To the Ying to My Yang

Have you ever wanted to go back and have those tough discussions with people who are no longer present? I don't mean in life or death; I'm talking about those no longer in our lives (physical, mental, or just plain cut out). They say with time comes healing and forgiveness, but with our time, it still sits heavy on my heart. To stand from the outside looking in, nothing looked broken. But for the two people who lived it, we have gone through hell and back, slowly chasing our beautiful bond.

To begin is to know our history, which is common in small towns like ours. Leigh was 5 grades ahead of me in school. At the time we first met, I was in 7th grade and the batgirl for our Varsity softball team, which my older sister was a part of. That’s my first recollection of knowing who Leigh was. Thinking back upon those times now, I was treated like a member of the team, which is a great foundation for growing and understanding respect amongst my slightly older peers. I was at every practice I could attend, including leaving class early to make away games. In those days, Leigh was fearless and strong. I admired her.

Years later when I was finally in high school, Leigh worked in the office as an aid. She always had a smile on her face. This is when and where Leigh probably started learning who I was. For those who grew up in cities and large towns, this isn’t an ordinary way to develop a strong friendship. And yes, when I was still in high school, I didn’t hold her in the strong friendship category which would develop in 5 short years. We were acquaintances and nothing more.

After high school, I went off to college. I grew, I fell (a lot!), made new friendships, lost past friendships, and developed emotional problems I tried hard to keep to myself. I left college on the verge of imploding.

The funny and crazy part to know of our little corner of Michigan; we are known for our local community pageants (over 100+ years of tradition). In 2002, a group of concerned parents enacted to remove the local chairman for our community Queen. Leigh was one of the leaders who took over part of the production of the annual pageant (she managed the Fashion Show and Mr. Pageant). She reached out to my parents to question if I would be interested in supporting as an emcee. I jumped right in which is where our friendship began to form.

Good friendships do not develop overnight, they take time like a good wine. Yes, some are quick to form and easy to jump right into. But what I have found out with life is quick friendships never last the test of time. They fade like the Midwest seasons.

We started seeing each other every other week at practices and eventually created a new ritual of heading to the Friendly Tavern after practices to digest the weeks insanity and have a dollar draft. For an individual who became so guarded after college, I started letting my walls down and opened to allowing a side of myself to be shared.

Leigh became my first true best friend. She never judged me, she never used me, or abused my trust. For what felt like 2 straight years of a strong friendship, we had developed into the best of friends. She was my first call always. When I came home from working at the bar, it was a running joke I would always leave her a message on Myspace to ensure she woke up to a happy message. We made memories, some of the best. Our friendship was never forced. We were happy with each other’s companies, stories, and shenanigans. I opened up to her and divulged some of my history in college (the good and the bad).

One memory which still makes me chuckle was when we were having a get together with friends at her house on a Friday. I’m still unsure where the golf cart came from, but somehow it showed up at her house around 10:30 at night and she took a quick ride across the road on the local elementary campus. A car drove by…and what my friend did was strike a pose, holding her chin in her hand and said, “I acted like a statue so they wouldn’t see me.” That’s who we were. We laughed to the point we would cry. I was one of the few females she allowed into her pack.

“As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So, take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.”

Matti Nykanen

I came into her life when I was starting to crack. I know that is not a digestible excuse. When I had moved back home, and I didn’t have a friendship to cling onto. My older sister who I had grown close to had just left and chased her dreams leading her to Florida. My college boyfriend and I had one last blow up fight there was no coming back from. The friendships I made working at the bar had become superficial. Leigh extended her hand and we became friends with no agenda. But what she didn’t know at the time was that I was spiraling out of control. I became very selfish in our friendship. I became triggered and inconsolable; not understanding how I wasn’t your only friend when I put you into a spotlight. That’s the risk of being close minded and enforcing others onto your own pedestal.

What started as a tiny crack escalated into a giant snowball.

In July 2008, there was a group of us working on ideas for the upcoming pageant season. I had a little too much wine and I spoke the truth, which in my mind, I thought I needed to say. I was angry, I was hurt, and I was broken. I purged every dark thought and made my personal demons aware of light.

Leigh did not deserve my backlash that night. Till this day, I still don’t understand why I attacked her with no basis. I still have a letter stored on my computer explaining she needed a break, with the following quote: “Dreams are like the paints of a great artist. Your dreams are your paints, the world is your canvas. Believing is the brush that converts your dreams into a masterpiece of reality.” What I had done in one night was painted a hurtful illusion which ended breaking a 3-year friendship I held in regards.

We took a break and tried to maintain what friendship we had left. I continued to spiral and make the worst decisions during my late 20’s/early 30’s. We continued to have a strained friendship. I lived up to her preconceived notions of ‘why’ female friendships are hard to maintain. I let her down as I let myself down.

In 2010, one of our closest mutual friendship was diagnosed with Leukemia. We agreed to start fresh. It took two years from our first blow up to realize we were doing damages to each other which neither of us understood. When we made amends, we realized we were not the same people who we were when we first became friends. Time changes things, whether we want them to or not. We both knew we were never going to be as close like we were.

It’s human to make mistakes and I made too many to even understand. I have so many regrets; even though they built me to be a better person. There are still those moments I wish I could take back.

We are miles away, years apart and guided by one light and hope. Redemption is a long, winding road. Leigh has been my northern light when I was in the darkest place in my life. She brought me back to life without realizing I was so lost. Somehow, she continues to guide me even when we stopped talking to each other. In these last years, we can go months without reaching out through Messenger or sending a text.

Our friendship has weathered many storms. But we are slowly making our way back.

In accordance to my grievance and hoping it’s never too late to say sorry, I want those who have embarked in similar situations to know there is a way back. It’s not an easy road and Leigh was not lying when she advised it would take time, for us both, to heal and mend. It’s going on 10 years we are actively repairing a shoddy foundation. Time…time…time.

To the Ying to my Yang,

You are an inspiration; you loved a broken soul even when the brass of their heart wouldn't shine.

I'm so proud of you; your strength and conviction are irreplaceable.

You're compassion and soul opens to everyone; you are the reason for so many happy stories.

Although your confidence and beauty often elude you, you are the strongest female I know who lives with such blind grace. There is no light without your guidance.

Through humility and defeat, you have risen as a stronger human.

You’re one of my best friends through time and space.

I don’t exist without you. You made me ‘me’.

When I was broken, you lifted me up. You saved me.

If there is one thing, I can do for you, is lift you up from your own darkness.

We rise from the ashes, as you are the biggest unsung hero everyone you meet.

You are the strongest person I know.

Thank you for empowering all life you touch.

Love,

The Yang to your Ying