The Human Being

I’m hoping to sit down and just… think for a while. Well, maybe not think. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. And that… really hasn’t gotten me anywhere. In terms of actual progress I mean. Sure, it’s been helpful to dissect every tiny, little, painstaking detail of how things could have been so different if only I was a little more aware. It’s been helpful to know exactly where I went wrong, you know, so I can spot the red flags the next time.

But thinking really hasn’t done me any good because… well because, for some reason, I keep having to go back. There’s no thought or action or new perspective which satisfies this insatiable urge to “go over it again.” Relive my stupidity through my mind's eye as if living it the first time through my own eyes were insufficient. Nothing is ever “enough” to justify a “moving forward” because to move forward is to invalidate this guilt. Is to run-away from the “responsibility” of flogging myself for being myself.

Nothing is ever enough for these thoughts because, I suspect, if I were to stop feeding them, they would cease to exist.

And Feeling is the same way. I’ve tried that too. “Follow Your Heart” they’ll tell you, but the heart likes to suffer too. There’s a certain addiction to the pain, a certain sense of pleasurable release when you get to the heart of an emotional pain -- the body’s physiology is neutral. And you think, “it can’t work against you both ways!”so, you start trying to find pleasure in pain… only to become addicted to that certain pleasure because it’s reliable. You’re sure to feel something release inside you if you just keep placing yourself and your identity in those feelings. Some may call this “working through their issues” or “emotional maturity”, but is it not the same monster as thought? Does this emotional beast not literally live off of the same self-torturing habits as my thoughts? Does this too not need more fuel of the same kind simply to stay alive?

Am I then not trapped in the exact same cycle?

So I’m really just hoping to… sit for a while. And just be. In the rush of life, in the analysis of thought and emotion we rarely make the time to simply sit and be. So I’m hoping to just take a moment and bring awareness to the tightness in my calves. Feel my rib cage expand and feel breath fill my body. I feel like only then am I allowed, or even able to really contemplate the future, if only because I am truly rooted in the present.

It requires no explanation To Be. No justification for its existence is necessary. And it’s this eternal, egoless state that I feel I am finally able to come to terms with my beasts. My monsters. Because, if anything, they are in the past, and I have now, somehow, made it to this present moment. All seems forgiven in the present moment. All seems right and righteous and perfect. Whole.

And maybe this state doesn’t answer any of the questions Thought or Emotion bring to the surface, but in this state I am free of the want for an answer -- and doesn’t that make the question irrelevant?

I’m tired of being a servant to the unique tools and aspects of being Human. And while Thought and Emotion are essential tools of the Human, I say it’s time to remember what is truly in control -- the state of being. The Human Being. And I can’t help but think, every time,

Isn’t it neat to be alive?