoglyphia: The Genetic Disorder of People Born Without Fingerprints - https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/adermatoglyphia-genetic-disorder-people-born-without-fingerprints-180949338/

https://medlineplus.gov/genetics/condition/adermatoglyphia