Thoughts from the dead

I try to scream, and nothing comes out.

Actions, turned to consequences, turned to self-doubt.

Why is this so hard to do?

To leave and stay away from you.

I can't look at myself naked anymore.

Hiding in the bathroom, crying on the floor.

Breaking myself to fill your missing pieces.

I try so hard for you, why can't you see this?

I cry when I sleep, you only love me in my dreams.

Always alone, never had a home.

I can figure it out by myself I'm used to being alone.

How can you fight when you don't want to live?

Gotta stick around raise my kids.

When I look at you, it's hard to breathe.

I never know what you want, you're hard to read.

One second you hate me, the next you're touching me.

Everything's always my fault, you're wrongs you'll never see.

Victim mentality, you make me want to scream.

I love you so much, why don't you love me?

I'm in it till death, I want your ring.

You just want me in your bed, little plaything.

You were my person, my best friend.

I don't get what happened, when did that end?

I have no more fight left; I just give up.

Lost the last of my self-esteem, because I fell in love.

Tired of being sick, but I know I won't get better.

Ignore it all and power through.

I'm trying my best, but my kids deserve better.

Surrounded by people, but I'm really by myself.

I hate the pity and judgement, so I no longer speak on my health.

Before I die, please give me wealth.

Security to leave my kids, I know it's hard,

when all you've got is yourself.

I don't want to do this alone, all I wanted was a hand to hold.

Selfish to want someone to plan a life, with one who will never grow old.

But you could've rubbed me once or held me at night.

Always in so much pain, I'm starting to give up on my fight.

I'm tired of holding myself and rubbing my own back.

But making sure your cup is always full, always stay stacked.

You don't understand what you're doing to me, hurt that passes my soul.

I wish I could fix whatever's broken inside you.

All that shit you did, and I've still never even lied to you.

How can you say you love me, then do the things you do?

How can you see my hurt, and still continue.

I can't bring myself to walk away.

I can't imagine a world where I don't wake up and see your face.

I'm over-whelmed and mentally tired.

I didn't know me being okay with you cheating was required.

I wish I would have read the rules, my life's a game and I have no idea how to play.

Even if it's not me I hope on everything you really fall in love one day.

A feeling I want you to have so bad I'm willing to pray.

I wish you could feel the feeling I get when I look at you.

Electrified, Like I could conquer the world.

All I've known is hurt, try to be a good person, but this must be what I deserve.

I wish I didn't feel so unsure, so in love with you.

but I don't know if you even really understand the word.

I tried to teach you, wrote little love notes, tried hard to reach you.

Just know I see you, not who you try to be,

But the real you.

I tried to please you, loved hard, I want you, But I don't need you.

I'm used to loss, and everyone leaves.

I've come to realize nothing is ever how it seems.

Meant everything I said, You're the man of my dreams.

I love you more than life, But I think you only love me in my dreams.

I don't want to give up, but I'm not sure you'll stop.

Can't figure out if you don't know how to love, or I'm just a prop.

I wish I could read minds; I wish I could show you what runs through mine.

Is this worth the tough shit or am I wasting my time? I feel like I am losing my mind.

Someone save me I think I'm drowning.

my demons are pushing me under, and I can't swim.

I'm losing this fight, so small I could blow away with the wind.

Am I putting my armor back on to battle alone,

Or will I finally have someone to take care of ME.

Hold my hand, Silence my screams.

I hurt more and more every day.

I want a cure, I'm tired of living this way.

So many things that I want to say.

But I don't have the courage.

So much I want to do, but I can't go alone.

And I know I'm a burden.

I want to stay with you, but is it worth it?

Do you want this forever,

or are you going to keep fucking around.

Do you really love me, or just keeping me around?

Am I connivence, or you just scared.

Never felt real love till me, expecting me to be like everyone else, and just leave.

I think I'm fooling myself, thinking that you will change.

I'm tired of being treated like a game, for everyone to play.

I always do this to myself, like I don't know better.

I've never been with someone who DIDN'T cheat on me,

I'm never enough,

So, I don't know why I thought this time I'd have different luck.

I get it, I learned my lesson.

But damn Aphrodite, did you have to make this one so rough.

To my old man, I love you.

But you were never there for me, hit me like a grown man, that shit isn't right.

Ya'll chose to believe I was fucked up and strung out,

ignored my pleas, there's something wrong please help me.

And to my sister, fuck you, When I die, I hope you feel like shit for life.

Ya'll are the voices in the back of my head, Telling me I'm worthless.

Meanwhile I lay at wake at night wondering if all my suffering has a purpose.

To my kids, I'm sorry you have to lose me, please don't give up on your dads'.

They love you guys a lot, but they have a war going on inside his head.

Please don't think bad of them, but also never forget, the things they've done or said.

I'm nice to everyone and I preach about love, but that's something I've never had.

My heart is aching, my soul is breaking.

Cursed from birth, the Gods forsaken me.

I need some answers, this can't be all.

Its gotta get better, I can't let myself fall.

I can tough through it; I have to conquer it all.

Don't let anyone know I'm in pain, try my hardest to just act the same.

If I talk about my health, they don't treat me the same.

Before I die, if I do anything, I'll hear the crowd chaneting my name.

I don't care to get rich, I don't care about the fame.

I just want to touch people, maybe help them through their pain.

To make a real positive impact, the vibes is all I want to gain.

My heart is destroyed, there isn't shit left.

Forget self-esteem, I don't know what that is.

My life is a battle, and I'm preparing for war.

My health is getting worse, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I have no army, not even back up.

I'm going in alone, if I fall, I'm not sure I'll get back up.

So, feel my love, and heed all that was said.

It's just rambling now, but soon, it'll be thoughts from the dead.

-Karebear, 8/22/22