These Images

I didn't think I would be in this place. I had found myself in a dark corner, feeling alone, and wondering what happened along the way. It seemed as though a dark cloud had overtaken me, and my dreams had all collapsed. "Why go on in this way?" I thought. I was feeling so empty. I didn’t know how to carry on. These are the images I have created over the years. It has been a while since I created the first. It has been years since I took the first picture. I have saved almost all of them.

These are images of myself, and I was the one who created them. I had lost faith, and I couldn’t make sense of it all. I took these photos of myself during those moments. I gave in to the desire. I explored, and I tried to discover and know what I didn’t know. With my photo lens, I created all these images. I didn’t know I would create them. Here they are.

One day, I was driving through my neighborhood while heading home. I looked through the left window of my car, and I noticed a garden. I made a u turn and came around so I could take a closer look. As I pulled up, I could now see that it was a monastery. There were nuns and priests. After a little while, I got back into my car and headed home.

I wasn't supposed to doubt. I was supposed to believe and continue on. I was supposed to carry on in the way I had believed for many years. I was supposed to believe it could be true. I look back at what I have created with my photo lens. I was feeling so empty. It seemed as though a storm had come and gone. I was looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. A way to make sense of it all. I couldn’t explain it. I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t have the answers. I was there alone.

I was confronted by these feelings. They were very real. I was missing something, and I thought I would find it in this way. I looked at these images, trying to figure out what I was missing. I went to lie down for a while, and I fell asleep. I woke up, and I saw the images I made.

I never thought that I would come to this place. I found myself in a dark corner, wondering how it all happened. It appeared as though I had lost my compass. I was looking for answers to some of life’s questions. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months.

I made these images of myself. I thought being here would take care of those emotions. I thought this way, I would be complete. I longed for fulfillment. I hoped I would find it here. I thought this would be the way. I created those images. They were now a reflection created by these lenses. They bear my reflection, my shape, my nakedness. I looked through all these images trying to make sense of them, and I couldn’t.

I stood in front of the camera. With my arms on my hips, I posed in my negligée. I lowered my hands and placed them on the bathroom vanity. I discarded the lingerie, and I wrapped myself in a towel. I took another photo without the lingerie. I held the towel close to my chest, and I lowered it. I held it firm next to my stomach so it wouldn’t fall. I looked at what I had created. Among the pile of photos, I selected a few images. I made them into a painting. I looked at what I had created. These images. I created them. They are a reflection of me.