Trouble On The Horizon

Life, and my life in particular, has a way of throwing unexpected curveballs, and this past week has been a whirlwind of significant changes, stress and intense creativity for me. From devastating personal fights to to professional challenges that demands a solution, it has been a period demanding my full attention and energy.

A Name Change Amid Relationship Struggles

I am sure, one of the most profound changes has already come to your attention. My name has changed, lesss because I wanted it, then because it was forced upon me. Over the last 2 decades I tried several pen-names; however, I always felt uncomfortable with each of them. Yet, with all the hardship in my upbringing and the pressure my parents gave me, I hated my last name and from early on I made clear, that I would change it the moment I can. With a marriage coming up, it was clear to use my new last name, even before getting married, so that I don’t need to publish under my name and soon change everything. But a few days ago, after my brother-in-law checked out my social media profiles, my boyfriend decided to withdraw his permission to use his last name. His concern about potential stress and repercussions from his family and friends led us to this difficult crossroad. Within feww hours I had to undone what I wass building up.

The stress from this decision and its aftermath pushed us further to the brink. The tension was already high under all the stress and problems we have to face on a daily basis. We almost broke up and still the possibilty of going separate ways is there. However, somehow we both are still willing to overcome this struggle and reunite again. With all the things on my list, this personal hardship brought me very close to have another heart attack.

Capturing the Hafengeburtstag: A Creative Marathon

With a lot of personal turmoil ongoing, I decided to film and photograph the Hamburg Harbour Birthday against the advice of my boyfriend, who called this plan a “worthless stupidity”. This four-day event was both exhilarating and exhausting, what caused my health to deteriorate drastically again. It was only afterwards that I realized that I had probably received a few bruises during the mass panic on Friday night.

The Hafengeburtstag left me with a masssive amount of material to edit and cut. The workload iss daunting, and the pressure to produce the content I desired adds another layer of stress. Yet, this project also serves as a reminder of my passion and I had fun to take out my camera for the first time in a year. From day one on I struggled to get my equipment out of its long sleep. The electricty trouble in this apartment caused a lot of trouble with charging the batteries and some smaller damages on my camera went unnotices till I needed to use it, nothing severe for God’s sake.

Rebuilding cbvisions photography

And even on the professional front, there is a heavy workload to do. The moment the passion for photography returned, I decided to rebuild cbvsions photography and bring it back to its old glory, with all the necessary changes that I could not do a decade ago. But this also means, I have to rewrite a new business plan, come up with a new marketing strategy. And I also decided to bring in Kevin Ghoseawon as a partner.

The first step was to eliminate my ex-finace from it. We build up everything together and he was the writer for most of the texts, and that was one of the reason I always felt uncomfortable to go on after we broke up. Most of his old texts are renewed by now. But while doing this, and also working on the business plan, I faced many upcoming problems that are difficult to solve, yet I will steer it towards growth and overcome all of the struggles.

Family Disputes Again

It always had been hard to deal with my family for me, and lately there is another series on conflicts with them I suddenly have to deal with. These disputes have been particularly draining and negatively effecting me. I hope, and it looks good at the moment, that all necessary contracts can be made within the next few weeks. And after that, I am free for the first time in my life. All this unwanted dynamics stretched my emotional resources and brought me back into an alcohol addiction that also caused some serious trouble on my relationship. Another hard thing to overcome now. But I am certain, that this matter will be solved soon.

Overhauling My Written Works

With the name change, I suddenly have no choice but to re-edit some of my published books. Since I already had to take them down, I also decided to go a step further and take down all the books on my name to make the name change completely. And at the same time I will transition them to a new distribution platform, since the old one has changed ownership and the new owner created a platform I don’t like.

As if all the other challenges weren’t enough, now I also have to redo every single book I ever published in the last 25 years. However, I know, that this task is monumental for the future and holds the potential to a great comeback for me in everything.

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Through all these struggles, finding the right balance has been a major problem. Each challenge, from the personal ones to the professional ones, demands its own set of solutions and resilience. Every step forwars, every decision made, brings me closer to a new version of my older myself, one that is stronger, more adaptable and ready to face whatever comes next.

Hopefully, by end of October all this will be over and the fun part can begin!

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Thanks for reading!