I Never Told You

Hey Mom,

I never told you, but one day I was at the park and you came to my mind. Usually, I would go and play a little tennis but not that particular day. I went to the park and I was listening to some of my favorite songs. I started to sing along, practicing almost like I was in a choir. It was a beautiful day with the sun out. Children were playing on the swings, parents were watching them sitting nearby, and I thought of you. I'm not completely sure why I thought about you. Maybe it was because it reminded me of when we used to go to the amusement park with Dad and play on the amusement rides till evening came. You would give us some change and off we would go. I especially enjoyed riding on the go carts. It made me feel like a grown-up. Then we would finally find a place in the shade and enjoy some ice-cream before we left for the day. I was at the park when I remembered that.

I never told you, but it was raining a while back and I remembered something. I remembered the year we had traveled to go see Grandma. We had been waiting at the airport for a while when we ran into a couple of friends. We slept in Grandma's living room that summer and our cousins were just right next door. It rained a lot but it was a good thing. The sound of the falling rain was the lullaby to which we slept. I listened to some music and spent some time writing a couple of letters. It was raining outside my window and I believe it was almost bedtime when I remembered that. A thunderous murmur was heard through the sky and it reminded me of those summer days.

I never told you how I was doing some work and my mind went to the time when you went to see the family doctor and I went with you. This was the same family doctor who helped Dad recover when he had a stroke. Who checked and made sure your blood pressure was under control, and gave me a prescription to treat my ulcer. It was your last appointment with him and I believe that day, there was a tear in your eye. We were moving out of town and we didn't know where we were going. I wanted to hold your hand, let you know that I love you, and that things were going to be alright. To be all that you ever dreamed.

Something else I never told you. I was at a friend's house when I called to talk to you. We had been reading a passage from the Bible and it made me think of you. It reminded of the number of times you would make us read a passage in the Bible and say a little prayer. A lot of the time, I couldn't wait for us to be done. I didn't know what you and Dad were doing. I didn't know why you spent so much time teaching us from the Bible and reading to us. I was too young and inexperienced. I didn't know you were building something great, that could not be seen my mere mortal eyes, but must be felt by the inner being. That day while on the phone, I began to understand certain things, and I believe you heard a sniffle on the other end of the line.

You know, I never told you this, but I remember when you enrolled in a class for adults. I thought it was the greatest idea and if we had only thought of it earlier. It made me proud when you completed the class and received your certificate of completion. When I think about that, it makes me smile and it makes me wonder how Dad would have been proud as well.

I never told you, but once in a while, I wonder about the day I was born. I wonder, “What was it like?” How were the doctors and the nurses in the room, and how long it took? You had delivered eight times, and after the eighth time, certainly, we were done. But somehow, you came back again for a ninth time. You pushed like you did the first time. The second and the third time. The fourth and the fifth. The sixth time. Then the seventh and eighth time all together. This time, the ninth and final time, you were too weak, and the doctors had to help you, cutting you open and stitching you back up. I heard about that day, and I often wonder, “What was it like?” I wonder what was it like to try one more time when eight babies had already emerged from your womb.

I never told you this before, but several years ago, I was on vacation and I was thinking about you. It wasn't one of those lavish vacations where you're out wining and dining and spending time at the beach. I have dreamed of those vacations, but one hasn't come yet. This was a vacation I had taken alone. I had a magazine with Tiger Woods on the cover, and I was reading an article about him. If I remember correctly, it might have been a couple of days long. I had taken some time off and was at a hotel for a couple of days. I was reading this article in my hotel room when I began sobbing. Maybe it was because it reminded me of how our family used to go on road trips. You used to sit in the front with Dad while us kids were in the back. Dad would let the radio play. Sometimes he would play a cassette tape and you would sing along with him. I remember some of those songs. I was singing one of them the other day. It made me kind of laugh because I couldn't remember half of the words. I was at the hotel when I remembered that and thought of you. That day, I was going to let you in on a secret. I penned a letter to you but didn't finish writing it. It said, "Hey Mom. I'm still a virgin. Can you believe it?" That was the secret I wanted to let you in on. It's been more than ten years since that day in the hotel room, and I'm finally sitting down and writing you this letter today.

I never told you, but when Dad passed away, I was completely lost. A friend dropped by to offer his condolences. I didn’t cry for many years. I was angry at the world. There were so many things I didn’t know. So many things Dad didn’t tell us. If only I had known. If only I had seen the hurt in his eyes when we were out on the balcony. We were talking about schooling and me taking the SAT exam when he scolded me. He had never scolded me for asking about school-related issues. There were so many things that he didn’t say. What it was that I did that left him disappointed in me, and me doubting that he loved me. I was completely lost and felt abandoned.

You know, I didn’t tell you, but the other day I looked up at the horizon and I saw the most beautiful canvas a painter could ever paint. Rose-tainted clouds floated above the skyline of the quieted view. I was just in awe and I was amazed at the beauty that stretched from east to west. It made me think of the time when you looked at the horizon and the sun, and you told me the time it was. I was baffled and forever amazed at your inexplicable wisdom.