We Both Knew, Just Never Said

Mom.

I never told you this.

Never had the guts to be honest about it…

And… well, to be fair,

I never felt like I could tell you this. That I was allowed to tell you this.

Mom.

I never told you this…

But I have always felt incredibly alone.

I know I always seemed a happily-daddy’s-girl,

Seemed like I didn’t ever need you or want you.

I know my sparky spirit didn’t always sit well with you, and, in fact,

Often caused you incredible amounts of stress.

Feeling like your daughter would never grow up to be the Lovely Young Lady you always imagined.

I know that.

And to be fair, I have always known that.

I’ve always been aware of your inherent, if not outward, disdain for my true nature –

No matter what you try to say now,

Unfortunately, there is no way to go back and correct the past.

You didn’t like me.

You didn’t like that you couldn’t groom me.

That I wasn’t willing to listen, to “Be a Lady,”

To indulge in anything deemed or labeled “feminine” in your eyes.

But I think most of all,

Above any of these transgressions,

I think you hated that I didn’t like you.

I think you equated my stubbornness to disdain for you,

Rather than for the actions or activities you tried to force on me.

And I’m sure as a child, it could definitely have seemed like I didn’t like you.

Didn’t trust you.

Didn’t want you to influence me in any way.

But I don’t think it was ever that deep for me –

As a child.

And to be completely honest…

Regardless of the front I have always put up

So others could never see the real me…

The front I put up so you wouldn't see...

I miss my mom.

I miss you.

Not for who you are or who you’ve been to me in this life.

But I miss the role of a mother.

Because

You were never really there.

And that’s the problem.

That’s the biggest issue I’m running into,

Now that I’m emerging in this world as a woman –

I realize that…

You weren’t there.

Not in that way, and not for me.

So, for me, in my experience,

I don’t have an example.

I don’t know how to process my emotions.

I don’t know how to understand myself,

Contemplate my circumstances,

Nor do I know how to navigate to the best of my ability

With the best of my abilities.

And I’m older now, so I can’t put all the blame on you.

I’m grown. I can figure out how to do all these things –

But damn.

Damn, am I behind.

I feel so behind and disadvantaged and

I’m trying not to be angry,

But then it’s sadness and grief instead.

And then where does that leave me?

Mom – I’ve never told you this,

But I’m struggling.

I’m struggling to navigate because you weren’t there.

Because you so desperately avoided confronting this feeling of your daughter

“Not liking you.”

I’m struggling because you ran and hid.

Because you evaded.

Weaved and waved your way through my entire childhood

In an effort to “keep your hands clean.”

Yet, little did you ever know.

It was your absence that hurt me the most.

It was exactly your avoidant nature that damaged me the most.

And I’m suffering for it.

I’m lonely for it.

I’m lost for it.

Mom.

I never told you this.

Never told you any of this –

Never felt like I could share any of this. That I was allowed to speak about it…

But we have both always known this,

Always.

We just never talked about it.

I never told you this,

But I guess the only real thing I learned from you

Was to silently avoid the truth.