To The Person I lost My Virginity to...

Hey! I hope that you are doing well. You know it's been like a week since you stopped talking to me. I really don't know why is that because I remember you saying that you will not stop talking to me. Please help me understand is it because you got scared or that you just simply got bored. I thought that you were a good person...

I don't know what to think anymore. While I still think that you are a good person at heart the turn of events have made me think otherwise. I remember the first day you started talking to me. You seemed so genuine with your words expressing everything as if you were an open book. However, my gut feelings were telling me he might seem good right now but don't trust him. You know I did agree with my guts and started giving you very vague replies but still you kept on expressing yourself so easily with me that I thought I was just being an overthinker. My friends have always told me that I don't ever give a chance to anyone that I should at least start talking to someone. So I ignored all my gut feelings and just enjoyed having conversations with you.

Honestly, what can you expect from a girl who has never been in a relationship before? Who has always lost herself reading romantic novels and who has always been a hopeless romantic, fantasizing for that perfect someone. Wow! you really had me fooled in believing that you could be that someone. People do say that once you start liking someone you ignore all of their flaws. You know I have waited 21 years! 21 fucking years of building up the walls and never letting my guards down. I have always focused on my studies and have ignored anyone who tried to come close to me. I have waited so long to find someone who can understand me who will cherish me and when you started talking to me, for a while it made me feel like you cared about my feelings... I felt like you were that someone.

I cannot say that I didn't enjoy talking to you. Now that I think about it I miss telling all the tiny little details of my day. I miss hearing you rant about your work or how you need your Starbucks. You know that day when you told me that you will teach me how to skate and that you would hold my hands if I fall that was the day I put all my overthinking and anxiety aside and I felt like I could finally open up to someone. My foolish heart thought that see there are people who still believe in small romantic gestures. At this time, I actually didn't even know what I wanted or even if I was hoping for a relationship to blossom. But I sure knew that whatever that we were I still wanted to keep talking and see where this was going with you.

The first time that we met, I was so nervous. My friends do keep telling me that I am beautiful but I have always found flaws in my looks. I have never felt pretty in my own skin so I was so nervous that you wouldn't like what you saw and will not talk to me after that day. That we would hang out once and never meet again. even though we didn't do much and just drove around the town I liked hearing you talk. I liked the way your eyes sparkled when you were talking about the most stupidest things. Believe me when I say that I couldn't take my eyes off of you. God you even remembered that you promised me milkshake from 2 nights before when I was drunk texting you. When you told me that you hadn't even had ice cream for a long time but would get milkshakes with me it really meant something.

I think I was just blindly trusting you and not thinking it in a practical way. When you left me back at my place and didn't make any move and I had to ask for a hug, I thought you would never message me again. But as soon as I came in my room you sent me a snap saying that you enjoyed hanging out with me. I was so relieved. You were still being your silly goofy self that whole night sending me snaps of everything you were doing. I was over the moon. You see I was in a very depressed state when you first started talking to me. I had lost all my close friends because of something stupid I did. I had hurt them and I am a people pleaser so this had left me more hurt. You wanting to talk to me meant a lot. No matter whatever has happened now I am glad that you talked to me then because honestly speaking I was ready to end my life for a split second.

I really thought you were being so true to me. How foolish was I? From all the things you opened up to me I was feeling so guilty that I was not being able to open up and speak my heart out to you. But now that I think about it I am glad that I didn't open up, didn't let my whole guard down. Was everything you told me even true? I am beginning to question that. You know I have watched so many movies and read so many books to know that I was being stupid. But at that moment, I was just ignoring everything because frankly speaking it is hard to be 'a little miss know it all' all the time. So I just avoided it and did something at the spur of the moment.

Coming from a small country like mine , where sex before marriage is always looked down upon it was very hard for me to lose my virginity. And it really hurts now to know that I gave away my virginity to someone who didn't even care about my feelings. I feel so used and undesired. I would have been ok if you at least had tried to maintain whatever it was that was going on between us. And to think that you asked if I wanted to be in a relationship and that you were even willing to be in a long distance relationship after we had sex. God I feel so humiliated and I don't like being vulnerable around people but this hurts like nothing I have ever felt before.

You found me at my lowest I guess that is why it hurts so much. I never saw myself crying for some guy who doesn't even have the courage to man up and say what went wrong. Who doesn't even have a little bit of self respect to say that they don't want me and just randomly stops talking.

No matter how much I think I cannot figure out what actually went wrong because you were being so sweet even after that night. If you ever find this please let me know because I would like to move on in a proper way. Even though I cannot express in words how much you hurt me I just want to say that I don't regret sleeping with you. I hope that whatever you told me about your dreams are true and I hope that someday you will accomplish them. I know that I mean nothing to you just someone who you wanted to sleep with but you will always mean something for me. I will be proud and happy for your achievements and always think about you as my sleeping beauty...